Ivey and I once had entry-level-ish jobs that enabled us to email each other multiple times, and not just quick sentences, ether. No, these emails would contain at least five paragraphs full of great detail, as if we hadn’t written each other in months, when in actuality it was more like forty-five minutes had passed. These emails would contain Top 5 lists, mad libs, advice to imaginary callers begging for our help on Loveline, and million-dollar ideas, such as the premise to the world-reknown webcomic Produce High!
We would also assess and critique male celebrities. With great audacity, we would outline all the ways they were not living up to their potential. A dude once asked me, “Who are you to say someone isn’t living up to their potential?” and I’m like, “Are you just playing devil’s advocate or are you trying to piss me off?” Then I went back to mindin’ my owns, as well as the owns of several famous and semi-famous men.
Of course Ivey and I were unable to contain ourselves, so we went public with our opinions and created the blog Foxy Academy! Using the names “Ivey” and “London” (I thought I’d sound more sophisticated with such a moniker), we would use this “online university” of ours to school celebrities on how to be their best selves. We even had a Mission Statement touting our core values!
This is where we would review and score each dude based on the following criteria:
- Appearance: Is the dude looking as foxy as he reasonably can? Or is he rolling out of bed and just expecting us all to swoon? LET’S DISH!
- Portfolio: We don’t just analyze a fellow’s body; we also analyze his body of work. Is he stagnating with just one lame TV series and reaping the royalties of a one-hit wonder, or is he broadening his horizons and maturing as an actual artist?
- Choices: Aside from practicing good grooming and building an impressive resume, we also expect the gentleman to not be a failure at his personal life. Is he bragging about taking virginities on Howard Stern? Is he getting DUIs? Is he a Scientologist? FAIL! Go to the back of the class.
- Personality: My personal favorite category, Personality is where Ivey and I would imagine a dude interacting with us at the imaginary Ultimate Party, which is a fictional bash featuring us as the illustrious hosts and a guest list comprised of other Foxy Academy pupils. We’d base our highly subjective assumptions and predictions based on what we’d already dished about for Appearance, Portfolio, and Choices. Would the guy come bearing a bottle of wine? Would he start a fight? Would he throw up in the pool? Would he take the opportunity to imbibe in a little Irish courage before confessing how much he desired us? All things considered!
- Romantic Potential: Finally, we used all the highly circumstantial evidence we accumulated from Wikipedia, celebrity rags, and our own horny dreams in order to engage in serious debate about how well the fellow knows how to woo a lady, both on the streets and between the sheets.
We’d each assign points (from 1 – 5) for each of the five categories. The point totals for each category would be averaged, and then totaled for a final grade. It’s all super scientific, obvs, and explained on the Grading System page.
The assessment concluded with some helpful suggestions on how our student might improve his grade, such as:
- “It might be sexy if he joined a book club or took an online class!” (re: Channing Tatum)
- “I want him to be more over-the-top! Why stop now? He needs to combine the preppiness of J.Crew with elements from Dennis Rodman’s ’90s wardrobe. He needs to back a really out-there idea, like playing the first concert in space.” (re: Kanye West)
- “I would enjoy him more if he had a broken heart that he wore on his sleeve. I think it’s the only way he can regain his soul! He needs to wake up late, his eyes sore from crying himself to sleep the night before, and eat ravioli straight from the can because he’s too depressed to cook for himself. Then he gets himself a Golden Retriever because he feels so alone.” (re: John Mayer)
- “My suggestion is to try his hand at Wii boxing!” (re: Leonardo DiCaprio)
Sometimes we’d do an “Extra Credit” post and go off on a different kind of tangent. This is where we’d discuss O-Town as a collective (and be the first to ever recommend a boy band member would be better off as a gravedigger) and play a round of Do Marry Kill with the like of Colonel Sanders, Mark Twain, and Albert Einstein. (Marry: Colonel Sanders. Reason: “Free chicken!”)
The site was last updated in February 2011, and so it’s extremely outdated. For example, half the photos on the site are beat, and those that aren’t are housed on Photobucket, a site no one’s probably thought of in the last decade. The last post was about the dudes from “Glee,” and there’s not a single mention of a heroin overdose or pedophilia! Furthermore, Danny Masterson was awarded a C, and there’s no fucking way that would happen in 2018. Indeed, these were simpler times.
How has it been nearly a decade since the final FA post? How did this project peter out? Likely, other demands in life commanded our attention. Still, Ivey and I both think fondly about it: During our last hangout, we broke out the wine and poked around the site, and Ivey wept with laughter, reading our post about American Idol runner-up Justin Guarini (SEE HOW OLD THIS IS?!). In this post, we agreed he was best suited for a career in customer service and not entertainment, except for the TV Guide Channel. Is the TV Guide Channel still a thing? Or is it referred to as the Internet now?
This trip down mem’ry lane has me hardcore pining to rejuvenate this project. Ivey and I did idly converse about the idea, only reigniting it as a podcast! What do you think? Maybe we all just gotta wish real hard, a la Mary Martin trying to get children to prove they believe in fairies to save Tink’s life! CLAP, CLAP!
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