#16 – Rags to Riches | HappiMess Media

It took me forever to recap this book. That’s because I hate it! To absolutely no one’s surprise, everyone in this book is a moron.

So on the cover, we have Jess hovering around Roger Barrett (now Roger Barrett Patman) like an annoying blonde gnat, proudly sporting that damn lavaliere necklace. Her boobs look surprisingly small; the way the guys fall all over themselves trying to smell a Wakefield fart, I would’ve thought J&L had some tig ol’ bitties.

Hippie Oracle art editor Olivia Davidson and her formerly poor-as-dirt boyfriend Roger Barrett Patman have a conversation in the cafeteria that is the worst exposition I’ve ever read in my life. I mean, I don’t expect much, but come on. Anyway, Roger goes through all this back story about his mom died of a heart attack and it was revealed that he’s actually the son of the brother of Bruce’s dad (got all that?), so now he’s living at the Patman estate. Roger doesn’t dwell on the fact that his mother just fucking died; he’s more concerned about using the right fork at the mile-long dinner table. “I wish she could let me know somehow how to change overnight from Roger Barrett to Roger Patman,” Roger says of his mother. Wouldn’t a person with—I don’t know—a soul wish instead for his mom to still be alive? Then again, what am I saying with all this talk of “souls”? Sweet Valley might as well be the Hellmouth.

Of course, Jess is all hot for Roger now that he’s got the Benjamins and because he’s now “wearing contact lenses, instead of his glasses, and he had on neat corduroys instead of his old jeans.” He sounded hotter before. Although Jess is currently seeing Neil Freemount, “one of the best-looking guys in the twins’ class” (yeah, him and about fifty other dudes), she vows to break up Olivia and Roger, so when the Patmans hold an informal barbecue in Roger’s honor, Jess tries to impress snooty Mrs. Patman by acting like a maid. Huh? I don’t understand a single detail of this plan. I doubt most people with brains do. However, Mrs. Patman loves Jess and calls her “lovely and poised” (which I doubt anyone acting like a servant has ever been called). Mrs. Patman hints to Jess that Olivia and Roger don’t belong together and someone ought to break them up. But who?

Jess cashes in on Olivia’s insecurity with Roger’s new lifestyle and attempts to win Roger’s affections by being better at tennis than Olivia and kissing Mra. Patman’s ass. Again, I ask: Why would anyone think that this would actually be a clever plan? For some reason, though, it seems to work, for a bit. Olivia and Roger break up after fighting over whether or not she should go to the Patmans’ party at the country club, and Jess steps in, offering to be Roger’s date. She even tells Roger, “Olivia told me she was going to break her date to the dance with you so you’d turn up by yourself and everyone would laugh at you.” Seriously? That sentence is like something I’d jokingly tell a friend to be annoying, and then the friend would laugh at me. But Roger actually buys it until he overhears Mrs. Patman talking on the phone to some other wealthy dried-up bitch about how proud is she that Jess manipulated the situation. Roger (and Liz! WHY?) go over to Olivia’s, and the couple make up while Liz just sits there and watches them. I hate Ned and Alice for breeding BOTH these blond monsters.

Anyway, Roger and Olivia go to the country club together and just because he tells Mrs. Patman’s friend that Olivia is his girlfriend, Mrs. Patman flips the hell out. Fortunately, Mr. Patman—who’s actually an easy-going, good-natured guy—steps in and tells his wifey to politely STFU. Bleh—but SVH villains rarely ever get the comeuppance they truly deserve, no matter how much the ghostwriter tries to pretend like they do.

As a boring subplot, Todd Wilkins and Liz poke their noses where they don’t belong (quelle surprise) and gossip about Regina Morrow, who’s been skipping school and meeting up with an older guy who looks like Paul Newman. They seriously obsess over it and follow Regina around town trying to figure out what the deal is. To make matters more annoying, Liz gets all upset when she hears other people talking about Regina and acts like it’s none of their business. YOU FUCKING WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY TO STALK HER IN YOUR CAR, LIZ! I hate this girl so much. Then, when Regina confesses to Liz that the guy owns a modeling agency and she’s going to be on the cover of Ingenue magazine (which she’s been keeping a secret because…well, just because), Liz goes to Todd—her partner in espionage—and is all “I can’t tell you what’s going on! It’s a SECRET! It wouldn’t be fair.” Liz is such a turd. But of course, she and Todd make up, and he tells her that he doesn’t care that she kept what was supposed to be their secret from him, and is all, “That’s why I love you” or whatever and it’s just fucking irritating.

Other Notes:

There’s an insinuation of sex! Yes, in a SVH story!: “Well, I guess my mother fell in love with Paul Patman and they spent more and more time together, and—“ Roger stopped, his face turning red. “I understand, Roger,” Olivia said softly. I should hope so.
Jessica’s room is painted brown, which to me has always seemed out-of-character of her; I expected bright reds and oranges. Anyway, she and her family all call it “the Hershey bar,” which makes it sound like a turd of a room to me.
Roger refers to Olivia primarily as “the best friend he’s got.” How…romantic?
At the barbeque, Bruce Patman wears a tiny little nothingness of a bathing suit that Todd says reminds him “of a Band-Aid.” Way to go, Bruce!
Also at the barbeque, everyone gapes at Olivia like she’s a criminal because she took two plates of food instead of one. WTF is wrong with these people?
At one point, Liz tells a fib and is “surprised at how quickly the white lie slipped out.” Oh, gimme a break. Liz is probably the only one ever surprised by her own actions. I’m on to you!