I’d forgotten all about my 2008 blog, Movies: Abridged! Even more forgettable were some of the movies I apparently saw. Well, I rediscovered the site’s content, and now I present a few more abbreviated flicks for film lovers on the go!

Bongwater

Pot dealer/some-time artist LUKE WILSON is at his apartment with burnout buddies ANDY DICK and JEREMY SISTO, smoking bowl after bowl. ALICIA WITT bursts in, wearing way too dark lipstick and dragging her friend AMY LOCANE, who’s cracked out on something.

ALICIA WITT
(to LUKE WILSON)

You! You must’ve sold her something awful! This marks the first day of both my hostility toward you and your attraction to me. Mind if I come live with you? BTW: Your refrigerator art is so good! Y’know, I know someone who could make you famous!

ALICIA WITT introduces LUKE WILSON to BRITTANY MURPHY, an airhead art poseur who tries to get in LUKE WILSON’s pants by buying him a giant bong. Grossed out by this, ALICIA WITT moves to New York with heroin addict JAMIE KENNEDY and gets raped in a limo.

ALICIA WITT

I thought this was supposed to be a comedy!

BRITTANY MURPHY and LUKE WILSON go to a stoner retreat, where they drop acid with JACK BLACK and run around the woods making annoying noises.

JACK BLACK
(wielding a guitar)

Now I’ll play a song that wasn’t good enough for a Tenacious D album!

LUKE WILSON sleeps with AMY LOCANE.

AMY LOCANE

So this is life after Melrose.

ALICIA WITT comes back from New York, and she and LUKE WILSON see a UFO. Fin.

Fool’s Gold

Ship stewardess KATE HUDSON divorces crappy treasure hunter MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY for being nothing more than a crappy treasure hunter.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

I bet I can totally get her back if I drag her on a crappy treasure hunt.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY and KATE HUDSON search for a long-lost Spanish treasure. KATE HUDSON references MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY’s amazing virility almost as many times as MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY gets bonked on the head/punched in the face/etc. Even though gangster KEVIN HART is trying to murder them, MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY and KATE HUDSON manage to find the treasure and crash-land a plane in the sea without dying.

KATE HUDSON

I guess it’s true love after all, even though we fight all the time and I’ve done nothing this whole movie but insist that we got married only for the sex.

KATE HUDSON remarries MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, presumably only for the sex. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY’s face winds up with exactly zero scars. Everyone gets really tan. Fin.

Undiscovered

LUKE FALCON, struggling singer/songwriter and super hottie, mourns at his piano in L.A.

LUKE FALCON

I should be concentrating on becoming famous, but all I can think about is that whiny-faced model I threw my glove at on the NYC subway.

Across town, the WHINY-FACED MODEL watches her new best friend ASHLEE SIMPSON attempt to perform Shakespeare.

WHINY

All I do is create unnecessary drama for myself by not breaking up with my rock star ex-boyfriend, who has absolutely no redeeming traits. What I should do is commit to Luke Falcon and try to figure out why anyone would ever believe that I’m actually a working model.

ASHLEE SIMPSON

Why don’t you pretend you’re worthy of Luke Falcon’s groundless pining by helping him get discovered?

WHINY and ASHLEE SIMPSON create a stir on the Internet about LUKE FALCON, who becomes famous for five seconds after being seen with foreign model SHANNYN SOSSAMON. His fame goes down the tubes when everyone realizes it was all hype, and he’s forced to play “Jungle Love” at a dive bar.

CARRIE FISCHER and FISHER STEVENS

We’re so famous! Why are we in this picture?

ASHLEE SIMPSON sings a song with LUKE FALCON, and then he runs through an airport to sneak on WHINY’s Jamaica-bound plane. He gives her a glove. They kiss. Then WHINY cuts LUKE FALCON’s hair off, making him 72 percent less fine. Fin.

Fat Girl

(Note: For maximum effect, please visualize script in French. Merci.)

The twelve-year-old FAT GIRL mopes in the backseat of the family car while her MOTHER drives and her SISTER sits in the passenger seat.

FAT GIRL

What a crappy vacation! I had to spend the entire time witnessing some dude feel up my SISTER. It’s not fair! When do I get to lose my virginity? Is there no justice in the world?

The car pulls into a desolate rest stop. While everyone takes a nap, a RANDOM CRIMINAL smashes the windshield, bludgeons the SISTER to death in her sleep, chokes the MOTHER, and then rapes the FAT GIRL.

FAT GIRL

At least I got laid.

Fin.

Godspell

HIPPIES dance in a Manhattan fountain with JESUS, the guy with the fro and DIY Superman shirt.

JESUS

After this whimsical baptism, let’s act out Bible parables, sing songs, make puns, and generally overact!

HIPPIES

Yay! What fun! Jesus rawks! God is kewl! We speak/sing only in exclamation points!

They all sit down to a Last Supper in a junkyard.

JESUS

So… one of you will betray me.

HIPPIES

No way! Who would do that?!?

JUDAS shows up with the cops.

JUDAS

Uh, I would.

JUDAS ties Jesus to an electric fence with the weakest binds ever. JESUS dies. The HIPPIES cry/ cart his body around the city/ clap their hands/ flail their limbs/ sing “Day by Day.” Fin.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

It’s 1957, and Soviet agent CATE BLANCHETT is pissed at HARRISON FORD for not giving her more information about alien remains at Roswell.

CATE BLANCHETT

I want to know!

HARRISON FORD hides in a refrigerator to avoid a nuclear blast and goes to a diner with SHIA LABEOUF.

SHIA LABEOUF

You know, your buddy is in Peru and totally insane after finding a weird-shaped crystal skull.

A motorcycle chase ensues. CATE BLANCHETT points a gun at HARRISON FORD’s long-lost love, KAREN ALLEN.

SHIA LABEOUF

Mommy!

KAREN ALLEN

I guess now’s a good time to mention that SHIA LABEOUF is really HARRISON FORD’s son.

HARRISON FORD

What? How could you not tell me that? This is so like you!

KAREN ALLEN

You can tell we’re meant for each other because we’re bantering and bickering even in the face of death.

HARRISON FORD and the gang find the alien’s crystal skull; engage in sword fights; nearly die in quicksand and get eaten by army ants; and go over not one, not two, but three consecutive waterfalls. Finally, they find a temple full of skeletons. CATE BLANCHETT pops a skull on a HEADLESS SKELETON.

CATE BLANCHETT

I want to know!

The NO-LONGER-HEADLESS SKELETON comes to life, become a giant alien, and sets CATE BLANCHETT’s head afire.

CATE BLANCHETT

Noooo! Too… much… knowing!

HARRISON FORD, SHIA LABEOUF, and KAREN ALLEN flee the temple just as a UFO rises up from the ground and zips away. HARRISON FORD marries KAREN ALLEN. An Indiana Jones hat floats through the breeze and lands at SHIA LABEOUF’s feet, beckoning him into the franchise. Fin.

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