HappiMess

The Time We Stole a Snowman

August 25, 2015 HappiMess Media

I’ve never really been one for playing the snow; it’s too cold—I need summer and sunshine—and getting hit with a snowball turns me into such a crank. (Same with being splashed in the pool—I don’t care for water in all its various forms being thrown at me.)

As a kid, I think I attempted a couple of snow creatures and forts. And when I was twenty-five, I drank orange juice and cherry vodka in between shoveling the yard—yes, the yard; I wanted to make snow goons but the snow wasn’t packable, so I had to settle for little mounds (snow goon bebes). Then I did it all again the following night but with wine. I’m depressing myself now. My dad was like, “How old are you? How long has it taken you to finally play in the snow?” and I’m like, “Well, you didn’t give me liquor as an incentive when I was seven.” I enjoy exasperating my father.

But my greatest, favorite snow antic occurred during a winter’s night with Twist on one of our Hot Leaf escapades. We were with a couple friends, some good-natured guys (Skeleton and Cactus), and none of us could think of anything to leave on Hot Leaf’s porch, aside from another Electronic Leaf Tracking Device (disguised as a medium-sized Pizza Hut box) with a note on the inside saying that the Pwetty Kitty Combat Rangers were back and blah blah blah.

We were just about to put it on his porch as usual when we spied a little snowman on the edge of a neighbor’s yard.

I’m sure you know what’s coming—or maybe not? Anyway, I was ready behind the wheel of the getaway car while Twist, Skeleton, and Cactus hopped out of the car and together plucked the snowman from his snowy spot.

They were just about to run to Leaf’s house a couple doors down when suddenly the home/snowman owner opened the front door and started hollering something.

In reply, Twist yelled back, “We’re taking your snowman! We’re kidnapping it!”

And horrified by this exchange, I’m just like, “Ahhh! Get in the car!”

Amid all the shouting and bustle and hustle and confusion, the three of them shoved the snowman in the front passenger seat.

Cactus and Twist dove in the back while Skeleton, in haste, stuffed himself beside the snowman in the passenger seat as I drove approximately three yards to Leaf’s house.

They left the snowman on Leaf’s porch, along with the pizza box.

When they returned to the car, I asked Twist if she thought the snowman owner was going to call the cops, and she said, “No! He was yelling out the door, ‘That’s not what you’re supposed to do with a snowman! Smash it! Smash it to bits!'”

Oh my God, the four of us were laughing so freaking hard. Furthermore, I love imagining the conversation the snowman owner might’ve had about it after it happened, like maybe he shut the door and returned to the living room and said, “Honey…some kids just took our snowman…and they put it in their car.” Ah, makes me laugh, every time.