Posts Tagged ‘illustrations’

Worst Children’s Birthday Party Entertainers

The most frightening birthday I ever had was when I turned seven. I had a small party with some other first and second graders, and everything was going great until we busted out the game Operation. I don’t think I’d ever had such trauma inflicted upon my young emotions before. Fear hacked through me every time my tweezers nicked the metal sides while trying to retrieve my patient’s water on the knee, and the game would release that hateful you-disgraceful-fuckup alarm. I eventually ran away crying, unable to take the stress any longer.

Worst Children's Birthday Party Entertainers @ www.HappiMessMedia.com  #birthday #birthdayparty #blog #children #entertainers #funny #humor #illustratedblog #illustrating #illustrations #list #party #topfive #topfivelist Still, as far as birthday party entertainment goes, I’m sure it was a far superior experience than if any of the following entertainers had been present. Now I’m no expert on kids nor do I pretend to be; however, my intuition does suggest that the following would not go over well in any crowd, especially for the under-ten set:

The Grump. Shows up with a cigar dangling from his lip, flips the kids the bird, and then sulks in a trashcan for the rest of the night. Not to be confused with the birthday kid’s dad.

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The Psycho. Chain-smokes and downs coffee and snorts cocaine, all at the same time. Teaches the kids a nice game of Run from the Knife-Wielding Maniac.

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The Depressoid. Dresses similarly to the mime, but differs in that he has a “noose necklace” hanging around his neck, and the rest of the party is spent trying to coax him off the rooftop by telling him he has so much to live for.

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The Ice Cream Lady. A birthday party entertainer who is made entirely from ice cream. Invites the kids to dine upon her. Screams when she is eaten.

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The Vampire. Appears and reappears at random thanks to this magical cloak, most often when someone is using the toilet. Turns into a bat. Turns the rest of the children into the undead. The party winds up at the all-night buffet known as the blood drive.

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Have a suggestion for a terrible birthday party entertainer, or perhaps you had a real-life encounter with one who was truly awful? Leave a note in the comments below!

Unresolved Fantasy Resolutions

I don’t have a specific New Year’s resolution for 2016; I’m going to keep chipping away at my annual birthday goal list. However, I did come across this list of rather peculiar “goals” I compiled for myself in 2006 based on the random things I claimed I wanted to achieve, do, or have. Now I share with you, dear readers, an excerpt!

1. Ride on the back of a motorcycle going at a moderate speed while wearing a hot pink helmet and a prom dress

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2. Have two ponytails that flap simultaneously and make me fly away

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3. Own bubble-making shoes that spurted bubbles out whenever I walked

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4. Grow hair so big I could lose car keys in it

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5. Swim in a shower with a sliding glass door, like on “Tom & Jerry”

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6. Grocery shop in a French Maid outfit

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7. Have a super bowl of milk and a raft made of an Oreo cookie

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8. Make a career out of naming Crayola colors

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9. Ride in a cat-shaped rocket

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10. Have a conversation with a friendly ghost and not be scared

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What are you resolutions this year? Chat about them in the comments section below and feel free to share this post with abandon!

Christmas Traditions of Past and Present

This Christmas will be the first one I spend away from my immediate family since moving from Pennsylvania to Oregon (a move that still catches me by surprise sometimes), so I’m doing all I can to ensure it’s a positive experience. Honey Bear, who is Jewish and doesn’t really give a single chestnut on an open fire about this time of year, has been super sweet and very supportive of my mild case of Christmas lust, as I attempt to be in regard to Hanukkah. Together, we’ve been fusing and establishing our own holiday traditions, such as

  • Our beer advent calendar! We picked out 24 craft beers, wrapping them in the coupons and fliers that come in the mail, and then choosing one at random every day starting on Dec. 1 to share. When we each have our glasses half full, I say, “Day [insert the date]” and he says, “L’chaim,” and then we tink our glasses together and partake.

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  • Lighting the menorah in the presence of the Hanukkah bear and then doing the Hanukkah dance, which changes every year. Okay, so the dance is all me. What occurs is Honey Bear will light the candles and say the prayer while I hold the stuffed Hanukkah teddy bear, and when Honey Bear is done, I bust out a single dance move I invented, one that usually makes him shake his head and laugh. Each night of Hanukkah, I invent a new dance move, and on the last night, I string them all together for the FINALE!

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  • Our plans to eat seafood on Christmas Eve and then, on Christmas Day after opening presents around our new blue-and-gold-themed tree, having what he calls a “Jewish Christmas”: going to a movie and eating Chinese food. Everyone wins!

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I’m happy with and looking forward to these traditions and those of the future with Honey Bear, and I’ll always think fondly of those from the days of yore. Honey Bear is astonished that I hold Christmas so dear and have such positive recollections of the holidays. But it’s true—I do!

I super love Christmas Eve, possibly more than Christmas Day. When I was a kid, the pre-holiday holiday was spent at my grandma’s, with aunts and uncles and cousins and other randos drifting through the door with their merry well-wishing. This changed when I was in middle school to a quieter fanfare of just me, my parents and brother, and four-legged pets. My dad liked to pass around scratch-off lottery tickets, and it’s a struggle to even convince myself that I can be lucky doing those things, so I would never win. We’d have crab legs for dinner, preceded by hors d’oeuvres featuring a shrimp cocktail and my parents playfully urging us to fill up on that and the homemade French fries so there’d be more crab for them. Everyone was always in a great mood and all the anticipation for the next morning made everything so fun and special. Last year, Honey Bear joined in the antics, bringing potato pancakes that he made. (I’d offered my morale support during the frying process and cajoled him into letting me eat “the practice ones.”) My dad kept liberally filling up my wine glass. Yes, wine has often been the very-welcome extra guest at the table. One year my dad got quite drunk with the help our friend Wine and was rubbing wrapped presents on his head, trying to guess what was inside.

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I put my gifts for everyone under the tree on Christmas morning, and absolute earliest anyone would put out the presents would be late Christmas Eve. Even as an adult, I would send myself to bed before that occurred; I didn’t want the reality of how the presents got under the tree to invade the holiday fantasy. I never really got sat down and told that there was no such thing as Santa. Maybe this is part of why I like Christmas; it’s still cloaked in childhood delusion!

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On Christmas Day, we savored the present-unwrapping, stretching it out as long as we could. No one was allowed to open all the magical gifts twinkling and tempting under the tree until everyone was awake, but to appease my and my brother’s childhood impatience, we were allowed to plunder the stockings with wild abandon. Then a cheese-and-crackers-and-kielbasa-and-fruit tray would be shared while we all gathered in the living room in pajamas before a fire in the fireplace and started in on the tree presents. Someone would wear the Santa hat and pass out a present apiece, and then we’d open that “round” of gifts and ooh and ahh.

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Even the dog and cat would get some stuff, and time would be spent encouraging the animal to open their treats by peeling back some of the wrapping paper enough so it could get into it but not enough that it wouldn’t be entertaining for us. Amuse us, beasts!

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Then we’d finish unwrapping the presents, play with our new toys a bit, and then eat dinner. The world would become less cozy at this point as the reminder that work and obligations awaited me the next day. Living in an ornament-shaped bubble such as all I described may seem nauseatingly Rockwellian, but the shadow side is I tend to take the return to real life pretty hard. For example, last year I came home from my parents’ and sobbed for like a half hour in the Christmas fort I’d made for Honey Bear and I to enjoy. It’s just that everyone had been so sweet and caring and made such a kind effort to ensure everyone else had a good holiday, and now everything was BLAH again!

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But I accept now that pairing the childlike fantasy with melancholy is simply and oddly part of the Christmas magic for me. No matter what kind of year I’ve had, I’ll always be able to muster up at least a bit of holiday longing that’ll make me believe something special will happen. That’s what makes this a total Christmas crush!

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Picture Down the Lane: Part 2

It’s the time of year to wrap up presents—and loose ends, like finally getting around to posting Part 2s of various posts! (This also buys me some time to get around to wrapping those aforementioned gifts.)

And so, I offer you this simple post: Picture Down the Lane, Part 2, featuring the doodles and guesses created during a real-life game, with this batch being (potentially) more offensive than the last! (For context, visit Part 1.)


Original Message: “Ladies sneakily touching butts”
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Written Guess #1: “Two basic bitches check out a man in a speedo”

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Written Guess #2: “Two girls, one Egyptian who appears to have soiled himself”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime

Written Guess #3: “A man with smelly pants walks outside of a tent with two girls that seem happy to see him (He is sad)”

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Final Written Guess: “Stinky pants tent man, women don’t like him!”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime


Original Message: “Eat a dick”

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Written Guess #1: “Cock muncher”
Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime Written Guess #2: “A wind-up mouth chomping a penis with hairy balls”

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Written Guess #3: “Pacman gives an awful blowjob”

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Final Written Guess: “Pacman gobbling up a guy’s knob”


Original Message: “Hate fuck!!!”

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Written Guess #1: “Hitler stabs a naked lady in the vagina with his (knife) penis (The woman is part T-rex)”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime

Written Guess #2: “Knife to the vagina from a Nazi?”

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Written Guess #3: “Nazis beat up women”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime

Final Written Guess: Nazi Sucker Punch


Original Message: “Bazinga!”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime

Written Guess #1: “Crowd of people”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime

Written Guess #2: “A mosh pit where one dude is dead next to a fist-pumping dude. Most others look vacant.”

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Written Guess #3: “Mosh pit”

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Final Written Guess: “Crowd-surfing toward the aroused singer”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime


Original Message: “Communist cats rejoice in their glorious leader!”
Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytimeWritten Guess #1: “Kitty facists”

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Written Guess #2: “Nazi cats hold a rally”

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Written Guess #3: “Cat Hitler, Hitler Cat”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime

Final Written Guess: “Nazi cat”

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Original Message: “A boat sinking in a sea of French fries”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime

Written Guess #1: “A boat load of fries”

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Written Guess #2: “McDonalds finally perfected their McHovercraft”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime

Written Guess #3: “Sky-surfing into McDonalds”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime

Final Written Guess: “McDonald’s new Happy Meal toy is the hoverboard from Back to the Future


Original Message: “Well fuck you for all the pictures”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytimeWritten Guess #1: “Fuck for pictures”

Picture Down the Lane, Part 2 @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #art #creativity #fun #humor #illustratedblog #illustration #illustrations #personal #blog #pictionary #telephone #picturedownthelane #chinesewhispers #whisperdownthelane #partygame #game #socialgame #drawing #doodling #doodle #funny #isketch #sketching #sketches #peanutbutterjellytime

Written Guess #2: “A man taking a photo of two stick figures mashing their genitals together”

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Written Guess #3: “Guy records people ironically dancing or fucking. There may be severed legs”

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Final Written Guess: “Music teacher facilitating two high school virgins’ first time”

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Original Message: “Happy dildo”

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Written Guess #1: “A beautiful woman with the happiest erection!”

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Written Guess #2: “Happy man camping on a woman’s vagina”

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Written Guess #3: “Butthole yurt explosion” (Wouldn’t this make for a great band name?)

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Written Guess #4: “A man farting on a tree in space”

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Final Written Guess (which was accidentally made by the person who wrote the original message): “Greenhouse gases or God farts on earth trees”


Ever play a round of Picture Down the Lane? Post your photos or tell your tale in the comments below!

 

The Weirdness at The Stagecoach Inn: Part 2

And now, the continuation and conclusion of The Weirdness at The Stagecoach Inn!

Pine Cone grew more intrigued when I informed him of what I learned about the Stagecoach Inn’s dark past and wanted to go back as soon as possible so he could take his own photos. I tagged along for morbid curiosity’s sake as he dragged his tripod and camera around the perimeter of the old inn, where we found piles and piles of the local newspaper in the backyard, still wrapped in plastic. Once inside, he took picture after picture while I trailed behind him, constantly looking around and feeling as though we were being watched. It was easier to visit the house prior to knowing the backstory; I didn’t know to be so nervous. It didn’t help that Pine Cone was helpfully pointing out stuff I hadn’t noticed before: “Hey, Stef, look how half of that chair isn’t dusty, like someone was recently sitting on it!”

The Weirdness at the Stagecoach Inn: Part Two @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #abandoned #blog #ghost #ghost hunting #ghoststory #ghosts #haunted #haunting #illustratedblog #illustrating #illustrations #mystery #occult #oldhouse #personal #seance #supernatural
The next day in the darkroom, Pine Cone was developing one of his pictures of me at the Stagecoach. I was sitting on the decrepit concrete back steps of the former inn, looking at the ground, completely unaware of the face in the window that was an extremely coincidental reflection of the leaves against the glass. Fear and excitement inspired me to examine the picture closely, and I discovered five more faces. I was probably just trying too hard, although the more I looked at one face, the more defined it became.

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Pine Cone decided to make his own trip to the Stagecoach, armed with a camcorder and a couple of friends one evening. A half an hour later, he showed up at my house, cracking his knuckles and calmly stating that they’d had an “encounter.” According to them, they walked around the house, three of them holding candles. His friend picked up a check written out to the newspaper when for no reason two of the candles went out, and the friend felt a presence touching his shoulder, provoking them to flee in terror.

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These experiences sparked Gypsy’s interest, so she and I ventured to the inn, where she was amazed by the hand-painted signs pointing the way “To the Body Room” and how the inside was still in fair condition even though the windows were broken and the weather was always coming inside. As though we were searching for an answer to a mystery that we weren’t sure of, we rifled through the piles of junk on the floor and found old newspaper clippings, checks made out for more than $500 that never been deposited or cashed, and liquor licenses. The amount of possessions left behind was unbelievable, like someone left in a hurry and took nothing with them.

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Gypsy and I wanted to figure out which bedroom was Joseph Kly’s. The newspapers didn’t make it easy for us to figure out: some claimed it was on the first floor, some insisted it was across from a kitchen, another said that a witness lived above him, and yet another source said the room had been repainted and re-carpeted. None of the rooms downstairs looked as though they’d ever been painted, so we headed upstairs. We were in a bedroom across from an upstairs kitchen, photographing a orange body outline spray-painted on a mattress, when we noticed that the walls looked like they’d been repainted and the carpet looked new. Suddenly, Gypsy looked around and asked, “Do you hear music playing?” My heart started pounding: I had never mentioned to her that the witnesses always heard a radio playing in Kly’s room to drown out his moaning. My paranoia got the best of me and I ushered us out of the house, but the house continued to haunt me. I wanted to go back and do some “spring cleaning” just to see what the house would look like without all its contents dumped on the floor—and see if anything else might get unearthed in the meantime.

The Weirdness at the Stagecoach Inn: Part Two @ www.HappiMessMedia.com #abandoned #blog #ghost #ghost hunting #ghoststory #ghosts #haunted #haunting #illustratedblog #illustrating #illustrations #mystery #occult #oldhouse #personal #seance #supernatural

My friends and I planned to go back on a Monday morning, but the Sunday before, Pine Cone messaged me: “You know how you wanted to go to the Stagecoach tomorrow? Well, it’s kind of burning to the ground right now.”

The Weirdness at the Stagecoach Inn: Part Two @ www.HappiMessMedia.com  #abandoned #blog #ghost #ghost hunting #ghoststory #ghosts #haunted #haunting #illustratedblog #illustrating #illustrations #mystery #occult #oldhouse #personal #seance #supernatural To say I was stunned would’ve been an understatement. I couldn’t have expected anything less. After all those years of the place standing quiet and empty, why would such a thing happen now?

We visited the Stagecoach Inn—or what was left of it—the following morning, where a couple neighbors eyed us suspiciously, our interest being a little too interesting. The building we’d been exploring just a short week ago was now a smoldering, gutted skeleton. The only structure remaining on the still-smoking property was the chimney, although that looked in danger of falling. Flames still licked the gaping holes of the former house. In the grass scorched by the brush fires caused by the blaze, lay some of the books I’d gone through.

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Though the fire at the Stagecoach Inn made the news, nobody seemed to care much about it. The newspaper reported that the fire was labeled “suspicious,” but authority ruled that no further investigation was warranted and no charges would be filed. The house was seen as an “eyesore,” and there was relief that it was gone.

The Weirdness at the Stagecoach Inn: Part Two @ www.HappiMessMedia.com  #abandoned #blog #ghost #ghost hunting #ghoststory #ghosts #haunted #haunting #illustratedblog #illustrating #illustrations #mystery #occult #oldhouse #personal #seance #supernatural

Today, all traces of the Stagecoach Inn have been erased. I’ve driven by the property several times since, and now I can’t even tell where the building once was. I still can’t get over the timing. Suspicious fire indeed—it seemed more than coincidental that the building would inexplicably go up in flames just as we seemed on the brink of truly piecing together all that had happened there. I’d never seen a ghost there, but I’d certainly felt a strong supernatural atmosphere. Could it be that there was something in that house that wanted pieces of the story to be known, and once it was satisfied, used the fire to free itself? Or did the house hold more sinister secrets that it couldn’t let be known? Maybe those feelings of being watched were more valid than we know…

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Hi reader! Have a creepy ghostly experience/coincidence you’d like to share? Please do in the comments below! And feel free to reblog this post!

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