* Photo credit to The Closet *
I have no idea who’s who. It’s like Jessica Wakefield crawled into Calvin’s duplicator and came out wielding pom poms. Perish the thought.
Seriously: WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?!
Our story opens with Jessica very upset. Not only has she just quit the cheerleading squad thanks to Heather Malone’s bossy ways, but she’s also just read Liz’s tear-stained diary and found out that her beloved twin and her current boyfriend Ken Matthews were hot and heavy once upon a time between the time Todd moved to Vermont and Liz started dating Jeffrey French. (The book keeps insisting that Liz was cheating on Todd, but how? They broke up in #23 – Say Goodbye! Oh, the melodrama.)
Then Ken gives Jess the idea to start her own cheerleading squad, and Jess blackmails Liz into joining the squad and giving it “the twin factor” by telling her that she’ll tell Liz’s honey / Ken’s best bud Todd Wilkins about her fling with Ken. That sentence felt so convoluted that I have no idea what I’m saying anymore. Jess gets over Liz’s whole secret love affair, although she does try to trick Ken into telling her about his fling with Liz, but he’s too enraptured with Jess to even think about Liz any more.
Liz, however, is soooooo not over it. In fact, now she’s viewing Todd as boring (don’t we go through this every other mini trilogy?) and wants Ken again, despite that she’s never showed a hint of wistfulness toward him in the past. And Jess enjoys making her sister awkward by deliberately trying to make her sister feel jealous / insane: “I’m not leaving until you admit that Ken Matthews is the best kisser of any boy you ever went out with, including Todd.” This is so sick and goofy. And the way Liz pines for Ken is disgusting, although I don’t totally blame her: The guy has more personality than he used to.
But back to cheerleading: This is the pom-pom war, you know. Heather’s four-girl squad is headed to regionals, and Jess is determined to compete. She rounds up ex-cheerleaders Maria Santelli, Sandra Bacon, and even Lila Fowler and puts together a squad that also includes Liz and long-lost, one-time SVH main characters Patty Gilbert and Jade Wu. They’re more dancey and flippy and sassy than Heather’s squad, but here’s the prob: Only one squad per school can go to regionals, and Heather’s gang has already been selected. Jess’s motley group stalks the regional scout to his house and tries out for him, and although he’s impressed, he’s just like, “Next year, girls!”
But does that defeat them? No! Cheerleaders never say die. They head to the football game and usurp half time from Heather’s band of merry pom-pom shakers. Principal Cooper listens to Jess give an “impassioned speech” that sounds more like whining and finger-pointing and agrees to a cheer-off. They’re actually going to make the whole school put aside their education priorities to decide which cheerleading squad should go to regionals. Important! And wouldn’t you know it—the cheer-off results in a tie! Now both groups can go to regionals, but only if they combine into one squad and Jess and Heather are forced to be co-captains. The girls refuse to work together, so the rest of them tell each girl individually that she’s the sole captain. This lie works until they actually get to regionals, and then they both threaten to quit again until the other squad members essentially threaten to murder them if they don’t go through with the performance. I stress “essentially.” And surprise—the SVH squad wins and gets to move on to state! It’s a miracle! Oh, thank God!
Then Liz turns into a freaking lunatic. Ken approaches her at regionals, thinking that she’s Jess, and invites her to a meteor shower party, guest list: 2. And she accepts! And she breaks her date with Todd! And lies to Jess that Ken said he’s going to a family party! Then she goes out with Ken, dressed as Jessica and guilt-free! I seriously shook my head the whole time I was reading this. Liz and Ken make out, and she realizes that she actually loves Todd (oh, for Christ’s sake), and then starts bawling. Ken is basically like, “Um, I want my other Wakefield now.” They decide that honesty’s the best policy (oh, fuck you, Liz) and head over to Todd’s to straighten this whole thing out but it’s too late: Heather told Jess that she saw Ken and Liz canoodling before the regionals performance and Jess puts two and two together, and she’s already at Todd’s with Liz’s stupid diary when K&L arrive. Oh, snap! I totally don’t blame Jess. Then Liz runs off with her eyes full of tears. Stupid girl.
Other Notes:
- Here’s one thing I found effed up (I know, just one thing?): Penny Ayala, editor-in-chief of The Oracle, insists that Liz write a story about the warring cheerleading squads, knowing full well that Liz is now a cheerleader, and no, it’s not a “Day in the Life” piece or anything like that. Excuse me, ethics, anyone? Journalistic integrity? …Anyone?
- Speaking of Liz being a cheerleader, I must point out that even though she’s shunned the idea of being a cheerleader in the past and has no interest in doing anything cheerleadery, her jumps are high and her splits are perfect. Pfft! I should’ve expected as such.
- Heather’s license plate says “CHRLDER”. Oh, give me a B! Give me an R! Give me an E! Give me an A! Give me a K!…
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