Now we’ll take a trip to 1994, a scant year after I penned my murderous mermaid masterpiece More Blood, to when I owned a (stylish!) model company! Actually, I was eleven so I didn’t own shit. I also didn’t really know anything about modeling. But Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell and other supermodels of the ’90s were in my Book of Addresses for Celebrities Tweens Care About. (This title may not be accurate.) So care, I did!
Another reason for my interest in models could be attributed to some fashion-design-related gifts I received around this time. Fashion Plates was one such gift (and led to me developing another collection of models—in the same notebook, even!—but that’s for another time). Some of my Fashion Plate creations:
There was another budding-fashion-designer kit I had that involved tracing body shapes, then tracing clothes on them, and giving them patterns and textures. Oh ooh AHHH I found it: Crayola Fashion Designer Kit! It’s all coming back, it’s all coming back to me now. I recall this kit also had a sheet of stickers too perfect for me to ever use.
But anyway—let’s get to the
Stylish Model Company’s Book of Models!
Egads, what a cover. I think this project was largely a chance to use my new Easter markers or something, but I really should’ve laid off the black. The model in the middle is supposed to be puckering up/giving duck lips but I don’t blame you if you thought she had some kind of horrible disease. As for the model on the left, I can only assume the knife from More Blood (a must-read!) is hypnotizing/stabbing/poisoning her or whatever that nonsensical weapon actually did.
Oh huzzah, an introduction from the owner of the company herself (when she was a PH-Steph instead of an F-Stef):
This is really a great example of how I view book introductions. BLAH BLAH WORDS WORDS WORDS. Attempts to say something lofty and important and ultimately being skippable.
Introducing our first batch of models: Jewel Evens, Lilac Jones, and Deanaira Hostage. I am living for these names already. The “vital stats” are clearly the stuff of reading too much Tiger Beat. The birth dates are interesting. The first model is ancient by model standards! The second model would’ve just been dumped by Leo!
Other notable notes: Jewel, age 31 in 1994, will only pose for a single magazine? Someone hates making money, and it’s the owner of this modeling company who has decided to keep this fussy dame on the roster. Lilac’s secret is right on her goddamn face. As for Deanaira, it’s odd to see her on the cover of Playboy flanked by mentions of her being a baby. They grow up so swiftly, no?
And do all these body weights make sense for the cutthroat world of modeling? My money is on nah.
Okay, my notes for this page:
- Karen Rembrant’s “secret” of throwing an alluring look to get a date—the eyeroll this warranted pained my face.
- Where did Kissie Jenkins get such a nickname?
- What is with these picky models only agreeing to pose for and in what they demand? How are they getting work by being so particular? Stylish Modeling Company may be incredible after all. I’m picturing a lot of backroom deals.
- Angela Watson’s eye color is “REAL green” and not that fake shit.
- What sort of tips concern both graffiti and leather?
- LOLZ4EVER at COLORS! magazine’s headlines, particularly questioning the validity of green and pink being, like, y’know, together (PS. I want to read this.)
Here’s where I started getting lazy. I wanted to draw ladies, not invent boring facts and “secrets” about them. I can only assume Bridget Rembrant was Karen Rembrant’s sister…? And I just love those headlines for the January 1990 issue of Cosmopolitan (“How to Make Better Love,” “Tips for Keeping Your Guy at Bay” [at bay from what? Never mind, let’s just pretend the word Guantanamo is in there]). Remember that they are more or less real Cosmo headlines seen, remembered, and recreated by an eleven-year-old. Ah-mazing.
I hope Regina Foster’s play is literally just titled The Play. (She had the lead role, you know!)
Just…what is Emily Wilders wearing on her head? Allure was really pushing the blue ushanka look in 1989. And oh gosh at Ashley Harris’s provocative Cosmo cover at age sixteen. That doesn’t seem like something that happens, but haven’t I already proved I know nothing of modeling? More LOLing at “Hot Sex! Look Gorgeous!” I mean, talk about getting straight to the point and getting to the heart of what the magazine offers its readers.
Let’s gloss over the fact that I didn’t know how to spell mademoiselle and shoot right to Amulene “SEXY” Roxette’s Playboy cover. Although, where do we begin with unpacking this? A few notes:
- The fantastic name that is Amulene Roxette (and that the secret fact is somehow not that that’s a fake name)
- The overwhelming originality of the nickname Sexy and how that is a name she uses and is widely known by
- Her first appearance being in George Michael’s video for “Too Funky” (I’d forgotten about that song!)
- Yet another model who agrees to pose only under certain circumstances
- The brazen out-and-out toplessness on the very front cover, which was—
- —drawn in crayon by a child!
- “You even censored it,” noted my honey.
Making this extra bizarre is childlike Mary Calis innocently doing ballet right above her. Also, Mary’s “secret fact” is she does ballet, which, yeah, we can see her doing. Fuck you, Mary.
I like Lacey Stevonson face-smushing David Macbeth; that is very teen boyfriend-girlfriendy. But enough about those two—instead, oh God @ the nameless models on the next two covers (one being for an entire magazine devoted to negligees). I was clearly working through some stuff.
We conclude with an author’s note! It counts twenty-one models but there are only eighteen. This is because there was an unfinished page of models that I apparently didn’t find important enough to scan; you can see through to the other side of the page. But also, math was not the agent’s strong suit back then. I do, however, demonstrate a strong understanding of what makes for the best kind of content for a fan club kit!
And finally, I invite inspired would-be models to apply to join my agency (and partake in the lazy hiring trend of telling them to interview themselves without any involvement from me). After all, I have to imagine that by the end of this book readers are tempted to give it a shot, if Stylish can find work for even thirty-one-year-old models who insist on only posing in one magazine!
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