[Featuring GIFs from the show Maron!]
Once upon a time, I knew extremely little about love and relationships. To become enlightened, I read books like The Rules and He’s Just Not That Into You (HJNTIY).
But texts such as these just created more questions than they answered. I recall interrogating Bamboo about HJNTIY. He was like, “Some guys really are just lazy” when it comes to asking out women.
“But the book would argue that if you were really into a person, you’d stop being lazy,” I said.
“Sometimes people don’t know what to do in that situation.” He cited a situation where he really liked someone but he just didn’t do anything about it because he didn’t know what to do. Then he brought up the good point about vague women, which I myself was one. If being flirty and hugging people was part of my personality, how could that be a green light for a relationship?
I said, “BUT THE BOOK WOULD SAY—”
“—that if you really wanted this person, you’d go for it anyway.”
At that point, Bamboo said that the book was pissing him off, and that the guy who co-wrote the book was counteracting all guys’ excuses with HIS own excuse.
“The world isn’t black and white,” he said.
I was so worked up that eventually Ivey, who’d suggested I read the books in the first place, just told me to just forget it. “The only thing you should take away from it is that you’re fly enough to fight for. Don’t settle for some douche who never calls you. That’s all.” Over and out!
That was 2007, but romantic troubles still plagued me in 2010 and 2011. I second-guessed everything I did. I overthought every action and sentence. I’d wonder, “What message am I sending? How can I convey what I want to convey without actually saying it?” Such overly complicated game-playing to protect the heart seems so unnecessary now, but at the time, it seems that keepin’ it real just wasn’t an option.
Anyway: Thanks to my brother, I met some new friends, including Peacock, who was a couple years older than me and completely hilarious, very glib. He wrote me long, witty emails “on Expert” and was amused that I had experience playing D&D and was obsessed with Rock Band 2. (I’d practice “Visions” by Abnormality on the bass for hours while drinking rum and cokes for magical Rock Band powers, and doing so led me to unlock the Endless Set List, but more on that another day.)
In fact, it was after a night of Rock Band “rehearsal” that Peacock, Pumpkins, Ivey, and I hung out in the living room at The Mansion, having an impromptu romantic symposium. We analyzed dating and relationships for hours. Ivey and I had been just fine, doing such a thing on our own via email for years. This time, though, we had the dudes to interrogate, and interrogate we did. We fired off bazillions of “what if” questions in regard to a hypothetical date that took place at a Moe’s. Oh, to have a recording of that conversation! Everything seemed so exciting and enlightening.
Also around this time, I aspired to care about professional football; I thought it might be fun to give a fig about a sport. Peacock wanted to help usher me into this phase of life, so the day after an evening of D&D, he, Pumpkins, and I headed to an Irish sports bar to watch his team, the Chicago Bears, play a game on TV the next afternoon. (I owned a TV but had no access to even local channels, and I feared this minimized my chances at love. Pumpkins and Peacock just laughed when I wondered, “Could I still bag a babe even if I didn’t have cable?”)
For NINE HOURS the three of us sat there, having what Ivey would call a “total dish fest.” We analyzed relationships and dating and guys and gals and blippity blop for a million years, and it was all so much fun and so interesting and downright revolutionary.
Por ejemplo, I asked them if a guy not asking a woman out was a sign of disinterest, because as you know, according to The Rules and He’s Just Not That Into You, it is—he doesn’t like you enough.
But Pumpkins and Peacock said that couldn’t be further from the truth, that there were a lot of reasons guys don’t ask women out, even if they are interested. They talked about what a guy does to gauge the interest of a woman he’s already friends with—we call this the “toe dip.” I’m like, “Talk to me of toe dipping!”
Peacock and Pumpkins were afraid they’d give away all their manly secrets, so I offered to take an oath to never use my powers/knowledge for evil. In other words, don’t repeat what I’m about to tell you.
To keep things straight, let’s refer to our hypothetical dude as Todd Wilkins and our leading lady as Elizabeth Wakefield. According to the Pumpkins and Peacock, if Todd wants to see if Liz is interested in him, he’ll nonchalantly mention another woman, one that Liz doesn’t know. This is done to see if Liz will get jealous and cut the other woman down. Such a catty stereotype!
Conversely, if Liz wanted to gauge Todd’s interest, she could casually ask one day, “So you ever think about us getting together?” If Todd provides any other answer than “no,” the answer is totally “yes.”
Todd might say something like, “No, nah, nah… Have you?” Liz can then shrug and change the subject, but Todd will be thinking of NOTHING but that conversation all night and will ultimately be trying to think of some way to bring it back up again.
Now let’s join Liz and Todd on a hypothetical date at a concert. Peacock and Pumpkins said it was key for Liz to start walking ahead until Todd’s like “Where’s the fire?” Liz must then turn around, grab Todd’s hand, and be like “Come on!” but she can’t let go until she has to—then Todd knows he’s got it made in the shade. It’s so simple, yeah?
Ideally, Liz and Todd should be on this concert date with another couple or two people who are on the way to becoming a couple. This sets the mood, you see. One half of this second couple should be Liz’s girlSPACEfriend (as Pumpkins would say). This friend should already in a relationship and can’t already disapprove of Todd. Then, Todd must get an in with the girlSPACEfriend. This way, the fellows assured me, Todd simply can’t lose!
Our epic conversation eventually wrapped up—I imagine our asses finally got too sore to continue sitting for longer than half a day on bar chairs.
We all returned to our respective day-to-day business, although Ivey and I would occasionally ask ourselves, “What would Peacock and Pumpkins do?” in regard to various love problems (particularly my own). Wouldn’t it be great if the four of us could all muse over topics like this on a regular basis? Wouldn’t it be EXTRA GREAT if we could somehow trick other people into listening to our hilarious insights as well?
And so, because all things fun must turn into creative projects in my world, the idea for You’re Doing It Wrong: A Podcast About Love and Other Lunacies was born!
Check out Part 2 for further details about the podcast and more revelations in love!
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