It was the early ’90s, and I was obsessed with American Gladiators. Perhaps you remember this TV show featuring intensely buff characters pummeling normal Joe and Suzy Schmoes with giant Q-tips. So enamored was I that I mailed my five dollars off to wherever to become part of the American Gladiators Fan Club that was advertised during the show—and received jackshit in return. Where was my membership card? Where were the stickers and stationery I so longed for? Was anyone a part of this elusive club? I need your insider scoop!

Despite all the action the show touted, the best part about it for me was the ensemble cast. Everyone was so strong and beautiful in their star-spangled leotards and they had amazing superhero-y nicknames. This hulking collective inspired me to write one of my first-ever fanfictions!

American Gladiators Fanfiction in Existence

First, though, what do you imagine an American Gladiators fanfic to be about, exactly? Personally, even now I’m not sure, but some ideas:

A behind-the-scenes look at a new show format where they have to battle to the death
An alternate universe (AU) adventure where they’re super-strong secret agents or actual superheroes with powers
A cautionary tale about steroids

A brief Google search reveals that, at the time of this post’s publication, our cultural landscape is severely lacking in American Gladiators fanfic. (Also apparent is the glaring omission of fanfic highlighting the sexual tension between Jo and Blair from The Facts of Life, but we’ll table that for now.) I was able to find only three stories:

A reimagining of the show in 2014
An m/m (guy-on-guy) story about Gladiator Wolf getting blown by a contestant in the men’s bathroom
A story titled Anal Gladiators, and I used my imagination to ass-ume the plot

Calico Drive: An American Gladiators Fanfiction

Now, I contribute my own story to the American Gladiators fanfic collection: Calico Drive! The title refers to the San Franciscan street that all the characters/Gladiators are living on while they’re—yep, you guessed it—in high school! Of course they are.

To say this story is AU would be… Well, it’s not something that even needs to be said, is it? No one does anything even remotely Gladiatory in Calico Drive. I’d even gone through the trouble of giving everyone new “normal” names, like “Cory Krimson” and “Ron Bonvat.” Why did I bother writing about the American Gladiators at all? A mystery for the ages.

Here’s the synopsis!

Intro!

Diamond and Nitro are twins, and their slightly younger sister is Zap. Nitro plays basketball in the driveway every day with Gemini and Thunder, whom they nicknamed “Killer”: “Killer’s real name was Eric Cornstalk.” I am so good at naming stuff.

Diamond and her best friends, Blaze and Ice, are working on a book about fashion called Fashion Dreamland. Please take a moment to picture those three fierce ladies in their Americana getups sipping Sprites and brainstorming about the following ideas: “selling the books, where to sell them, try to wear one of the fashions in the book, if it makes it big give one to a publisher, try to make a makeup column in the book too.” If it wasn’t obvious enough, I had no idea what I was talking about.

Meanwhile, “this is what’s happening outside. Slap, slap, smack. The boys were dribbling a basketball.” Here’s where I demonstrate I know even less about sports than I do fashion. Thunder (i.e., the aforementioned Eric Cornstalk) makes a basket, which is the entire point of the game, as I understand it. But this infuriates the other guys to the point of physical violence: “Smash! A fist dove into Thunder’s nose by Gemini.”

This bout of fisticuffs screeches to a halt when a foxy female appears and asks with complete sincerity, “I heard someone say that someone needed something. Can I be of some assistance?” This is in response to one of the dudes asking his friend if he needs his face rearranged. I can’t even imagine this scene playing out with such earnestness.

One of the guys inexplicably passes out at the sight of her hotness, and while the dudes carry him inside, Nitro takes the opportunity to ask out this non-Gladiator babe. The girl agrees to the date but acts cryptic about where she lives. Could she be hiding something?!

The Ice-Nitro-Thunder Eric Cornstalk Love Triangle

Then we have several pages of Ice drifting around Diamond’s house, describing all the furniture and colors of the TVs and, bizarrely, watching her friend’s mother sleep. She and Nitro also share a passionate moment at the top of the staircase! It turns out that they used to be involved until she met Thunder (Eric Cornstalk, as you recall). At first, Nitro couldn’t get over it, but they came to a tense truce—at least, until this hallway makeout sesh, which makes Ice rethink everything:

Thunder kisses good, but…was this what she was missing? When she dumped Nitro, she dumped his feelings, him. His kiss told all. Oh, if only she could stop…

All the passion and guilt make Ice pass out. So much fainting! These teens need to get more nutrition or something, with their weak constituions and all.

Cooking Up Love and New Friendships

Meanwhile, Blaze pines hard for Gemini. She’s also giving her older sister shit about only ever feeding her TV dinners while their lawyer parents work too much. She comes up with an idea to host a creative potluck dinner party: “No cookbook, no instructions, no rules… Everything was open-minded and freehanded.” More evidence I don’t know what I’m talking about.

All the teenage Gladiators agree to come to this weird “bakeathon,” except for Gemini, who’s “making time for Karen McFrizy,” a non-Gladiator who goes to school wearing a bikini top. (Episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 definitely influenced this story.) She pairs this look with “a rainbow-colored skirt tied at the waist” and “diamond-studded sandals and glasses.” Maybe I do know something about fashion after all!

Blaze bursts into tears when Gemini can’t make her party because he’s going on a date, which tips him off that she has feelings for him. So he goes to the nurse to get some cloth bandages and pretends he got hurt in basketball. That way, he can break the date with Karen McFrizy and go eat the cream-cheese pancakes Eric Cornstalk made. Then Gemini and Blaze go on a date and smooch at High Raiser Cliff and are in love 4eva!

The gang makes some new friends in this story, including Sabre, who brings an “ice cream cocktail” to the bakeathon. They also meet Elektra, who moves to the neighborhood in the dark of night. Everyone immediately and illogically assumes she’s a robber, until they actually meet her and she reveals her entire life story:

She just moved here… Her parents had a divorce and her father moved to Vegas. Her brother and her went to visit their dad. Their mom decided to go to Nevada to pick them up. But her plane crashed in the Rockies.

I was all about heaping on the drama as a kid. Disney with all its character-building, parent-killing ways have nothing on me!

One Stormy, Stupid Night

Speaking of drama, Diamond hosts a slumber party, and when the clock strikes midnight, it’s time for “Comedy Two Hours”! In other words, the girls go around the neighborhood with a stepladder (?), videotaping all the funny shit that happens in the middle of the night for an hour (what happened to the second hour?), then come back in and watch it. Just the thought of it is so hilarious that Diamond collapses with laughter.

But “the night was holding a wicked storm in its dark, evil clouds.” Lightning crashes, wind whips, and everyone loses their fucking minds:

“I’m so sorry! I’m sorry!” Diamond’s voice cried out. Tears streamed from her face.

“Diamond!” Zap’s voice called out. From what Diamond could hear, she could tell her little sister had been crying too….

Diamond found her friends and sister holding a tree. Zap jumped up and grabbed her sister in her arms. “Diamond! What are we going to do!”

Diamond tried to hold back her tears. “Head count!” She counted Zap, Ice, Elektra, and herself. Where was Blaze?! “Blaze!” she called to the night….

Elektra and Zap screamed at the top of their lungs.

“Shut up! Shut up! We’re not going to die!” Diamond burst into tears.

Tragically, she’s right—none of these idiots die. The storm passes, it starts drizzling, and they go back inside and realize the camcorder had filmed them being dumbasses.

Klepto Cinderella in Leather

Meanwhile, Nitro seems to have forgotten about Ice and is instead all about the gal he met in the driveway, who shows up on dates wearing things like “a tight fluorescent green leather dress with charms all over it.” (I’m picturing the outfit Earring Magic Barbie wore.) According to Nitro, one of her winningest attributes is that she’s “organized.” Why did my childhood self cite this as a virtue a seventeen-year-old dude would be wild over?

But this beauty has a secret: She lives in a small shack amid a pile of ashes. She’s a legit Cinderella, yeah? She explains:

“It was a big beautiful house. Then one day… It blew up in fire. We couldn’t afford a new house so my father built this shack. We steal to survive.”

She gives Nitro back a watch she’s stolen from him: “I can’t steal from you. I love you too much.” Then she runs into her candlelit shack, crying.

What does Nitro do about the most organized woman of his dreams? Apparently, nothing; the story ends there.

Outro!

There is, however, a diary-entry epilogue written from Diamond’s POV that explains how Nitro’s impoverished, leather-clad honey moved away and Nitro found a new girlfriend who’s “okay.” It also summarizes other things no one had any doubts about or needed to know, like that Elektra was adjusting well to school and Sabre tried out for basketball and was awesome at it. What about the Nitro-Ice-Thunder triangle?! We never find out; Diamond concludes with

“Well, I’ll write some more next time. Goodbye. I hope that all the people liked the truth I put down. Maybe next time we’ll make it better! Okay, goodbye!”

THE END

An Accidental American Gladiators Fanfic

TL;DR: This is one boring-ass story about friendship or something. It’s without a doubt the dullest American Gladiators story ever written. Even my pal Pine Cone wrote a better one today without realizing it:

STEF: I wrote a fanfic about [American Gladiators] when I was eight.
PINE CONE: How many times did you use the word “Nitro”?
STEF: I changed his name to “Mark Taylor.”
PINE CONE: Why?!
STEF: Because “Mark Taylor” worked better for my purposes.
PINE CONE: Are you trying to make it not sound like it’s from American Gladiators? Also, in my head, fanfic is sexual. Is this sexual?
STEF: Not at all! Although Nitro and Ice share a torrid kiss that makes Ice pass out.
PINE CONE: “Mark Taylor looked ripped in his singlet. ‘Gosh, your mullet looks hot,’ said Sarah Kensington.”
STEF: Ice’s name is Cory Krimson.
PINE CONE: “’There are so many obstacles for us to overcome,’ said Cory. ‘But we can make it if we try,’ said Mark. ‘Better watch out for these balls. And my shooter,’ said Kevin Rogers.”
STEF: Which one is Kevin Rogers?
PINE CONE: He’s one of the challengers.

Legacy Quotes from American Gladiators That Are 100% Lies

A character cheat sheet followed Calico Drive. It helpfully identified who was related, best friends, and/or lovers. Highlights: Diamond’s boyfriend is Turbo (whom I named “Greg Bafif”), Nitro marries Lace at age 19, and Zap dies!

My unfinished childhood drawing of (some of) the Calico Drive gang! From left: Blaze, Diamond, Ice, Zap, Sabre, and Elektra. In front: ERIC MUTHAFUCKIN CORNSTALK Y’ALL

My younger self also crafted some buzzworthy quotes on behalf of the American Gladiators, as if they were asked to reflect on the greatness of their lives since being on the show. Some of my favs:

Sabre: “My summary on my life is different than what I wanted it to do. This is my dream, not my life.” (I think I understand what he’s saying, but I also think I don’t.)
Gemini: “I’m really happy with my life. Happy, happy! Joy, joy!” (I hope he said this with a straight face and pure sincerity.)
Lace: “I’ve had a strange life. I’m here with Nitro, married him, had a kid, left him, went to Thunder, left him, went back to Nitro. I thought, ‘Is there a man who will satisfy me?’ That’s where I found my strength.” (I love that this waffling tale is someone’s legacy quote. From the wondering if there’s a man who can pleasure you endlessly is where someone derives the strength to blast opponents with an air-powered tennis-ball gun in the Assault event? Well, now that I say it aloud, it makes more sense.)
Siren, the deaf American Gladiator: “I’m very strong. I’m on top of the world. I can do anything—except hear.” (I had to halt all the presses and run into the kitchen to read this one to my honey, and we laughed our asses off.)

In conclusion, here’s what Thunder had to say: “Hey, are you happy with your life? I know I am. Try and top it.” So confrontational and aggressive from a dude named Eric Cornstalk, don’t you think?