#1 – Double Love | HappiMess Media

Here we go!

The book opens with Jessica Wakefield griping about how “disgustingly fat” she is, despite that Francine Pascal (a.k.a., her ghostwriter) points out that she’s actually “the most adorable, most dazzling sixteen-year-old imaginable.” Just so you know, both Jess and her twin sister Elizabeth have:

silky, sun-streaked blond hair
sparkling blue-green eyes
perfect skin
a height of 5’6”
size-six figures
identical lavaliere necklaces

Feel free not to remember a word of that, as every book following will devote a generous reminder that says precisely the same thing. Following that healthy paragraph will be another one devoted to their differences. Here, a handy cheat sheet:

Elizabeth has a tiny beauty mark on her shoulder; Jessica does not.
Elizabeth wears a watch; Jessica does not.
Elizabeth is four minutes older; Jessica is not.
Elizabeth writes the gossip column, “Eyes and Ears”, for the school paper, The Oracle; Jessica is a cheerleader.
Mischief gleams in Jessica’s eyes, while Elizabeth’s reflects “only sincerity.”
Elizabeth is a holier-than-thou goody-two-shoes; Jessica is a conniving ho bag. (I may be paraphrasing here.)

Anyway, Todd Wilkins, star basketball player, is the latest object of Jess’ affection. He’s also Liz’s crush, as well, ever since their eyes met in the lunch line. Now he’s “the one boy in all the world whom Elizabeth loved,” despite that they’ve had about three conversations. In fact, she swears that things will only be fine when she’s “dead and can’t think of Todd anymore,” and that if Todd chooses her sister over her, “she’d do the decent thing. Die.” It’s all terribly reasonable.

But instead of letting her twin know how she feels about Todd, she just thinks, “What girl could possibly compete with the dazzling Jessica Wakefield?” The sad fact is that she’s essentially her sister’s punching bag. At one point, Jess abandons Liz at school and then later says she did it because she saw her sister get in a car with a bunch of kids and adds, “I think it was sneaky and rotten of you to leave me like that when it was your responsibility to bring home the car.” And Liz just hangs her head and takes it. It’s nauseating. Why are we supposed to be rooting for these two again? Oh, right—because they’re hot, with “all-American good looks.”

Jess, needing to be validated after Todd won’t ask her to the dance, gets in a car with the town bad ass, Rick Andover, and agrees to go on a date with him after he insists that they have “some serious boogeying to do.” Huh? I don’t care that the book came out in 1983—no dude would ever say that. Anyway, Rick takes Jess to the bar Kelly’s, where she scolds him for not being able to keep his hands off her, despite that she basically let him feel her up in his car the previous day. A bar fight ensues, and afterward she’s escorted home in a cop car and lets the officer call her “Elizabeth,” which Caroline Pearce, the school gossip, overhears. Soon, all of SVH is abuzz about Liz starting a riot at Kelly’s and they all treat her like a social pariah. Todd Wilkins is set to write Liz off forever, and Enid Rollins’s douchey boyfriend Ronnie Edwards even calls it “unforgivable.” Shoot her at dawn! In spite of it all, Liz still throws her arms around Jess and cries, “Oh, Jessie, you’re wonderful… You deserve everything. Everybody loves you, and they should.” WTF. Maybe everyone should be more concerned about whether or not Liz is on crack as opposed to her hitting the sauce every now and then.

Eventually, Jess breaks down and tells Todd the truth about what happened at Kelly’s that night, and he is so moved by how noble she is for taking the blame for her sister that he invites her to the Phi Ep dance. Meanwhile, Liz is still mooning about Todd but agrees to go to the dance with class clown Winston Egbert, who “stared at the beautiful, popular, intelligent Elizabeth Wakefield and almost fainted. ‘OK!’ he said, astounded, and then turned and raced madly across campus, screaming like a deranged chimpanzee,” demonstrating a tragic lack of self-worth. This boosts Liz’s mood and ego, and she goes home whistling to herself, wondering if she’s doing so because of her happiness or if it simply “kept her from hearing her own painful thoughts.” POETRY!

The Phi Ep dance rolls around. Winston literally flings himself at Elizabeth Wakefield’s feet and basically screams “I am not worthy!” Jess realizes that Todd couldn’t give a damn about her, especially when he sidesteps a goodnight kiss, and vows to make him pay, so she tells Liz that Todd tried to rape her. Yes, cry rape when you don’t get your way—that’s not harmful to the entirety of society. Of course, Liz doesn’t pick up on that fact that her sister is a lying sack of shit—not even after sixteen years of this nonsense—and thinks, “Why would she lie about such a thing?” It’s tough to believe that this is the first time Jess has resorted to such nasty shenanigans, making Liz such a dumb ass that you eventually stop feeling sorry for her.

Todd tries his damndest to get Liz’s attention, but now she blows him off. They make up, however, when Rick Andover makes another drunken appearance by stealing the Fiat with the twins in it (how this happens, I’ll never know), and Todd saves them. Later, he and Liz suck face in his car, and Liz gets back at Jessica by telling everyone that her sister writes the “Eyes and Ears” column for the school paper The Oracle—a confession that is met with the tradition of tossing the writer in the school’s pool fully clothed. Yes, that will teach her.

Always a fan of lists, I’ve compiled some of the bratty and/or ridiculous things Jessica does in this book alone, which include:

Whining because she can’t drive the Fiat
Calling Liz a wimp for not letting her drive into the parking lot for her image’s sake
Commanding Liz to not go over and talk to Enid Rollins, Liz’s best friend, on the grounds that someone might think it was her talking to Enid
Giving Liz a hug only to steal the car keys and later abandon her sister at school
“Shuddering at the thought of having anything other than an attractive family”
Letting the cop think that she’s really Elizabeth when she’s escorted home after starting a bar fight, thus (temporarily) tarnishing her sister’s reputation
Freely admitting that she doesn’t like when Elizabeth hangs out with anyone but her
Flipping out about her mom not being home to cook dinner for her and insisting that she’s ruined her day, “totally and absolutely!”
Telling her brother Steven that he has no taste in women and then crying about him trying to ruin her perfect day when he gets pissed at her for it
Bawling to Liz that Todd tried to sexually assault her.