The most frightening birthday I ever had was when I turned seven. I had a small party with some other first and second graders, and everything was going great until we busted out the game Operation. I don’t think I’d ever had such trauma inflicted upon my young emotions before. Fear hacked through me every time my tweezers nicked the metal sides while trying to retrieve my patient’s water on the knee, and the game would release that hateful you-disgraceful-fuckup alarm. I eventually ran away crying, unable to take the stress any longer.
Still, as far as birthday party entertainment goes, I’m sure it was a far superior experience than if any of the following entertainers had been present. Now I’m no expert on kids nor do I pretend to be; however, my intuition does suggest that the following would not go over well in any crowd, especially for the under-ten set:
The Grump. Shows up with a cigar dangling from his lip, flips the kids the bird, and then sulks in a trashcan for the rest of the night. Not to be confused with the birthday kid’s dad.
The Psycho. Chain-smokes and downs coffee and snorts cocaine, all at the same time. Teaches the kids a nice game of Run from the Knife-Wielding Maniac.
The Depressoid. Dresses similarly to the mime, but differs in that he has a “noose necklace” hanging around his neck, and the rest of the party is spent trying to coax him off the rooftop by telling him he has so much to live for.
The Ice Cream Lady. A birthday party entertainer who is made entirely from ice cream. Invites the kids to dine upon her. Screams when she is eaten.
The Vampire. Appears and reappears at random thanks to this magical cloak, most often when someone is using the toilet. Turns into a bat. Turns the rest of the children into the undead. The party winds up at the all-night buffet known as the blood drive.
Have a suggestion for a terrible birthday party entertainer, or perhaps you had a real-life encounter with one who was truly awful? Leave a note in the comments below!
Pine Cone grew more intrigued when I informed him of what I learned about the Stagecoach Inn’s dark past and wanted to go back as soon as possible so he could take his own photos. I tagged along for morbid curiosity’s sake as he dragged his tripod and camera around the perimeter of the old inn, where we found piles and piles of the local newspaper in the backyard, still wrapped in plastic. Once inside, he took picture after picture while I trailed behind him, constantly looking around and feeling as though we were being watched. It was easier to visit the house prior to knowing the backstory; I didn’t know to be so nervous. It didn’t help that Pine Cone was helpfully pointing out stuff I hadn’t noticed before: “Hey, Stef, look how half of that chair isn’t dusty, like someone was recently sitting on it!”
The next day in the darkroom, Pine Cone was developing one of his pictures of me at the Stagecoach. I was sitting on the decrepit concrete back steps of the former inn, looking at the ground, completely unaware of the face in the window that was an extremely coincidental reflection of the leaves against the glass. Fear and excitement inspired me to examine the picture closely, and I discovered five more faces. I was probably just trying too hard, although the more I looked at one face, the more defined it became.
Pine Cone decided to make his own trip to the Stagecoach, armed with a camcorder and a couple of friends one evening. A half an hour later, he showed up at my house, cracking his knuckles and calmly stating that they’d had an “encounter.” According to them, they walked around the house, three of them holding candles. His friend picked up a check written out to the newspaper when for no reason two of the candles went out, and the friend felt a presence touching his shoulder, provoking them to flee in terror.
These experiences sparked Gypsy’s interest, so she and I ventured to the inn, where she was amazed by the hand-painted signs pointing the way “To the Body Room” and how the inside was still in fair condition even though the windows were broken and the weather was always coming inside. As though we were searching for an answer to a mystery that we weren’t sure of, we rifled through the piles of junk on the floor and found old newspaper clippings, checks made out for more than $500 that never been deposited or cashed, and liquor licenses. The amount of possessions left behind was unbelievable, like someone left in a hurry and took nothing with them.
Gypsy and I wanted to figure out which bedroom was Joseph Kly’s. The newspapers didn’t make it easy for us to figure out: some claimed it was on the first floor, some insisted it was across from a kitchen, another said that a witness lived above him, and yet another source said the room had been repainted and re-carpeted. None of the rooms downstairs looked as though they’d ever been painted, so we headed upstairs. We were in a bedroom across from an upstairs kitchen, photographing a orange body outline spray-painted on a mattress, when we noticed that the walls looked like they’d been repainted and the carpet looked new. Suddenly, Gypsy looked around and asked, “Do you hear music playing?” My heart started pounding: I had never mentioned to her that the witnesses always heard a radio playing in Kly’s room to drown out his moaning. My paranoia got the best of me and I ushered us out of the house, but the house continued to haunt me. I wanted to go back and do some “spring cleaning” just to see what the house would look like without all its contents dumped on the floor—and see if anything else might get unearthed in the meantime.
My friends and I planned to go back on a Monday morning, but the Sunday before, Pine Cone messaged me: “You know how you wanted to go to the Stagecoach tomorrow? Well, it’s kind of burning to the ground right now.”
To say I was stunned would’ve been an understatement. I couldn’t have expected anything less. After all those years of the place standing quiet and empty, why would such a thing happen now?
We visited the Stagecoach Inn—or what was left of it—the following morning, where a couple neighbors eyed us suspiciously, our interest being a little too interesting. The building we’d been exploring just a short week ago was now a smoldering, gutted skeleton. The only structure remaining on the still-smoking property was the chimney, although that looked in danger of falling. Flames still licked the gaping holes of the former house. In the grass scorched by the brush fires caused by the blaze, lay some of the books I’d gone through.
Though the fire at the Stagecoach Inn made the news, nobody seemed to care much about it. The newspaper reported that the fire was labeled “suspicious,” but authority ruled that no further investigation was warranted and no charges would be filed. The house was seen as an “eyesore,” and there was relief that it was gone.
Today, all traces of the Stagecoach Inn have been erased. I’ve driven by the property several times since, and now I can’t even tell where the building once was. I still can’t get over the timing. Suspicious fire indeed—it seemed more than coincidental that the building would inexplicably go up in flames just as we seemed on the brink of truly piecing together all that had happened there. I’d never seen a ghost there, but I’d certainly felt a strong supernatural atmosphere. Could it be that there was something in that house that wanted pieces of the story to be known, and once it was satisfied, used the fire to free itself? Or did the house hold more sinister secrets that it couldn’t let be known? Maybe those feelings of being watched were more valid than we know…
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Hi reader! Have a creepy ghostly experience/coincidence you’d like to share? Please do in the comments below! And feel free to reblog this post!
My story with the Stagecoach Inn began before I even realized it. I was sixteen and driving around with my then-boyfriend in his fourth generation Monte Carlo. (If this at all sounds bad ass a/o cool, know that this excursion featured a very innocent stop for ice cream at a family-friendly dairy farm.) I was really into photography then, and my favorite subject matter was stuff that was destroyed, abandoned, or forgotten. My mom and I would take special photography trips involving lots of trespassing so I could get a couple shots of crumbling buildings and statues with peeling paint, rusting cars and swing sets, broken windows, all that. There’s a kind of ominous magic to it; these things left behind, they feel like clues.
That night, I told my then-boyfriend how I just loved the romantic doom of stuff like that, and he told me that in that case, he knew of a place I might like, so off we went, taking more back roads until he pulled into a small driveway to a large foreboding house. Despite my proclivity toward freaking out in such scenarios, I wasn’t afraid; my then-boyfriend was so chill about everything and said he’d been there before with friends. Still, the adventure obliterated my appetite and I chucked my half-eaten raspberry cone in the bushes. We pushed aside some overgrown weeds and bushes in order to get to the front porch and enter through a red wood door. Our flashlight beams bounced around the first and second stories, revealing walls festooned in graffiti, ratty carpeting, and glass shards galore. We were young and oblivious to the potential of squatters or murderers or murderous squatters, although in retrospect, what were we thinking?! (A: We weren’t. See the part about us being young.) It was too dark to see much of anything, so it was an uneventful visit, except I cut my finger after thinking that handling a little cube of glass from an old, giant TV’s shattered screen was a fine idea. (As always, art may be subject to hyperbole.)
Cut to a year later. My then-boyfriend and I had broken up (it was too hard, us going to different schools; I can’t handle very much distance in relationships. But oh! Oh the suh-hum-mer nights!), and I’d joined an art program for high school students, “majoring” in photography. It was through this program I’d met and befriended Pine Cone, and side by side in the dark room, we developed our black-and-white photos and raved about our deep-seated love for destroyed, abandoned things. He wanted to ghost-hunt in a rumoredly haunted house, and when he drove me home, he coasted past the place: “the Stagecoach,” which turned out to be the same one my ex had taken me to the previous summer. Pine Cone insisted it used to be a mental home and that the owners used to torture their patients. I stared at the house through the window and it stared back, looming against the sky, quiet and dark.
When a roll of my film turned out to be too dark, I headed to the Stagecoach with my mom to take more print-friendly photos and explore. The last hours of daylight revealed floors carpeted with broken records and torn, dirty clothing from the 1970s. I tripped on a broken typewriter sitting in a pool of glass. Graffiti spattered the walls: Creeping Death, Axe 2 UR 4Head, Die By My Hand, and Boobs. A blackboard with names, pictures, and fucks hung on one wall, and in orange paint there was an arrow pointing up the stairs to the second floor reading Hell. By some miracle there were still a few glasses still sitting on the shelf, pristine and intact, having avoided the fate of their ceramic plate brethren. Despite the sun sneaking in through the windows, darkness lurked everywhere, and my mom kept nervously opening places of storage, looking for severed heads and bodies stuffed in cabinets and refrigerators, and poking the floor with a stick, saying it felt “squishy.” These fun games and insightful observations aided the decision to leave. (Thanks, MA!)
By now my mom was plenty curious, so she perused reels of the library’s microfilm then let me in on the back story of the house, which used to be a bed-and-breakfast known as the Stagecoach Inn. (All of the following tidbits were culled from several newspaper stories written at the time, although I don’t recall which ones; I didn’t care about citing my sources properly when I was seventeen.) The inn, which also rented out rooms, was run by a funeral director and his politically active wife who took in a 92-year-old man named Joseph Kly. According to the hospital, Kly needed 24-hour care, but instead of taking him back to their house in Scranton, the couple took him to the inn and left him there without any aid.
Kly died in November 1984, and when police arrived at the house, they discovered a corpse in a completely unlivable room. There was fecal matter all over the mattress, because Kly was too emaciated to get up to use the bathroom himself, yet there was no trace of waste on the fresh pajamas the body wore. Witnesses claimed they heard agonized moans from the room that were often muffled by a radio, and from a crack in the door they said they saw that he was always in the bed. Even though the couple claimed Kly was fed two hours previous to the incident, an unsubstantial meal of cookies on the night table was untouched, and the glass of juice was still “sweating,” as if it had just been poured.
The most appalling sight of the scene had to have been the body itself. Kly came to the inn weighing 102 pounds; when he pronounced dead, he was only 62, and a doctor said he could lift the body with one hand. A nurse said Kly looked like a skeleton with skin, and that he was so skinny one could see his backbone through his stomach. When Kly’s body was opened up for the autopsy, they found his organs had shrunk in size from working overtime, evidence suggesting he had starved to death, and it had been anything by painless.
When the doctor left and the police came back to the scene, the room had been freshly painted and cleaned. Also, when the body was sent elsewhere after the autopsy and reopened up, the organs were replaced with an average-sized heart and full stomach content. The stitching on the bags with the organs inside was different then what the doctor had used. It was also discovered that the couple also extorted $30,000 from Kly’s bank account during the course of two years. They were later found guilty.
Sometimes I really hate watching Wet Hot American Summer and its sequel First Day of Camp because I’m so jealous that I had absolutely nothing to do with any of it. Everyone involved clearly had such a good time and the whole project is just so fun and so LUDICROUS that I wish I was a part of it. (Either as an actor [although I’m a horrible actress; my most convincing role was probably Tiny Tim dying of AIDS in a deeply offensive take on Dickens’ A Christmas Carol) or as an actual camp counselor in the parallel reality where the movie is actually a documentary.)
Not only is WHAS a blast to watch, it has some real life lessons in there, such as the gems listed below. Use them liberally to shape yourself into a fine, upstanding citizen (or camp director or astrophysicist)!
Be hospitable. Although the campers you see are about to suck dick, nevertheless, please—welcome them.
Honesty is the best policy. If you want to smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass. Just be honest about it.
Good hygiene is important. You’re covered in dirt. Take a shower.
Make time for self-reflection. Take a break. Think about what you’ve done.
Think ahead. Any dungeon master worth his weight in gelding goes nowhere without his 20-sided die.
But most importantly, be prepared, be enthusiastic, and leave your bullshit attitude and baggage at the door ‘cause we don’t need it!
You are ready to be taught The New Way!
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Have a life lesson learned from WHAS (we’re on an intimate acronym-use basis now) you’d like to share? Please do in the comments below!
My friend told me that one year when she was giving out candy to trick-or-treaters, she opened the door to see a tween wearing no costume and thrusting out his candy sack to collect all the loot while he talked on a cell phone. In light of the evidence, it seems unlikely that the giddy, gleeful phrase “Trick or treat!!!” was not something that the adolescent uttered that evening.
My friend begrudgingly gave him candy anyway, but maybe she should’ve doled out one of the following horrible items instead!
(Note: Please remember these are BAD ideas. It is not advised to give out any of these suggestions to innocent Halloweeners.)
1. A cigarette-butt-filled ashtray
2. A syringe full of heroin and blood
3. A well-worn VHS copy of My Grandma is a Back-Door Slut!
4. A jar of liposuctioned fat
5. Your newborn baby
Secret bonus bad idea: Those horrifying religious pamphlets that are actually given out (Does anything kill the join of candy acquisition faster?)
To be fair, I’ve never actually seen a ghost. (I know, right—“BooOOooo!” on so many levels right now.) But I think I’ve had some ghostly encounters! Or maybe it’s just my overactive imagination. Read and decide!
The Brown Lady!
Growing up, I loved ghost stories, particularly the creepy real-life accounts documented in Daniel Cohen’s Encyclopedia of Ghosts. That book introduced me to The Brown Lady, a ghost of a woman in a brown dress who’d walk through the halls and turn to look at a frightened onlooker only to reveal that her eyes are empty sockets. As a kid, when I couldn’t fall back asleep at night, the only thing I could think to do was to mentally torture myself. The fuzzy darkness provided the perfect opportunity to imagine the Brown Lady drifting past the open door, pausing for just a moment to look over her shoulder at me with her no-eyes and give me a maniacal rictus grin. EIEEEE! Okay, so this is not a ghost story.
Ivan the Ouija Board Ghost!
In high school, my friend Gypsy and I were super into all the occult things that weird high school girls are into: tarot cards, spells, ghosts, and, of course, ouija boards. I remember a couple times sleeping over each other’s houses and us lighting candles and calling out to the spirits. (I would let her do the talking; I was too self-conscious.) And we both SWORE and SWORE and SWORE that we weren’t moving the thingie (the layman’s term for the planchette), which indicated that we got in touch with a spirit who introduced itself as Ivan. I don’t remember what messages Ivan had for us, but Gypsy and I agree that while we don’t think Ivan was an “evil” spirit per se, it wasn’t benevolent, kind, and wholly on our side. I do know I’ve never been able to replicate the same success with anyone else using a Ouija board. I like to believe this was all due to the combined magical powers of me and Gypsy.
A Seance in the Woods!
My junior year of high school was the last time I went legit trick-or-treating. I was accompanied by Gypsy and two other friends, one of whom was dressed as a handsome wizard. The other was dressed as a horse. (An elderly woman cracked open the door, saw him, and called out to her husband, “Look, honey, an Angus cow!”)
When the horse went home, Gypsy, the wizard, and I went into the woods near Gypsy’s house (i.e., the patch of trees surrounded by suburbia—we could still see the house lights flickering through the bare branches). We brought candles and other paranormal bric-a-brac and set everything up on a large flat stone, prepared to have a seance.
With each candle lit, it became more and more clear that we also should of brought me a little saucer of milk and a catnip mouse because I am a HUGE PUSSY! This was further illustrated when there was a sharp snap of twigs in the nearby woods and I leaped up, shrieked “JESUS CHRIST!” and bolted toward civilization, although I think my legs cycled a few times in mid-air first, like on Scooby Doo before Shaggy zips off with a PWING and “Zoinks!” But, anticlimactically, it turns out it was just a confused deer.
The seance was a blur (of fear!), but the three of us held hands, chanted, and heard a couple of raps in response to our questions. Ultimately, we decided that if we got in contact with anyone, it was Gypsy’s dad, who passed away when she was young. I have an internal war going on where I want to be important enough for someone to visit beyond the grave, yet I think if they did, I might hide under the blankets, poop my pants, and die of fright, in some order.
Hunt the Ghost Before It Hunts You!
In 2007, I took a night course about ghost hunting (and another about reincarnation and “mediumship,” but more on that another day). I wanted to see some ghosts! Except, as demonstrated in the previous anecdote, I don’t really. Our group went ghost hunting at an early-1800s-mansion-turned-house-museum in Hibernia County Park. When I first stepped in the house and in some rooms, I felt pretty dizzy for no good reason (possibly due to my own nerves and not from any actual supernatural influence). I took a photo of a ghostly orb—per books on ghost photography, they’re not to be confused with dust particles.
Then we went into the library with a pendulum to ask a ghost yes-or-no questions, and we learned that the ghost was part of the Civil War as a courier and had talked to Grant. That was pretty much all that happened, but maybe that’s all my subconscious really wanted to happen. I think I closed myself off to having a more intense experience out of fear of the unknown.
I sit on the balcony to my first apartment and it rains. The rain looks gold in the lamplight. Lightning flickers like a near-dead streetlight. The beer can leaves wet rings on the cement floor. A clamshell is my ashtray. I like when there’s a lot of ash and filters left; it feels like friends were here.
I started my new job today where I write motivational posters and a newsletter full of driving tips, but I’m a bad driver and can’t even motivate myself. My little toe wears a Band-Aid where my new shoes gave me blisters. Those shoes lie on the rug near my mail and coupons addressed to Occupant.
For a moment I think about writing in a journal but I don’t because I don’t have much to say. I smoke the last lucky cigarette and make a wish involving my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend but I think the only kind of lucky smoke wishes that come true are the ones where you hope for lung cancer. Everything gives you cancer these days—even deodorant, which is what I think about every time I put it on. Wishing gives you cancer.
I go inside and make myself a meal of hot dogs and cottage cheese but it doesn’t taste as good as it did when I was a kid and my mom made it for me. I can’t think of anything else to do that I even want to do, so I turn off all the lights except the one near the door—it’s a habit; my mom used to leave it on for my dad so he could see when he came home from work at night.
I sleep on top of the sheets because despite the rain I’m sticky with heat. I dab my pillowcases with my favorite men’s cologne and then lie down to the soundtrack of thunder. I turn on my side to look at the lightning out the window—it’s getting closer. In vain, I check the missed calls on my phone and think, So this is my new freedom.
I inherited my grandfather’s wooden spice rack with the latticed doors and the stoppered glass bottles inside. Instead of dried herbs, I filled them with poignant trinkets, added a label, and created what a friend once called “potions.” Some of them included:
Cessation (a dried rose)
Anxiety (a collection of pins and needles)
Luck (a heap of pennies)
Instant Fix (a Band-Aid)
Peace of Mind (worry dolls)
Godliness
(a moisty towelette, although it was in there for so long I can no longer attest to its moistiness)
Pixie Dust
(pale pink glitter I’d coerced my parents into buying for me when I was a kid and never found a more suitable use for; it was too good and too beautiful for just any old craft!)
Randomness (truly self-explanatory)
I also had a bottle labeled “The Message,” and on the inside was a curled piece of paper (deliberately browned for aged look!) belted with a small piece of twine (for some lost-at-sea authenticity!). I’d long since forgotten what I’d written on the paper, or even if I had written anything at all.
During an effort to declutter before I moved across the country, I decided to repurpose a couple of the bottles. The three to go were Pirate Treasure (a rainbow slew of acrylic rhinestones), EVIL (a child-sized Playmobil devil), and The Message. (It wasn’t even that long ago and yet I have no idea what I wound up doing with those three; those few weeks are now a messy, hurried rush of unaccounted time.) I opened The Message, feeling the paper I’d last touched more than ten years ago and wondering what super secret I’d written then.
It said:
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P.S. All the remaining potions found good homes with good friends.
P.P.S. Wouldn’t “The Potions” be a great band name?? Wait, apparently this is already a thing, but the upside is that I guess that makes me right. Anyway, follow HappiMess Media on Twitter for more band name inspiration as it springs to mind, as well as other this and that!
I try to stay on the bright side and enjoy the present, but man, I think about death a lot. (I suppose watching too much Law & Order: SVU and Forensic Files doesn’t help.) I once asked Honey Bear if he too thought of any of the crazy death-related things I think up, and he said no, which is just insane to me; I’ve never not had such paranoid ponderings.
In part, it’s hard come to turns with mortality, how one moment you’re here and then you’re gone for good, and leave absolutely everything and everyone behind to go on without you.
Once, I was asking a friend about the actual act of dying. I don’t know what it’s like, of course, but I can’t imagine not panicking, thinking, “Holy shit, I’m really DYING! THIS is it! This is THE THING!” And I thought of everyone who has ever died being so alone, and so I got all weepy-eyed, as I’m wont to do. Finality horrifies me.
But then about a half hour later I was out on my friend’s back porch, draping my sweater over my head so it looked like beautiful blue hair and positioning a leaf over the crotch of my pajama pants, saying, “Hello, I’m Eve.” It’s always either one extreme or the other.
And maybe that’s best. No, it doesn’t do any good to dwell on such inevitable matters, but it’s important to recognize the impermanence of it all so we can enjoy our present and all the seemingly unimportant goofiness that much more. (And remember to save marathon L&O viewings for the daytime!)
It was supposed to force me to go find another path that led to an elsewhere that was presumably better.
What happened was I just wound up sitting beside the ruins, uselessly yanking up handfuls of grass and thinking about how the bridge might magically rebuild itself one day.