I mentioned the story Fallen Angels once upon a time. The title makes it sound like a manuscript at the bottom of Anne Rice’s reject pile. In truth, it’s a Sweet Valley High ripoff with bits of My So-Called Life thrown in. (There’s even an Angela character! Thus, all the MSCL GIFs to follow.) It’s also written by fourteen-year-old me, who knew nothing about anything, so it has that going for it as well.
I just finished reading my eighth-grade journal, in which I talk about Fallen Angels like it’s going to change the trajectory of Earth: “It’s getting good! My dream is to finish the story, have it become a TV series or movie, and I’ll play Angela, one of the many troubled teens in this tale of anguish.” So much to unpack in that 1998 dream of mine, nestled in the journal entry between a rave review of a Semisonic CD and a memory of mailing a letter to my friend via the US Post.
Today I cracked open the Fallen Angels file and somehow slogged my way through the thirty-five, single-spaced pages I’d written. It was an exhausting experience. Despite this, I did notice with interest some striking similarities between it and the first ten Produce High comics. What if I had to write Fallen Angels in order to create Produce High? So, I’m sorry for the shade, Eighth Grade Stef, but the good news is you did come a long way, so says me!
Fallen Angels: The Gist
I’m crushed to report that Fallen Angels is not laughably bad like Calico Drive, the American Gladiators fanfic I’d penned at the tender age of eight. Perhaps it should stand to reason; I was nearly double my age when I wrote Fallen Angels. That means, though, there are not enough preposterous moments to underscore in this post. It’s also full of characters who are just barely different from each other, making this a relatively boring read. In short, I’m gonna be sending this story through my gold pan, trying my darndest to sift out some sparkly nuggies.
The Setting
A slew of homogenous sophomores, juniors, and seniors from the fictional Blue Crest High School somewhere in Michigan converge upon an unchaperoned house party. This fête provides the setting for sundry dramas of varying intensity/dumbness.
The Characters
There are an overwhelming number of characters in this, all equally dull. Thus, I will keep it high level as I talk about these “people who were ready to have the time of their lives. People who were ready for their lives to start.” I can’t even with myself sometimes, I swear.
Noelle and Max are fraternal twins. Max goes to the party with his football friends. Noelle attends with her pals Angela and Samir. Samir begs Ebony to join them as well to be his moral support: He plans to finally ask out his bestie/longtime crush Angela. Ebony agrees, ditching her ten-year-old sis at home alone because she hopes to see her crush, Curtis: “Just the thought of him made her want to undress.” This info is, like, 90 percent of the first chapter, which means you’re about 90 percent done with this synopsis already.
Meanwhile, the school ne’er-do-wells stop playing pool at a warehouse in favor of scoping out the party. This includes Taylor, who resents having to babysit his depressed, alcoholic girlfriend Vicki; Keanu, who still longs for Vicki after their breakup three months ago; and Zak, who is unimpressed and sulky. So hot! (Yes, “Taylor” and “Zak”—Hanson sneaks into the narrative once again.)
Prosperity, the Enid Rollins of this story (even described as “pretty in her own way”!), is the Marcy to Haley’s Peppermint Patty. Haley has a Posh Spice bob and “aqua eyes that sparkled full-time”: “It was no surprise that she was the one with the boyfriend.” Haley drags Prosperity to the party to meet Elliot, her long-time boyfriend whom her parents have forbidden her from seeing.
Finally, Yolanda is the one throwing the party. She’s freaking out because she has to tell her boyfriend, Jake, something important. She swears she’ll do it after the party: “Let his last night as a carefree junior be a fun one.” DUN DUN DUN!
The Dramas
Instead of going in order, it’s best if I summarize what happens to each clump of party-goers, lest our heads explode.
Some Love Triangle Drama
Vicki is profoundly wasted, and Taylor does not approve. He’s sick of taking care of her after her many benders, which are the result of her dead brother, her mother “losing her mind,” and breaking up with possessive, overprotective Keanu. He tells himself to get a gal who’s already got her shit together. That’s when his gaze lands on green-eyed Angela, the Mary Sue of this story/Stef’s future breakout acting role! Taylor asks Angela to dance to Heart’s “I Want Your World to Turn,” which would never happen most in the history of things never happening.
Now Samir’s a sad boy; everyone in the free world is aware of his pining for Angela, except for Angela herself. His friends “there, there” him for a while until Samir proceeds to get quite, quite drunk and berate Angela in the middle of the dance floor to an Aerosmith soundtrack. Do any high school parties actually have dance floors? Why are they listening to these bands from the ’70s at their rager? You could argue that at least they’re playing the ’70s bands’ ’90s songs, but that somehow makes it lamer.
Samir drinks himself into unconsciousness on Yolanda’s “neatly manicured lawn.” Ebony and Noelle discover him and take him to Ebony’s house, where Ebony plans to have an impromptu slumber party. Meanwhile, as Keanu and Vicki enjoy a drunken cuddle, Taylor gives Angela a ride to Ebony’s house in complete silence. They then share a torrid driveway smooch to The Shirelles’s “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” (In case you’re wondering, there’s no music in this story that normal ’90s kids actually listened to.) Samir witnesses this and again lays into Angela about being a slut who canoodles with losers. His confession of love has really gone off the rails, hm?
There is a second love triangle stirring! At the party, Ebony seeks the neon-green-haired Curtis but keeps bumping into dweeby boy-next-door Howie, who’s clearly into her. But it turns out that Curtis is best buds with Howie! Furthermore, Curtis is gay, although that’s in the character description doc and not actually revealed in the scant ten chapters. I bet that’s more of a hurdle for Ebony to overcome than ol’ Howie’s unrequited feelings.
Romeo and Juliet Drama
Haley immediately ditches Prosperity at the party in favor of finding Elliot. We learn that Haley’s older sister ran away with her boyfriend. Now, her parents fear Haley and Elliot will do the same. And so, the two are not allowed to see or talk to each other and must resort to clandestine meetings, like this one! The couple disappears into the master bedroom to fool around. However, Jake and Yolanda kick them out before they can GO ALL THE WAY.
Really Dark Drama
In truth, I hate calling this storyline “drama” because it’s nothing to take lightly. As soon as Holly abandons her, Prosperity whirls around to look into “the greenest eyes she’d ever seen.” Despite this romantic beginning, the unnamed emerald-eyed stranger gets her very drunk and rapes her in the nearby woods. It’s a legit scary scene and one of the only instances of something actually happening in this story. Haley and Elliot witness Prosperity stumbling out of the woods afterward, and they call the police. This breaks up the party that literally every character has been bitching about since arriving.
Another fairly dark storyline concerns Vicki. Post-party, Keanu drops her off, she scratches her dog’s head, then she evaluates the scars on her wrists from a recent suicide attempt. Only her love for Taylor has kept her on this earthly plane. She is not going to be amused by this Angela business, is she?
Baby Mama Drama
Yolanda has a few cryptic internal monologues about loving Jake (“my beam of light in a lonely, empty existence”) and not wanting to do what she must. What must she do, you wonder? Answer: Abruptly dump Jake in the middle of the party, run into an upstairs bathroom, and prepare to jump off her roof to free everyone of the problems she’s about to unleash upon them. Jake finds her and talks her out of it just as she loses her footing and spends some time, dangling from the gutter. Ultimately, Jake hauls her inside and does a lot of cradling Yolanda like a child. He is too paternal throughout this story for my liking.
Anyway, they kick Haley and Elliot out of the master bedroom to have their serious talk. Finally, Yolanda confesses what we’ve all guessed about twenty pages ago (or at least from this section’s title): She’s pregnant. Surprise! Well, at least, she thinks she’s pregnant. Jake proposes they take a test just as they learn the cops are on the way. Then, the police interrogate Yolanda about who brought the booze and tell her someone was sexually assaulted at her shindig. Can you imagine nearly falling off a building and then having to deal with all this?
Commitment-Phobic Drama
Angela hates Trina, a “notorious flirt”, and they have a nasty exchange, although it’s never explained why. Following this, Max meets Trina for the first time and falls promptly in lust. We get a glimpse into Trina’s thoughts, which reveal that despite all the flirting she does, she is actually abstinent. She’s sick of people gossiping about her and wonders if she should settle down with one guy to quell the rumor mill.
Similarly, Max’s friends tease him about how he’s just not relationship material; he’s just too much of a playboy! In defiance of this assessment and an attempt to control the narrative, Max asks Trina to be his girlfriend during a backseat makeout sesh. Trina seizes the opportunity to give some CPR to her own image, so she agrees. That’s what we call getting together for all the right reasons!
Indifferent Drama
Zak mopes and smokes cigs and has a poetically sexy Jordan Catalano lean. No doubt this is why Noelle all but lowers her sunglasses at him and swivels her head, ’80s movie style, as he walks by. She tries to talk to him but he blows her off. The reason for his rudeness? Noelle is clearly a nice girl, and Zak’s brother killed himself after a nice girl left him. This is definitely teenager logic and reason at work here.
And that’s it! Forever!
Choice Lines
Tragically, there are not any out-and-out ridiculous lines like in The Oregon Trail series. But there are some overwrought gems used to dramatically conclude scenes that I must share:
- “I’m so sorry it’s such a sin not to get wasted and act like an asshole for once, and just dance.” But in his mind, it wasn’t a sin at all. More like heaven, really.
- “Everything is perfect,” she purred, and buried her face in his neck, so he wouldn’t see the tears brimming in her pale blue eyes.
- “I guess I was due for a change. Ya know, change is good. Everybody needs it, and everybody goes through with it.” They nodded. They wished something would change just once in their lives…for the better.
- She didn’t know if it was love or not, but she never felt like this about anyone else. And right now she would give him anything he wanted. Anything.
- The night was filled with disappointment, and those who had been spared of problems, would get theirs later.
BLEH! I’m vomiting everywhere!
Wait, there are some unintentionally very silly lines:
- She never had a really serious boyfriend—it definitely would be something new. Then again, did she really want something new? Won’t she have time for that when she’s older and joins the workforce?
- You could hardly tell from his all-American looks that he knew as much about kissing as Trina. And Trina…she knew a lot about kissing. From experience, of course.
- “I think you should be questioning that Taylor guy’s motives more than mine. It’s so obvious that he’s using you. One week, it’s Ang. The next week, it’s LSD!”
- He wasn’t hot in a grab-the-fire-extinguisher way, but his aura was. The way he was leaning against the railing, the way he held the cigarette, the seductive vibes he was sending off…Noelle couldn’t help herself.
- She knew she shouldn’t look—the way he treated her was still fresh in her mind—but it was like watching a porn movie…she knew she shouldn’t look, but curiosity ruled out.
Then there’s this misguided attempt at empathy:
Haley just couldn’t believe her friend was just raped. It seemed unbelievable. Some guy…had just taken something from Prosperity without her permission, and no matter what, she couldn’t go out and just get it back. That’s what made it so awful. Haley had thought it was awful when, in seventh grade, her Discman had gotten stolen and she never got it back. She had gotten a new one for Christmas, but this time, it wasn’t anything like that. This time, it was actually a part of Prosperity, which made it much worse.
That’s like, so deep, man! Queue more puking.
What Next?
So where exactly was this story headed? We have three ways of trying to find out.
The List of Future Books
We can look at the list of future Fallen Angels book ideas for clues—or not. Incredibly, it by and large focuses on characters that aren’t even in this book. It mentions a “Victoria Matthews” and her “secret life,” with no mention of the already mentioned “Vicki” and her plethora of problems. What was I thinking? I’ll never know. But two titles not included in the blog post indicate that Ebony and Haley try out for the cheerleading squad, and a “major nerd” both falls for and starts blackmailing Noelle. You see, nothing makes any sense.
The Character Descriptions
We can also consult the character description document I’d created for hints of what was to come. This doc is probably worth an entirely separate blog post in how loony it is. For instance, is it necessary to note that a character likes “playing in snow” or “can sing the Big Mac song really fast”? And can you believe that one of someone’s dislikes is “people who look at her with disdain”?? There are an oddly high number of students wearing religious symbols on chains around their necks. I for sure found a character plotting form on AOL Teen Writers or something and filled this out in an attempt to know who I was writing about better. I don’t think I filled it out correctly.
At any rate, here are some things slated to happen according to the character description doc:
- Yolanda is, in fact, pregnant and plans to elope with Jake…
- …but there’s a “cunning” new character (a cheerleader!) who “wants to steal Jake away”!
- Curtis tries to get Howie and Ebony together.
- Angela has a falling out with both Samir and Ebony and starts hanging out with three other dudes. (She and one of the new dudes get crushes on each other!)
- Four teens not even in this book form a rock band called Youthfully Mature.
- Trina’s cousin Cymanda comes to live with her. (She wants some tropical fish!)
- Angela joins the yearbook committee.
There’s no info about what happens with Prosperity or Vicki. The characters who actually have real things going on are unexplored in favor of nonsense (like yet another dude pining for Angela).
Our Brains
Finally, we can use our noggins to deduce what’s next. I mean, are there really any twists? Taylor would long longingly for Angela but feel trapped by Vicki. Samir’s attempts at apologizing to Angela would somehow just turn into more insults. Zak would struggle to keep Noelle at a distance. Max and Trina would be miserable together or actually fall in love.
However, I have no idea how I might’ve handled Prosperity’s storyline. Maybe that’s why I stopped writing; I overwhelmed myself with an actual plot.
How is Fallen Angels Like Produce High?
Fallen Angels clearly influenced the early days of my webcomic Produce High, yet I forgot all about that until I actually reread Fallen Angels. In fact, some scenes are straight-up recycled. Let’s take a closer look.
Produce High quickly deviated from Fallen Angels after that, which makes sense; there’s not even that much of Fallen Angels to continue to draw from. This blog post is probably longer than the actual story. But at any rate, I must give props to this story that influenced my webcomic, which has gone on to have more than 210 comics!
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