Rejoice, busy buds: Here’s another batch of summarized cinema! I watched these so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Shampoo

Womanizing hairdresser WARREN BEATTY has his hands full—too full—of women: ex-mistress JULIE CHRISTIE, current girlfriend GOLDIE HAWN, current mistress LEE GRANT, and even LEE GRANT’s daughter CARRIE FISHER.

WARREN BEATTY

On top of all that, I have to weasel money out of LEE GRANT’s husband JACK WARDEN, who’s currently having an affair with JULIE CHRISTIE! When will it end?

It ends one night at a massive hippie party. GOLDIE HAWN and JACK WARDEN see WARREN BEATTY and JULIE CHRISTIE screwing to the Beatles by the tennis courts.

GOLDIE HAWN

What a douche.

GOLDIE HAWN dumps WARREN BEATTY and goes to Egypt. WARREN BEATTY races to JULIE CHRISTIE’s place to profess his undying love, but he’s too late: JACK WARDEN left LEE GRANT and is going to Acapulco to marry JULIE CHRISTIE. Everyone, however, winds up with great hair—except, oddly, WARREN BEATTY. Fin.

Romeo + Juliet

LEONARDO DICAPRIO is tripping his balls off when he sees the fair CLAIRE DANES through a fish tank at a costume party.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I know nothing about you except that our parents have been at war since the beginning of time, and our cousins can’t help but whip out their guns at gas stations and blow up half the town when they see each other. Still, I think we could really make this work!

CLAIRE DANES

Totally. Even though my cousin JOHN LEGUIZAMO hates every single person in your family, your best friend HAROLD PERRINEAU is in love with you, and I’m already engaged to PAUL RUDD, I can see definitely a future for us!

A series of unnecessary events follows: JOHN LEGUIZAMO kills HAROLD PERRINEAU; LEONARDO DICAPRIO kills JOHN LEGUIZAMO; CLAIRE DANES pretends to kill CLAIRE DANES; LEONARDO DICAPRIO kills LEONARDO DICAPRIO; and CLAIRE DANES for-real-real kills CLAIRE DANES. Everyone’s real sorry about it. Fin.

Jerry Maguire

Sports agent/emotional cripple TOM CRUISE starts his own agency with only one client: wide receiver CUBA GOODING JR.

CUBA GOODING JR.

Show me the money!

TOM CRUISE is supported by RENEE ZELLWEGER, his secretary and single mom to precocious JONATHAN LIPNICKI.

JONATHAN LIPNICKI

Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds?

TOM CRUISE and RENEE ZELLWEGER wind up married yet estranged due to TOM CRUISE’s aforementioned emotional retardation. But when CUBA GOODING JR. nearly dies in a football game, TOM CRUISE suddenly finds the words he needs to say to RENEE ZELLWEGER.

TOM CRUISE

You complete me.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

You had me at “hello!”

TOM CRUISE’s heart grows two sizes that day and he makes CUBA GOODING JR. millions of dollars. Fin.

Xanadu

Roller-skating, mystical goddess OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN appears to fame-seeking album-cover painter MICHAEL BECK.

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN

Behold, it’s me, your beautiful muse, fresh from Olympia! I’m here to inspire you to live out your noble destiny: Open up a roller rink!

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN falls in love with MICHAEL BECK, and her GOD PARENTS shun her for falling for a mortal. MICHAEL BECK steps through a portal to Olympia and has a chat with her GOD PARENTS, who demote OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN to a roller-skating waitress and return her to Earth. Fin.

Evening

VANESSA REDGRAVE lies on her deathbed while her daughters TONI COLLETTE and NATASHA RICHARDSON look on.

TONI COLLETTE

I’m pregnant and scared because I’m a total commitment-phobe!

NATASHA RICHARDSON

Oh, enough already; you’re fine.

TONI COLLETTE

I guess.

VANESSA REDGRAVE

I remember the day when I was young and looked exactly like CLAIRE DANES. I met the love of my life and lost him because my best friend’s alcoholic gay brother went all Ducky-from-Pretty-In-Pink on me before going off and getting himself killed. Sigh!

VANESSA REDGRAVE thinks THE SASSY SCOTTISH NURSE is a magic fairy and dies. Fin.

Dazed and Confused

It’s the last day of school in 1976. Myriad high schoolers—including JOEY LAUREN ADAMS, ADAM GOLDBERG, PARKER POSEY, JASON LONDON, MILLA JOVOVICH, and BEN AFFLECK—are planning on celebrating it in style: by getting drunk and/or stoned and humiliating incoming freshmen.

BEN AFFLECK
(paddling the buttocks of a poor freshman)

YAHOO! I’m a complete DICK!

JASON LONDON
(crumpling up an I-will-not-do-drugs-so-I-can-sports contract)

And I refuse to be controlled by my coach! Come on, let’s go live it up while we can.

Jocks mix with stoners, freshmen mix with seniors, and all these motley characters come together to party at the water tower. JASON LONDON and JOEY LAUREN ADAMS smoke weed with MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY on the fifty-yard line of the high school football field and then go get tickets to Aerosmith.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
All right, all right, all right!

Fin.

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