The Popcorn Experiment

One Tuesday night, Pine Cone and I were hanging out and I got hungry, so I made some popcorn and started rifling through my parents’ fridge when inspiration struck: “Hey, let’s experiment with popcorn!” Bemused, he laughed and said okay, then paused: “Actually, that sounds really fun.”

So we piled every condiment, dressing, and sprinkle-sprinkle stuff on the kitchen table, popped open bottles of Yuengling (our “palate cleansers”), and took notes on our discoveries. I’d write down the name of the condiment, we’d give it between one and five stars (five being the best), and then occasionally throw in a concise critique (e.g., “This tastes like boring dirt. I’M DONE WITH THIS.”).

Below, our findings:

Maple Syrup: ★★★ ½ (“Caramelly!”)

French Onion Dip: ★★★ (“Close relative of the potato chip.”)

Garlic Powder: ★★★ ½

Salsa: ★★ ½

Poultry Seasoning: ★ (“DIRT!”)

Sweet and Sour Sauce: ★★ (“It starts out sweet and ends up sour.”)

Chocolate Syrup: ★★★ ½ (“Delicious!… Actually, no, it’s just all right.”)

Grape Jelly: ★★★ ½

Peanut Butter: ★★★★

Chocolate Syrup AND Peanut Butter: ★★★★ ½ (“It’s like a peanut butter cup…with your popcorn.”)

Spicy Brown Mustard: ★★  (“I have to try it again to confirm its badness.”)

Ranch Dressing: ★★ (“Beginning is both climax and denouement.”)

Cinnamon: ★★★ (“Like a rice cake.”)

Ketchup: ★ ½ (“Like a hot dog gone bad.”)

Soy Sauce: ½ (“Looks like chocolate syrup, will probably taste like soy sauce… It’s so bad it made me spill my beer.”)

Ground Ginger: 0 (“OH GOD, it tastes like a bad idea.”)

Zesty Garlic Herb Chicken Soak: 0 (“Ack! Do not use on popcorn.”)

Nutmeg: 0 (“No no no, tastes like burning!”)

Parmesan Cheese: ★★★★ ½ (“After the recent others, heaven by default.”)

Paprika: ★ ½

Sugar: ★★★ ½

1000 Island Dressing: ½ (“Tangy and disgusting.”)

Barbecue Sauce: ★★ ½ (“Tastes like BBQ Fritos.”)

Relish: ★★ (“Tastes like popcorn and a pickle.”)

Tartar sauce: ★

Wine: ★ (“Something went down the wrong pipe, like the badness of it.”)

Italian Dressing: ★★ ½

Worcestershire Sauce: ★ (“Steak without the meat.”)

Apple Sauce: ★★★ ½

Teriyaki Sauce: ★

Seafood Salad: ★★★★ (“Tastes like it’s on a cracker made of corn.”)

Maraschino Cherries: ★★★★★

I don’t think I agreed with giving cherries five stars, but we were wrapping up at that point and I think we A) wanted to give at least something a perfect score, and B) were so relieved to be done with the nasty seasonings. In conclusion, we agreed everything good in life would eventually become tainted by poultry seasoning.

Shortly afterward, Pine Cone started a Sims game where Sim Pine Cone lived with “Ginger Popcorn” (whom he HATED!), and he threw a party and wouldn’t let her eat from the buffet. But that’s another day’s story.

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