Heartthrob was a game that I, as a preteen, didn’t ever really understand how to play. Essentially, you randomly pick three guys from the deck of photo cards, then each dude gets a green, purple, and orange personality trait card, which you overturn one by one with great showmanship. The personality cards reveal bits about each dude and get progressively, subjectively worse with each card, so the players have to determine if they’d continue to date a dude as his horrible personality emerges while also trying to deduce which monster the other players want to bone. For example, who wants to date “Ricky” knowing he writes crappy poetry? What if he picked his nose? What if he picked his nose and ATE IT? I’m pretty confident that there actually was a card involving booger-eating. Anyway, this game helps you and your friends discover what y’all truly want in a partner so you can be more helpful when setting each other up. Oh, and to learn who’s the shallowest in your group and socially destroy the person who says they’d date the booger eater.
I guess I do understand how to play. Let me rephrase: This game isn’t any fun.
But the boyfriend cards! That’s where the magic lies. My friends and I—now as adults, no longer innocent adolescents—flat-out ignored the personality trait cards in favor of just checking out the boys and determining what their deal was. On one occasion, The Raconteur and I had several different piles going: There were the guys The Raconteur would hang out with, the guys I would date, the people/characters in our inner circle or down the hall whom we always saw, and the people who were just nos, like the obvious date rapists and such. (I’m looking at you, “Trevor.”) The Raconteur’s BFFs were “Perry,” “Mark,” and “Matt,” and I decided to exclusively date “Patrick,” the hockey player. Despite being in our late twenties at the time, we also viewed everything from a college perspective—“This guy lives in the same wing of our dorm”—and we started cracking up, asking, “Why are we talking like this?” and The Raconteur’s like, “Because that’s when we peaked, man!”
The Raconteur and I also busted out this game late on the evening of my twenty-eighth birthday. Basically, as I told the gang (after asking, “Ready to talk about boys, you guys?”), “We just look at the boys and talk about their personalities.” (The Raconteur: “Yeah, Stef and I have girl talk sometimes.”) Even though Pumpkins insisted on not playing, he couldn’t help himself from commenting (“I think this guy is a joke. I mean, a jock.”). We were trying to find those who would hang out with us, and we spent five minutes on “Nick,” debating whether we’d say hi to him if we passed him (Someone: “I think we should just ignore him. Nick is inconsequential.” The Raconteur: “Yes! This is the best game ever.”). By the end, the analyses were far shorter (“Douche. Next.”).
Interestingly enough, boys get especially passionate about this game. For example, Honey Bear and I began one evening’s festivities by drinking Sprite, grenadine, and vodka and assessing the guys from the Heartthrob game. We sat at the dining room table, deciding who would be friends with who and what they were like, when Fork strolled in, and I asked him to “play boys” with us, and he jumped right into the spirit of the game, determining the drug dealers and stoners, and who worked on the farm and who dies in the school shooting and so on. When Mummy arrived after these important decisions were made and the cards were meaningfully arranged all over the table, he was like, “What’s going on here?” and I was like, “I kept this up for you! I needed you to see it!” and he said he appreciated that.
Trust us — this layout makes perfect sense.
Even my mom has an opinion on the guys. I mean, of course she does. I showed them one by one to her during dinner one night to see who she thought was cute. To close this post, let’s take a look at some of her evaluations:
Clayton
“He looks like a porn director.”
Drew
“Hmm. Controllable.”
Dennis
“Now he looks like he sells drugs!”
Kurt
She couldn’t get past his biceps to say much.
Teddy
“Aww. A friend.” (The kiss of death.)
Mark
“He’s my friend at the library.”
Jim
“NO WAY! The first thing I thought when I saw that little thing on his head was ballerina.”
(Despite that he’s holding a bike.)
Rocky
“I will say yes [he is attractive], but first he has to get rid of those suspenders.”
Steve
“Stop bleaching your hair, Steve.”
You heard her, Steve! BTW: We need a “Where Are the Heartthrob Dudes?” update like, stat.
Question of the Week: What are your assessments of the Heartthrob dudes pictured?
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7 Comments on "The Dudes from the Heartthrob Game"
My brother in law is “Chuck” in the game! His real name is Matthew, but our kids call him “Uncle Chuck” to give him a hard time. 🙂 A lot of the guys were students at Wellesley High School in Wellesley, MA. I guess some casting people handed out business cards during lunch, and if you got a card, you went into Boston to have your picture taken. I found 4 of the board games on Ebay, and all of the couples got one. Too funny!!
Ahhh! That’s so cool! Thank you for the behind-the-scenes info, Nancy. I have so many questions about this. Did your brother-in-law ever get recognized as being in Heartthrob? (My boyfriend also wants to know if he ever used to his advantage with the ladies.) Did he know all the other guys in the game since they went to the same high school? Would having a copy of the Wellesley High School yearbook essentially be like having the unofficial Heartthrob yearbook?? BURNING QUESTIONS!
These are excellent questions. I feel like I should get Matthew in on this conversation. I don’t know if he was recognized. (Was it that popular??) Matt knew a quite a few of the guys, but I don’t think all of them. I’m on it. I’m reaching out to Matt. Too funny!!
I feel like your mom and I should have provided co-commentary, as my feelings toward Rocky are that everything must go, but the suspenders can stay! Agree to disagree!
Also: If everything is gone but the suspenders, what are the suspenders suspending? See! This game provides endless debate!
What about Rocky’s glasses? I feel like the suspenders AND the glasses are what make the look!
Wow I am judgmental. But I will still set aside the bike guy even though I ride bikes now. I am not liking what he is wearing on his body or his head still. Upon further review (perhaps age has changed me) but there might be one or two that I nixed then that I would definitely tip well if they were my waiter. And there should be an update. Let’s get going on that, Miss.