The Adventures of Bird and Kitty: Part 2

This post continues exploring my childhood masterpiece, Bird and Kitty (or whatever it was actually called). When we last left off, the series of short stories penned by my elementary-school self was intensifying in emotional depth, as demonstrated in the mean-girlsy plot of the following tale:

“What a Brat!”

One day Kitty was playing in the sandbox when something made her turn around. A girl riding her in her driveway. She ran towards the driveway. A beyoutiful girl cat was in their driveway.
“I can’t believe it.” Said Kitty.
“Believe it.” Said a voice.
She turned around. There was Bird. [Once again, serving as a disembodied voice!] He was wearing a tuxsetoe with wonderful new man-type shoes. [The mysterious terminology of men’s fashion.]
“Bird?” asked Kitty. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to church.” Said Bird. “And that girl is wreaking the street!” [Oh, Bird, chill; you sound like my grandma.]
“Oh, Bird.” Said Kitty. “Don’t be silly.” And before Bird could say something, Kitten ran over to the girl. “IH there.” Said Kitty.
The girl looked up “HI t’der,” said the girl. “My name is Dodo.” [How to convey sarcasm in second grade, lesson one.]
“I’m–I’m sorry,” said Kitty. “I did not know you want to be alone.”
She was turning around when the girl called out. “OK, my name’s Jackie.”
She turned around. A car was pulling in their driveway. [The driveway is a happening place!]
“Jill!” she called. “You came over my house.”
“Did I not,” said Jill.
“Hey,” said Jackie. “Did you forget me?”
“No,” said Kitty.

“Let’s find out something we can do all together,” said Jill.
“I’m thirsty,” said Jackie.
“Be quiet,” said Jill.
“Great idea!” cried Kitty.
“What help is she?” asked Jill.
“Don’t you see, Jill?” said Kitty. “We could make a stand.” [You got all that from “I’m thirsty?”]
Jill said. “I think we should play school.”
Jackie spoke up. “Your being a brat. I go with Kitty.”
“Good-bey Kitty,” said Jill. “We are no longer friends.” She left. [I can’t keep up with whirlwind pace of this story!]
“Let’s get all set,” Jackie said.
“OK,” said Kitty.
They put it up.
“Do you have different color lemonade?” said Jackie.
“Yes,” said Kitty.
“Then go get it, you weirdo,” called Jackie as she pushed her to the door.
“Slow down will you? It’s no big deal,” said Kitty.
She and Jackie got the things. Kitty got the packs of lemonade. And Jackie carried out a pourer. They made the lemonade.
When they started, Jackie was so mean. On their first try, Jackie made Mr. Friz pay more money then their money meser. [Money measurer? I think this is the concise term for “original prices listed on their menu.”]

On their 2ed try, Jackie was giving blue lemonade to a man.
“But I want pink lemonade.”
“Fine,” said Jackie and she threw the pink lemonade at the man. She walked away. [That escalated quickly!]
The next day, Kitty went to dance. She saw Jill. “Hi, Jill,” said Kitty.
“Hi,” said Jill.
Just as Kitty was talking, the door banged. There was Jackie.

Jill left in a minute.
“OH NO,” thought Kitty. “Ah….hi,” said Kitty.
“Take me to the dance room, and I mean now!” demanded Jackie.
“Excuse me for trying to be nice,” Kitty said softly. All the time she had to be with Jackie the whole time because they were partners. She was so bratty.
“I’m sorry I’ve been bratty,” said Jackie the next day.
Kitty was quiet.
“Are you going to say your sorry?” Jackie asked.
“Why am I suppose to say I am sorry?” Kitty asked.
Jackie got so mad, she kicked her.
“Ow,” Kitty said. “Look Jackie,” she began. “All I want is to be friends with you.”
“Sorry Kit,” Jackie said.
“That OK,” she said. “Let’s go play.”

“The end” there?! What kind of resolution is that! Where was the explanation for Jackie’s bitchitude? Where was Kitty and Jill’s reconciliation, or their revenge on Jackie? I remember reading that to my mom when I was a kid and she was like, “???” and couldn’t comprehend how the story ended there and why Kitty aspired to be friends with Lady Satan. I feel incomplete.

Here’s a seasonal one, just in time for the upcoming holiday!

HALLOWEEN

“It’s Halloween!” shouted Kitten.
“Yes,” said Bird. They were both very happy. “My mom said I can have a Halloween party and I can invite anyone including you,” said Bird.
“Can you invite Jackie, Jill, JR, Rick, and Peggy?” asked Kitty.
“Sure,” said Bird.
“Good,” said Kitty. “When is this party of yours?” asked Kitty.
“I’m not sure,” said Bird. [You’re not sure when a Halloween party is? And it’s your own party? Get it together, Bird!]
“Could you invite Jenny, Chrissy, Scoot, and…?” [I’m confident that’s Scott, but now I really want a friend named Scoot!]
“I’m not sure if everybody in the whole world can come,” said Bird. “My mom said I can pick too.”
“Like I don’t know anything, Bird,” Kitty said. And ran. [Such a sensitive soul.]
The next day, Bird did not know what he did to make Kitten so mad. She was not his partner in math. Bird just cried.

Soon it was Halloween. Bird was a jester. […who cries on the inside.] Bird was just putting on his makeup when the phone rang. His mother got it.
“Dear,” said his mother. “It’s for you.” Bird answered the phone.
“IH,” said Kitty. “I’m very sorry,” she said. “OH! Before we hang up. I can’t come to the party because I’m going trick-or-treating with Jill and Jackie so I can’t come. Goodbye.” Bing. [A classic hang-up noise in the age before cell phones.]

Bird was so sad. First Kitty was mad at him. Now she cannot come! [There’s the recap, in case you missed any of that the first go-round.] “My brain is messed up,” Bird said.
At 4:00, all the guests arrived. Once, Bird got up to answer the door. There was such a surprise. Jill, Jackie….and Kitty!
“You can come!” said a surprised Bird.
“Yes, I could,” said Kitten. “And I am sorry. I was very mean. I wish you could kill me.” Everyone laughed. [‘Cause murder’s hilarious!]
“Are we friends again?” asked Bird.
“Sure,” Kitty said. “I will be.”

And now, the final Bird and Kitty story!

I DROPPED A TEACUP

“Why do we have to go to church?” asked Kitty.
“To learn about God,” her mother said, getting on her necklace. [That seems like sort of an intense answer in story written by a kid, especially a little heathen child such as myself who never went to church ever.] “I went to church when I was a girl. Come on Kitty.”
Kitty likes sports and stuff like that. But she didn’t like to wear goodie goodie dumb dresses.
“Kitten! Come wash the dishes.”
“Oh, I hate days like this,” she said under her breath. “Can Bird come over?” Kitty asked.
“NO,” her mother said.
“Can Bird come over when I wash dishes?”
“I suppose,” said Mrs. Cat.
“Great,” Kitty said.
Bird came over. “Hi Kits,” he yelled as he slapped her hand. “Kitten…”
“Yes, Bird?” she answered.
“You’re wearing a dress.”
“I know. Look at all flowers. I look so dumb,” Kitty explained as she went to pick up a big bundle of dishes.
“Here, let me help,” Bird offered.
“NO! Bird, please!” Kitty yelled as she tried to keep it still.
Crash! Kitty and Bird opened their eyes. All the dishes were in Kitten’s hands. They both looked down. Kitty’s mother’s favorite china cup fell to the floor.
“OH NO!” Kitty cried. “My mom will flip!” She ran across the kitchen. She took a dish rag and threw it over her head. “You can call me Blankie.” [Seems reasonable.]

“I have an idea,” Bird said.
“What?” Kitty said running over to him.
“Bird sat down next to the broken cup. “I could sneak it home and glue it together.”
“OK, Bird. You can take it home to glue it.”
Bird ran to Kitty the next morning at school. “Here’s your cup,” Bird said, out of breath.
“Ah, Bird,” she said like she was going to cry. “You did my mother’s cup wrong! You put the handle on the other side!” screamed Kitty. [How impressively bad did Bird fuck up if gluing the handle on the other side of a cup rendered it useless?]
She stopped. “I know,” she said, and jumped 12 feet. [Goodness!] “My mother’s birthday is coming up. We can buy the cup at Mr. Mick’s pottery shop.”
The next day, Kitty ran to Bird with her piggy bank. “IH, Bird. It’s time to get to work.” Kitty said and grabbed his bank. “Sigh, $2.60 is all we got. Come on,” Kitty said.
They ran down town. When Kitty found the cup, she burst into tears. Mr. Mick ran out of his shop. “Well, what’s the matter?” he asked.
“You see,” explained Bird. “Me and Kitty both broke her mother’s best cup so we’re going to chip in so we could buy a new one. But it’s $12.60 and we have $2.60.”
“Well, if it means so much to you,” he said with a smile. “You may have the cup for free.”
Kitty opened her eyes wide. “You mean it?” she said.
“Yes, I do,” Mr. Mick said. “Take the cup.” [Epilogue: Mr. Mick’s pottery shop went out of business several months later to the surprise of absolutely no one.]
“Oh thank you.” She smiled. As they got home, they wrapped their gift. On the day, she ran up to her mom. “Here, mom,” she said.
“Why you got me a present,” her mother said. “How sweet.”
Kitten looked at her mom. “Yes. How sweet. Just open the package.” [Cut the crap, Ma, and get to unwrapping already. I don’t got all day.]
Her mother took off the paper and box top. “Oh my,” she said. “Don’t I have this cup?”
Kitty was quiet. “Sorry, we broke you favorite cup.”
“Dear, this is not my favorite cup, but thank you for buying me another.” [said Mrs. Jane Cat, a graduate from the School of Gracious Gift Acceptance.]
Kitty ran up stairs. She closed the door to her room. “Stupid china cup,” she said.

THE END!! I remember standing before my class and reading it out loud, and everyone clapped. Then a couple weeks later, another girl read her story aloud, and it ended very similarly (i.e., “Stupid blah-blah-blah!”). Another student whipped around to me and was like, “She stole that from you!” What can I say? It’s a pretty awesome ending. One of the best, really.

And what better way to establish that Bird and Kitty is a real book and a perfect one at that then by concluding with a couple of fun pages and book previews? Here, a few of the gems:

And now, for the book previews!:

KITTEN GOT A COLD

“AH-CHOO!” Kitten sneezed.
“Kitten, I must tell you that if I get your cold, we will never see each other anymore,” said Bird. “So, stay away from me till you get better.” [Damn, Bird! What’ve you got, a germ phobia? An autoimmune disease?]
Kitten stared at him. “Tell me it’s not true,” she whispered.

THE RIGHT PRICE

“Look what I got. Stickers,” Kitten said. [She clearly shares the author’s sticker lust.]
“Nice,” Bird said. “How much was it?”
“OH NO!” Kitty said.
“What?” Bird said.
“I forgot to pay!” she screamed. [This emphasizes what constitutes true drama to a first grader.]

KITTY AND BIRD’S DALMATIAN PARTY

[What’s a Dalmatian party, you ask? Obviously it’s the best party idea ever in the universe, that’s what!]
“Don’t let them be dogs!” Kitty said. “They’re chasing me!”
Bird tried to stop them.
Kitty said, “Be cats!”
“Kitten,” he yelled. “Now they’re chasing me!”
“Oh, dear,” she said. “This isn’t turning out well.”

I’m glad that blurb cleared up all the mystery of what a Dalmatian party is. Then there’s a list of future books that were never penned, including

• Bird and Kitty and the Teddy Bear Promise
• Bird and Kitty Math Book
• Bird and Kitty Cookbook
• How to Make Airplanes and Other Things (This is not off the table, I might still write this.)
• Let’s Play Jobs!

Then there are Bird and Kitty stories divided by age ranges. High school students, you can select from a diverse list of books titled Computer Transmission, Be Popular, and Bird and Kitty Travel to the Stars. Suitable for all ages are the titles Fun Can Be Fun and See Me Say ABC. I am legit LOLing over here.

On New Year’s Day 2006, I showed the Bird and Kitty book to The Musician. It was so much fun; we laughed our asses off at the illustrations, creative spelling of words, and story ideas. I was so happy to be able to share one of my earliest creations with someone, and that my younger self had created something that continues to be important and make people happy.

In conclusion, The Musician had written a note that still means a lot to me:

Dear Stef—This book totally left me hanging. I can’t wait to read the Valentine’s Day edition. This just proves how destined you were to write words for people to love. This is my favorite kids book ever! You are a creator, and I know you’ll do great things.

I hope so!