* Photo credit to The Closet *
That witch is sexy. Way too sexy to be kissing that Arabian GOON—I don’t support it. And there’s Jess—looking way too innocent to be Jess—dressed as a genie. (In case you couldn’t tell, it’s Halloween in Sweet Valley.)
So Jess fell in love with this twenty-three-year-old named Jeremy Randall with “loving, fathomless eyes,” who was about to marry Alice Wakefield’s dead, college BFF’s daughter Sue Gibbons. (You got all that?) But Jessica actually objected at the wedding, surprising exactly no one, and ruined everything, also surprising no one. She’s now hiding out at Lila Fowler’s mansion and pining away. Then Jeremy calls her up, calls her “babe,” and everything is all right. They go out on a date and Jeremy actually proposes to Jess. And actually insists that she keeps it a secret. And Jess actually says yes. Please note that 24 hours before, he was getting ready to marry some other girl. Then he says he has to peace out to Costa Rica for two months and that he’ll call her when he can. Only a sixteen-year-old would trust this douche.
Meanwhile, the Wakefields are so pissed at Jess that they want to send her to boarding school in Washington State. Maybe if they’d raised their daughter properly instead of letting her run rampant, ruining people’s lives and rubbing her crotch up against every single boy in the area, none of this would’ve happened. Why they haven’t already arrested Jeremy for feeling up their little blond jail bait is beyond me. And Sue, Jeremy’s eighteen-year-old ex-fiancée who is staying with the fam, is constantly sobbing on the shoulder of Elizabeth Wakefield and is ready to commit suicide over that Jeremy loser. In fact, she actually tries! She takes some pills when she finds out that Jess and Jeremy are engaged and gets her stomach pumped. Howevs, she really didn’t take too many pills, and soon after she confesses to Liz that she lied about having the life-threatening blood disease that killed her mom, and that she’s actually a TV-dinner heiress who will inherit her mother’s fortune provided that she’s broken up with Jeremy for two months. Could this all be a plot? Considering the spine classifies this book as “Deceptions”… nahhh. Couldn’t be.
Amy Sutton makes a documentary and in it captures footage of a dude who looks like Jeremy canoodling with a girl who looks like Sue. Can it be them? When Jess goes with Jeremy to the Project Nature Halloween party, she loses her new fiancé… until she finds him feeling Sue up in the woods. Jess runs away in tears, and when Jeremy has the audacity to ask Liz for help, Liz snarls, “I wouldn’t help you if you were falling off a cliff. Now, take a hike, you two-timing jerk, before I run you over [in my Jeep]!” Eep! Liz is so mean! SVH has certainly kicked up their insults since the days of, “I’d rather date a dog turd” comments or whatever. Then Jeremy shows up at the Wakefield residence, all ashen-faced, and is like, “Sue’s disappeared.” Scoff, a lie if I’ve ever suspected one. But we have to wait until the next book to find out what happens!
Plot B: Lila has a hot artist boyfriend named Robby Goodman and she doesn’t even care that he’s poor! This is huge character growth right here. However, she does mind that he has no business sense whatsoever and feels he is getting screwed by gallery owners, and so she signs him up for a business class. They fight, he goes to the class. Then he signs up for an art class during which he draws nudes. They fight, he makes her a Mona Lisa costume. Then they live happily ever after for next forty some pages.
Plot C: This is so ridiculous it’s worth mentioning: Todd Wilkins and Winston Egbert go get haircuts and wind up failing at life. Even though his girlfriend Maria Santelli says he’d look good with long hair in a ponytail (a girl after my own heart), Winston’s look is so crappy that he keeps going back (to the same hairstylist) until he’s bald. And Todd gets this new wave look: “It was very short, almost shaved on the sides and back, but much longer on top, and sort of flopping forward into his eyes. He had seen the same haircut on a guy in a music video.” Was the video called “I Ran”?
To really make matters ugly, Todd starts growing a mustache. Liz is ready to kill herself over his new look. She calls his limp excuse for a mustache a “caterpillar in a rainstorm,” and says “she had always felt really lucky to have him. Until now. Until the mustache.” UNTIL THE MUSTACHE. This really brought on the lolz, I tells ya. “She was simply going to have to forget about his appearance and concentrate on the person within—the person she had always loved. But it was going to be tough.” Jesus Peasus! Don’t ever give anyone shit about how “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” again, Liz. They get into a screaming match over how ugly he is, and Liz bawls her eyes out and hurls the cruelest insults at him I’ve ever heard, and it’s sort of surreal at how mean they are to each other over something so insipid. Then again, it is Sweet Valley High…
Everything’s resolved when Todd shaves his mustache and cuts his hair, and Liz loves him again. And Winston goes to the Halloween party as Captain Jean Luc Picard in celebration of his baldness.
Plot D: The boys and girls are separated into different math classes because the boys act like a bunch of obnoxious tools and the girls can’t get anything done. Then the girls get better grades and Liz writes an Oracle article about it and everyone treats her like she won the Pulitzer. It’s a thrill.
Other Notes:
- The book says Jess hasn’t dated anyone since “the young English lord Pembroke.” First of all, I want to date an English lord. Second, it’s not like that was so freaking long ago!
- Maria Santelli comforts Winston re: his haircut by sitting on his lap with her arms around his shoulders and nibbling on his ear, making him close his eyes and go “Mmmm.” This scene would be hotter if he had hair.
- Sue wants to see a movie called Happiness is a Warm Scone. LOLZ.
- Why do people who get caught cheating always say the stupidest shit, i.e. Sue: “We weren’t doing anything” when she’s practically giving Jeremy a hand job in the woods? I’m a fan of “Let me explain.” At least it’s not an outright lie!
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