#12 – When Love Dies | HappiMess Media

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I’ve never seen so many robots on one cover! Android boy Steven Wakefield looks confused while he’s winding up his Victorian sexbot, Tricia Martin. Haven’t you ever read a Jane Austin book, Steven? Those chicks don’t put out.

Steven’s in the doldrums because his lady love Tricia is giving him the cold shoulder, and Jess is taking the whole relationship personally because Tricia’s family is white trash; her dad is an alcoholic and her sister Betsy is a sexual delinquent who went out with Rick Andover (unlike Jessica). Unable to take it anymore, Steven goes over to Tricia’s house to demand some answers and she dumps his ass. But why? Because she has—drum roll, plz—leukemia, just like her long-dead mother! Tricia doesn’t want Steven to turn to alcoholism like her dad, so that’s why she doesn’t tell him she’s dying and would rather him think she’s sluttin’ around with someone else. This sounds like a great plan!

Meanwhile, Jess’s BFF Cara Walker finds Steven to be a “genuine, certified hunk” and is thrilled that he and Tricia broke up. Jess makes it her mission to set up Cara with her big brother, and she tells Steven that Cara is having a party and that she knows all the hot gossip on Tricia, hoping that Steven will go over to Cara’s house and touch her bathing suit area. Steven shows up and, spurned on by his broken heart, makes out with Cara. Eep!

Jess convinces Liz to be a candy striper at a hospital with her, and Elizabeth sees Tricia at the hospital, corners the poor girl, and demands to know what the haps are. She’s like, “I know it’s none of my business, but I can’t help feeling involved.” Of course she can’t. Liz, can’t you ever stop sucking? Tricia hears Jess and Cara prattling on about Steven—what makes Cara so deserving of Steven in future books? I’m getting ahead of myself.

Liz sees Tricia hooked up to IVs and shit at the hospital, and Tricia confesses to everything but makes Liz promise not to tell Steve, even though she admits that “living without love is worse than dying.” Quit urging her on, Tricia! Liz goes to confide in Father Collins and he touches her shoulder in sympathy, which is probably a few days’ worth of masturbatory material for him.

Steve decides to quit frontin’ and breaks off his pseudo-relationship with Cara, and Liz breaks down and lets him the truth about Tricia. Steven flips the eff out and heads straight to Tricia’s house, where they sob all over each other. He knows that “part of Tricia would stay with him for the rest of his life.” Ain’t it the truth! He’ll scarcely ever shut up about her from here on out.

As an aside: Jess cons Jeremy Frank, a temporarily disabled TV star, to let her on his show after nearly murdering him while Liz gets kidnapped by a deranged orderly! What will happen?

Other Notes:

Please note that “love” did not actually “die” in this story. More false advertising!
At the hospital, Jess remembers “how agonizing it had been to admit that she was just a teensy bit responsible” for Annie Whitman’s suicide attempt. What the flip—how is that referred to so casually? Being the cause of someone’s near suicide is so prestigious!
Cara whips out a six-pack at her intimate six-person party! Scandal! This is the most realistic thing I’ve ever read about in an SVH book.
It is in this book Jess sees her first accidental glimpse of a naked man.
Liz and Todd’s cutesy couple talk is super gross. Observe this unnecessary exchange:

TODD: I can’t imagine Tricia with anyone but Steve. They seemed so perfect together.
LIZ: Like us, you mean?
TODD: Face it. Nobody is like us. If we were any crazier about each other, they’d have to send out the little men in the white coats.
LIZ: You’re so romantic, Todd. ::throws up::

Okay, that last action was mine. I admit it.

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