* Photo credit to The Closet *
Who gives glass to someone in jail? And while we’re at it, staples…and thumbtacks… And I sincerely doubt that a guard would let an inmate decorate his jail cell as such and then no one’s allowed to nail this guy for stalking once he’s out and terrorizing the family. Psh.
I also think that the clown on this cover—psychopath John Marin—looks like he should be posing on some sexy birthday card purchased at Spencer’s. Well, if it weren’t for the nasty, evil look on his face. And, y’know, clothes.
Ned Wakefield is horrified to learn that the aforementioned 28-year-old John Marin was released from prison. You see, Ned was the lawyer who locked this cat away ten years ago for killing a mother and daughter at Secca Lake, and John Marin’s parting words were, of course, spent on threatening the lives of Ned’s beautiful six-year-old twins. So yes, John Marin has spent TEN YEARS consumed by thoughts of the Wakefields, making him just your average person in Sweet Valley. Ned turns into a paranoid freak—actually, he turns into a parent for once, finally worrying about the girls cavorting around with God knows who. Good for you, Ned!
The twins are working as waitresses at the Marina Café this summer and think it’s going to be glamorous. Liz has “reevaluated her life” and has determined that she’s a grade-A bore, so she vows to spice it up. This plan naturally includes hating on her boyfriend Todd Wilkins for being so “small town and unworldly” (like Liz is some kind of well-bred prize) even though she won’t tell him what she wants of him and, of course, subsequently dying to cheat on him because he’s not necessarily “a soul mate.” Classic. She spices up her life by ordering iced coffee (ooh! She’s much more sophisticated than Todd now!) and falls for the sailing poet named Ben, who names his boat the Emily Dickenson, drinks iced coffee too, and is full of lame sauce. And while her boyfriend Ken Matthews is out of the picture, doing who the frak knows what, Jess is hot for Scott, a gorgeous guy who’s interning for a TV producer looking to film in Sweet Valley. The twins keep their new affairs secret from each other. How convenient!
Marin is still giving Ned a heart attack by breaking into the house when no one’s home and—shriek!—eating apples and taking off the dog’s collar! (I know, I keep forgetting they have that mangy mutt too.) He also leaves crazy notes and pictures of Alice Wakefield at work for Ned to find and go insane about. Ned hires a private detective to follow the girls around. Oh, yes, I must also mention that Ned makes no mention of Marin to Liz and Jess, thinking that’s the safest thing. Oh, but everyone knows how adults are always wrong in Sweet Valley!
Jess and Scott go parking at Miller’s Point when Jess sees a creepy dude staring at them in the rear view mirror. Scott takes off into the woods after the guy and comes back with a blood-soaked hand and is like, “I scratched it on some branches!” and Jess totally buys it. Then the detective tells Ned that they nabbed John Marin, who had Jessica’s lavaliere on him and was spotted watching the girls creepily at the café. But it turns out that it was just some bum whom John Marin paid to be creepy. Then! Ned’s detective and the detective assistant or whoever wind up knifed to death. Ned and the fuzz show Jess a picture of Marin and she’s like, “No, you sillies, that’s Scott!” Oh dears! It turns out Scott/Marin killed the detective’s assistant the night at Miller’s Point.
Meanwhile, Liz breaks a date with BORING Todd so she can go sailing with Ben, and people actually tell her she’s not a shit for it: “It seems to me that Todd has fallen into the habit of taking you for granted.” HUH? That doesn’t even make sense. A waitress identifies Marin’s mugshot as—you guessed it—Ben! Twin in peril! The coast guard or whatever shows up just as Marin is holding a knife to Liz’s throat (Jesus, the nonsense this girl lives through), but Liz wriggles out his nasty clutches by stomping on his foot—and then falling into the dark, murky sea! Somehow, she survives that too.
Everyone goes home after Marin escapes in his motor-powered dinghy and gets eaten by sharks…so they think! (LOL @ everything in that sentence.) It turns out he’s actually hiding in the Wakefields’ basement! He bonks Ned on the head and makes him bleed! Then he goes upstairs to the girls’ room and prepares to kill them (why not just kill Ned at this point?), but then Ned magically appears in the doorway and shoves Marin out the window like it’s New Year’s Eve. Fin! For now. Marins never say die.
Other Notes:
- John Marin’s cutting out newspaper articles about the twins in his prison cell. I don’t know much about jail, thankfully, but are correction facilities seriously giving inmates scissors? And hand-delivering the newspaper?
- BWA HA HA 4eva @ Marin watching Jess’s appearance on “The Young and Beautiful” IN JAIL: “Marin had watched every one of the twins’ episodes, sitting with the other inmates in the crowded common room of the state prison. Normally, watching soaps was an excuse for good-natured ribbing and raunchy comments about actresses. But Marin had demanded silence on the first day of the twins’ appearance on ‘The Young and Beautiful.’ And silence was what he got. Despite Marin’s youthful appearance, the other prisoners had learned when to comply when he gave an order.” That whole paragraph is one of the most absurd things I’ve ever read. In what freaking universe?
- And how does John Marin learn to wire tap in prison? Seriously: What are SV correctional facilities like?
- How could John Marin be so sure that both Wakefield twins would fall for him AND not tell each other? What an ego!
- I’m surprised Marin didn’t fall so in love with the twins that he forgone his plans to kill them. It’s been known to happen!
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