The most frightening birthday I ever had was when I turned seven. I had a small party with some other first and second graders, and everything was going great until we busted out the game Operation. I don’t think I’d ever had such trauma inflicted upon my young emotions before. Fear hacked through me every time my tweezers nicked the metal sides while trying to retrieve my patient’s water on the knee, and the game would release that hateful you-disgraceful-fuckup alarm. I eventually ran away crying, unable to take the stress any longer.

Still, as far as birthday party entertainment goes, I’m sure it was a far superior experience than if any of the following entertainers had been present. Now I’m no expert on kids nor do I pretend to be; however, my intuition does suggest that the following would not go over well in any crowd, especially for the under-ten set:

The Grump. Shows up with a cigar dangling from his lip, flips the kids the bird, and then sulks in a trashcan for the rest of the night. Not to be confused with the birthday kid’s dad.

The Psycho. Chain-smokes and downs coffee and snorts cocaine, all at the same time. Teaches the kids a nice game of Run from the Knife-Wielding Maniac.

The Depressoid. Dresses similarly to the mime, but differs in that he has a “noose necklace” hanging around his neck, and the rest of the party is spent trying to coax him off the rooftop by telling him he has so much to live for.

The Ice Cream Lady. A birthday party entertainer who is made entirely from ice cream. Invites the kids to dine upon her. Screams when she is eaten.

The Vampire. Appears and reappears at random thanks to this magical cloak, most often when someone is using the toilet. Turns into a bat. Turns the rest of the children into the undead. The party winds up at the all-night buffet known as the blood drive.

Have a suggestion for a terrible birthday party entertainer, or perhaps you had a real-life encounter with one who was truly awful? Leave a note in the comments below!