(Originally aired September 19, 1994)
In this episode, Jessica yearns for Dakota Dancer, a “hot artist” who walks around with dead eyes and actually looks mildly retarded. She also wants to be the model for his painting, which will be unveiled at a Friday art opening before going on national tour. However, the position’s been filled by none other than uber-loser Enid Rollins. Ugh, I can’t even handle Enid these days; I never thought she was such a dorkus when I first read the books, but clearly I was young and foolish then. Anyway, I don’t know how Enid managed to get Dakota to appoint her his model when she can barely prevent herself from acting approximately seven years old all the time, but that’s the case.
Knowing that Dakota’s model will be immortalized, Jess attempts to seduce him in the art room, where he sits on a stool, stares for five minutes, and makes one lazy vertical line on the canvas. That’s the “artiste extraordinaire”? Oh God, why do I bother questioning this nonsense? Jess rubs herself all over him and offers to help him (because “creative men are so…creative”), and he thrusts a fistful of dirty paintbrushes in her direction and tells her to clean them. Enid runs in then and tells Dakota that his one line on the canvas is “amazing,” and he informs her that it’s a color test. Oh, Enid. I can’t even feel sorry for your lame ass at this point. You’re on your own, kid.
Dakota tells Enid to dress comfortable and arrive at the beach at noon for her modeling assignment, which Jess of course overhears. Jess later tells Enid that Dakota plans on painting her au naturel and the comfortable clothes are only necessary for her to “slip out of them easier.” This makes Dakota a “TOTAL PIG!” in Enid’s eyes and she boycotts him for the rest of the episode. Jess takes Enid’s place at the beach, which looks nothing like a beach—it’s a freaking lake, with maple trees and ducks hanging around. Jess strips down to a tiny nothingness of a leopard bikini that makes her boobs look like cannons and thus ensues an annoying montage of Jess posing like a ho. After they finish, Dakota won’t let Jess see the painting—always a good sign, right?
Jess comes to the art opening prepared with a speech and actually compares herself to the Mona Lisa. However, she’s not so cocky when the painting in unveiled and she’s naked in it. And, because Jess had talked a big fat game and insinuated that all sorts of whorish happenings occurred at the fake beach with Dakota (“Let’s just say the waves were crashing”), no one believes her that she didn’t pose naked and everyone whistles and leers at her. She goes crying to Liz, who then approaches Dakota with a secret tape recorder and gets him to admit that “Clothes are immaterial” (to which Todd responds when he hears, “I’m gonna kill that guy!” Of course.). Everyone then apologizes to Jess, even the guys, who probably don’t really give a damn.
But Jess isn’t through with Dakota. She lures him to the beach with promises of sex and a picnic, and suggests that they go skinny dipping. Dakota strips down to nothingness while Jess runs to the Jeep “for some towels,” and somehow doesn’t see Jess and the gang approach him, even though he’s in the midst of a big open space. Winston snaps some pictures of Dakota’s junk before Dakota covers himself with his Doc Martens, and the Wakefield twins threaten to show everyone the pics if he doesn’t pull the portrait out of the show. So Dakota sacrifices his art and paints a bikini on Jess, who looks beyond emaciated in the picture but everyone insists it’s “really beautiful.” Jess gives Dakota a roll of negatives, but keeps the real undeveloped film as “insurance” in case he tries to change the portrait back, then she and Liz have a merry laugh.
The secondary plot is that Winston Egbert is running around school, taking goofy pictures of everyone and posting them on the Graffiti Wall, a student-run bulletin board where the gang can post whatever they want. One of Winston’s targets is bald Mr. Cooper, and the picture is accompanied by the caption, “I’m not only the president of the Hair Club for Men, I’m also its biggest failure!” Mr. Cooper ain’t pleased and takes down the photo to Liz’s disapproval. (Todd asks, “Can he do that?” to which Liz replies, “Not if I can help it.” ::vom:: ) Liz writes a scathing story about her principal and censorship in the Oracle and when Cooper confronts her about it, she’s like, “It’s not your choice!” Because suddenly Liz is in charge of the school. However, she goes to apologize to him at the end of the episode, and he admits that he was the one who was wrong and that he’s going to hang his picture back up on the Graffiti Wall. Okay, the twins are all anti-censorship, but yet they censor Dakota’s work, right? Oh, but they had a good reason: That was them, not some lesser being like Principal Cooper. I see.
Other Notes:
- Dakota has some seriously shitty tattoos. And when he grins, it looks like he’s reveling in the feeling of his brain cells dying.
- I love Lila’s face when the painting in unveiled. It’s really something you must see for yourself,
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