* Photo credit to The Closet *
A new Elizabeth? Be still, my heart. I’ve been dreaming of such a moment. The only premise that would be better would be A Comatose Elizabeth. True, it’s been done. But think of how copacetic everything was when she was on the brink of doom!
Liz actually looks sixteen here, with her young little squishy face.
So as the entire free world knows, Liz Wakefield is a snore who gets aroused by the prospect of going to the museum to see the History of Communication exhibit. Lila Fowler’s all, “Imagine a world full of Elizabeth Wakefields. Could you imagine a duller, more predictable place?” Frankly, no. Anyway, now that Liz has got herself a perm, she wants to do other wild things…like surfing! She goes to the beach and is like “Why hadn’t [I] thought of this earlier?” I don’t know, babe: You’d think that growing up in Southern California with the ocean practically in your backyard, the idea was bound to come up at least once or twice. Anyway, a sexy, zinc-oxided surfer naGGamed Sean Blake makes a random commitment to turn Liz into the best surfer ever and help her win some surfing competition. Convenient! Everything in Sweet Valley is.
Liz keeps her surfing lessons a secret because she wants to surprise everyone with how bad ass she’s become. (Yawn.) Everyone thinks she’s working on a marine biology project for funsies, and she’s like “I’m not really lying—I’m just not telling the whole truth.” Whatever helps you sleep at night, girl. Todd Wilkins gets jealous—to no one’s shock—that Liz won’t spend time with him, and when she can spare a few moments, she invites him over for a game of Scrabble (Thrillsville!) and then ignores him the whole time, thinking about surfing. Then he sees Sean drive Liz home and Liz acts all shady (but doesn’t ever tell him that Sean’s been hitting on her left and right), and they get in a Liz vs. Todd spiel.
Elizabeth nearly dies in a surfing accident, but then the next day she’s hanging ten. Give me a break. Then again, everything a Wakefield is a miracle. I bet if one traced the girls’ family tree back farther than Alice Larson and Theodore Wakefield, Jesus would be mixed up somewhere in their lineage. Sean’s gal pal Laurie is hardcore pining for him, but is all woe-is-me since Sean only has eyes for Liz. She vows to make Sean notice her by learning how to surf on her own, and Liz overhears Laurie telling a friend that she mustmustmust make Sean notice her at the competition. So Liz throws the competition in front of her spectating friends so Laurie can win—how big of you, Liz—and Sean’s like, “Oh, wow, I guess I’ll go talk to Laurie” and Liz considers her work done, not that the book ever says that Laurie and Sean ever became a couple or anything. And then Liz and Todd have a long and passionate kiss. In Sweet Valley, is there any other kind?
Meanwhile, Jess is super embarrassed because school gossip Caroline Pearce told everyone about her Magenta Galaxy/Daniella Fromage escapades. I don’t understand why she’s upset about this; she’s done other, stupider things that everyone found out about, which makes her decision of seeking revenge look extra douchey. She goes to the Unique Boutique, where Caroline works to pay off some debt, and acts like a c-rag customer in an effort to get Caroline fired, which is sort of effed up, especially since they’re all supposed to be sort of friends. Why does anything in this series surprise me? Caroline gets the last laugh, though, when she lures Jess into a dressing room and steals all her clothes before quitting and walking out of the mall, leaving Jess stranded in her underpantz. Ha ha. You mess with the bull, you get the horns. A wise, jaded douche said that once.
Other Notes:
- Half the book is just Liz and Sean spouting off surfing lingo, making the book a quicker skim than usual.
- “Elizabeth felt she deserved a triple scoop with extra chocolate sprinkles, but she settled for a small cone, since she would be heading home for dinner soon. She didn’t want to surprise everyone with how fat she could get!” Oh, for Christ’s sake.
- So here’s a question: How can a book about becoming “exciting” be so BORING?!
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