* Photo credit to The Closet *
On this cover, we have Liz giving Jessica her evil eye as Jess gazes longingly at the biggest tool I’ve ever seen in my life. He looks like he just lost the Macaulay Culkin lookalike contest while Michael Landon marries him off.
We left off with Jess having the audacity to make out with the newest love of her life, Jeremy Randall, at his own engagement party. “It didn’t matter that he was engaged to marry Sue Gibbons, the daughter of Jessica’s mother’s college roommate.” It never does. Liz is ridiculously pissed at both of them and spends her time either stalking or scolding Jess or reading more self-help books. Even Enid Rollins is like, “I really feel silly about coming after [Jess and Jeremy] like this…I hate getting involved in these things. It’s really none of our business what they do.” But naturally, her wise words fall upon deaf, dumb ears.
Speaking of Liz, I totally hate her guts in this book, making it just your average day. She frets about how to tell her long-time boyfriend Todd Wilkins that she cheated on him with a psycho who dressed up like a werewolf and tore people’s throats out, and we have to put up with the same “It was so out of character for her to have done something like falling in love with another guy” bull shit. To make matters more annoying, when Todd returns and admits that he had his own summer fling that was way more casual than Liz’s sordid affair, Liz turns into the biggest fucking self-righteous hypocrite of the century, lapsing into “How could you? I trusted you. I thought about you the whole time I was in London.” Then she runs away and refuses to speak to him, and acts all curt and bitchy when she runs into him. Can’t go on…paralyzed…with hate…
And what does Todd do? Shoot her “beseeching looks” and tell her how great she looks. That does it: I’m convinced that Todd deserves all this agony. However, they make up at Jeremy’s boring-ass bachelor party (which is full of high school boys, just eating dinner—what is wrong with everyone?) when the girls crash the event, dressed like bobbies (for realreal), and Todd forgives Liz within one page of her confession. Ugh, eff them, man.
Meanwhile, Jess weasels her way onto Sue and Jeremy’s dates, urged on by Jeremy telling her that he’s going to call the whole thing off with Sue. However, Sue reveals that she’s dying of the same rare blood disease that offed her mom, and Jeremy feels he can’t leave her now. Instead of feeling compassionate, Jess assumes Sue is lying about her condition and continues to molest Jeremy behind everyone’s backs. And, on the wedding day, Jess shouts her objections in front of everyone and announces that Jeremy’s in love with her, and the wedding’s off. Or is it?
In the Lila Fowler sub-plot, she’s suspicious of her new paramour Robby, the slacker artist, and thinks that he’s only interested in her because she’s wealthy, so she decides to test his love by pretending that she’s a poor orphan, taken in by the cruel, inhumane Fowlers and spending her whole life savings on buying Robby a dinner at a fancy restaurant. Robby is so moved by Lila’s story that she fears he likes her better when she’s poor, but blah blah blah, she tells him the truth and he’s cool with it.
Other Notes:
- Jessica’s character is like erotica-lite for young women. She traps Jeremy in a mall elevator with her and “[backs] Jeremy into a corner….Jessica felt her whole body tingle with the excitement of being so close to him in this secret, stolen moment. And she thought it was thrilling that Sue was in the same department store, totally unaware of what they were doing.”
- Jess has some pretty good zingers for Liz in this one: “Maybe you should go upstairs to your room and read some more pop-psychology and figure out why you’re so concerned with everyone’s problems except your own” and “It’s not like you’re Miss Perfect yourself…It seems to me that you were practicing a little deception yourself in London if I remember correctly.” Of course Liz has no valid reply.
- Liz tells Alice to shove it when her mom makes suggestions for Sue’s bridal bouquet: “I think we should let her find what she likes, and then you can give your opinion if she asks for it.” Excuse me, the irony just became a little thick.
- Apparently, Jess and Jeremy look uncannily like brother and sister. “He could almost be her twin.” Not only does this not deter Jess, she thinks that this “only proved further that they were made for each other. ‘We’re each other’s perfect half.’” Sick. But why should I expect less? She and Liz are always raving about wanting to do Steven.
- Sue acts about twenty years older than the twins, calling them cutesy nicknames, fondly recalling high school, telling them how precious they are, calling Jeremy “honey” all the time, when she’s only eighteen.
- More Liz suck: She actually wants to throw Sue a “book shower” for her bridal party. Actually, Enid is cool in this book; she tells Liz to stop being such a “prude” and backs the idea of throwing Sue a lingerie party. (::DIES:: thinking of sixteen-year-olds buying lingerie.) LOL @ Liz “picturing the dying Sue in a red teddy.” (Note: Jess gives Sue some chaste, over-sized granny panties at the party.)
- Speaking of LOLs, this was a riot: “‘This is the last time I’ll ever throw a bachelor party,’ Robby thought to himself. ‘The guests are asleep, the bride is dying, and the groom is in love with another woman.’” You should’ve provided some T&A, Robby. Then all would’ve been forgiven.
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