* Photo credit to The Closet *
The twins are in black and white, and the logo is shattered! That’s a sure sign of foreboding. The cover artists couldn’t get a better quality cake from Getty Images? At least they remembered all seventeen candles.
Fifteen years since they first burst on the scene as the most dazzling sixteen-year-olds the world has ever known, the twins are having their very first birthday on June 13th. (Yes, it’s a Friday.) Liz has decided to throw Jess a secret birthday party at the Beach Disco with music by The Droids, while Jess plans a clandestine, elegant shindig on the beach with a jazz quartet for Liz. How they never had the conversation that began “Hey, what should we do for our birthday?”, I will never know.
When the invitations to both parties go around, friends from both twins’ camps go “Eep!” and wonder how the hell to save the day without ruining the surprise. What results is the unimaginatively named plan called The Plan. Everyone bonds together to screw up the separate parties, effectively torturing the twins, and have a big surprise party back at casa de Wakefield for both J&L.
But wait! During all this party planning, a bunch of random stuff happens:
A. Winston Egbert and Maria Santelli get into a fight! For a couple of cheap laughs, Winston blabbed to everyone about how Maria still sleeps with a terry-cloth bear named Mr. Ted, and Maria flips out and deems him untrustworthy. Ultimately, it’s more interesting than any fight Liz and Todd ever had. I enjoy seeing Winston pining and doing more than walking around with an arrow in his head for a guffaw.
B. In a really dumb sub-sub-subplot, Bruce Patman told everyone he got into Harvard. He didn’t. To save face, he announces to everyone that he’s decided to grace SVU with his presence. I don’t even know why this is mentioned.
C. Olivia Davidson paints boyfriend Ken Matthews’s portrait, and he’s super excited for the unveiling—only to learn that she painted him in the nude, despite that she’s never seen him in the buff. (Pity.) He whimpers, “But everybody’s going to think that I…that you…that we…” Dude, you’re a guy! Don’t you want people to think that, regardless if it’s true?! He demands that Olivia destroy the painting, but Olivia is so crushed and horrified that Ken would censor her art. While they alternate between arguing and avoiding each other, I’m still stuck on the thought about Olivia—an innocent Sweet Valleyian—sitting around painting her boyfriend’s wang.
D. Speaking of wangs, Devon Whitelaw is roaring around town on his motorcycle, being snide and moping about his failed relationship with Elizabeth. To emphasize his douchiness, he goes out of his way to get Liz a boring gift to her to prove that he’s so over her. Man, why bother? Ugh, all these dudes are such chicks.
Now back to the shindig, which was prefaced by a minor earthquake, no big, pay all this foreshadowing no mind, it’s a party, y’all! Olivia arrives with a new painting—a close-up of Ken’s head and shoulders and not his junk—and so she and Ken make up and it’s gross. One would think they’d be a good opposites-attract couple, but they’re just creepy and unnatural, and not in a good Jackie-Hyde way.
Speaking of making up, Maria and Winston reunite as well, so we can all wipe the perspiration from our brows. It’s sort of cute: He drags her into the basement and apologizes with all his sentences ending in exclamation points while Prince Albert barks and breaths his dog breath all over them. (“So, are we a couple again? Or do I have to throw myself down theses stairs, where my mangled body will meet its bloody death far below, at the bottom of this dark abyss?” “Winston, the bottom’s about eight feet.” “I was speaking metaphorically.”) Tee! Then, in true My Super Sweet Sixteen fashion, Ned and Alice give the twins their third Jeep.
Todd Wilkins, still smarting from the way Liz screwed over him and Devon Whitelaw the past couple of books, all but holds up a skull and ponders to go or not to go to the Wakefield bash. Since deciding to avoid Liz all summer by going away to a North Carolina basketball camp, he attends to party to bid his ex a heartfelt goodbye. It actually makes me uneasy! And yet I hate Todd and Liz together. Go figure.
So then! Billie Winkler, Steven Wakefield’s girlfriend, goes for an ice run and gets stranded, so Jess and Steven take out the new Jeep to pick her up. Lila Fowler hogs the bathroom when putting on lipstick so Todd barges in, needing to pee, and they have an annoying fight. Devon gives Liz a book on journalism with a sneer and they get into an even lamer fight. Olivia, Ken, Maria Santelli, and Annie Whitman are chilling in the kitchen with Prince Albert. “Then a girl’s voice screamed, ‘Earthquake!’” For some reason, “Wipeout” is now playing in my head.
Jess and Steven get into a car accident; Todd and Lila Fowler get trapped in the bathroom; Olivia gets a slab of plasterboard, a wooden beam, and the fucking fridge all dumped on her body; Enid Rollins conks out by the pool; and Winston goes into shock, fearing for Maria’s life. Who will live? Who will die? In regard to the latter, my money is on the girl with anvil, safe, piano, and kitchen sink all piling up on her.
Other Notes:
- Steven and Billie take time away from studying from exams to attend the twins’ party, although it’s June and they’re in college and thus school should be over. And no, I don’t think Steven would take a summer course—he’s barely there during the fall and spring!
- Suddenly, Liz is back in Devon’s chemistry class after she just transferred out. So she can change classes at a whim? Of course—silly me! I must remember who I’m talking about here.
- Naturally, Ned and Alice leave the party at their own house completely un-chaperoned to go on a date because they figure their kids don’t want them around. Ned, Alice, I doubt they’d realize you were there.
- The Droids wrote a song—“Double Trouble”—specifically for the Wakefield twins. Tres gross, sir!
- To my total shock, Mr. Collins was not invited to the party.
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