“The Prince Of Santa Dora”

(Originally aired October 24, 1994)

It’s sad (and redundant) to constantly mention prior to my recap whether or not Jess is being a godawful brat, but attention, y’all: Jess isn’t a horrific bitch in this one. She’s too busy being too, too in luuuuv.

Prince Arthur of Santa Dora, shows up at the Oracle office to surprise his longtime pen pal, Liz, and get Jess all hot and bothered. Is it his slick little side part that does all the girls in? Or his robotic intonation? I just can’t decide. Liz, Jess, P.A., and Todd Wilkins all go hang out at the Moon Beach Café, which P.A. has cleared out especially for them and Paulo, his bodyguard, who is the douchiest-looking dude wearing shoulder pads I’ve ever seen. I could probably beat him up — I’m not trying to start shit; I’m just sayin’. Where does the casting department find these thespian gems?

Jess wants P.A. to loosen up, so she, Liz, and Todd conspire to pull a fast one on Paulo by having Winston call Paulo at the Moon Beach Café’s payphone pretending to be the King of Santa Dora. While Paulo has his back turned, there’s all this clothes switching that seems to last for a half hour and then Jess and P.A. sneak out. The logistics of this plan, like most SVH schemes, escape me, but whatever. Jess and P.A. embark on a montage of fun: They rollerblade! They splash in the surf! They wear frightening, Hawaiian-print tourist outfits! They drink beverages with lots of whipped cream on top! And, of course, fall madly in love in the span of about two hours. P.A. declares, “This. Has. Been. The best day. Of my life. Jessica” and gives her a necklace to symbolize their love and his country’s freedom and all that jazz.

But PROBLEM ALERT! While Jess is fantasizing about becoming the queen of Santa Dora, Paulo tells Liz, Todd, and Lila that P.A. is already ensnared in an arranged marriage. Dun dun DUN! Liz doesn’t have the heart to tell her sister this, even after Jess dons a glittery gown and elbow-length gloves for Lila Fowler’s super awesome black-tie event and squeaks that she thinks that P.A. is going to ask her to marry him after one date.

Jess and P.A. have a romantic slow dance with everyone gawking at them before Lila congratulates P.A. and his not-present betrothed. Jess runs out of the party in tears and P.A. follows her and they argue about this whole arranged marriage biznazz with extreme soap opera-esque close-ups. He swears to Jess that he’ll talk to his pops about it all and begs her to just give him time – ten bucks says we never see this cat again. And the moral of this story is: “There’s more to life than royal obligation!” It’s also all about taking pictures of yourself and an android prince with a giant wooden fisherman!