“Photographic Evidence”

(Originally aired November 21, 1994)

In today’s episode, we will be viewing a visual interpretation of Regina’s Legacy, only without Regina, and without a legacy. Then again, Regina’s Legacy lacked those things too, so I won’t hold too big of a grudge against the show.

While looking like a limo driver in a porno (with an ascot!), Jess whips up a milkshake consisting of milk, a banana peel, an apple, and an egg shell and blathers on about stringing two poor bastards along. Liz, however, is too preoccupied with the newspaper when reading about how a woman saves seven people from something or other and frets about her own lack of super powers. This scene does nothing except serve as an instance of when Liz doesn’t have time for Jess’s “boy stories.”

Liz and Winston Egbert—who’s looking hotter and hotter every day—go to the lake to take pictures for Liz’s photo journalism class. A photography montage ensues! This means lots of shots of Liz and Winston holding their 35mm up to their faces with lots of “click click click” noises while that crappy band plays. The photos that are taken are blurry, uninteresting, and downright abysmal, but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you. Then Liz photographs a bald guy and a foxy guy stuffing a rich-looking fellow into the back of a van, and the bald guy gets all testy and so she and Winston high tail it out of there as the foxy guy observes her license plate number. (Please keep in mind that when I say “foxy guy,” I mean “the foxiest of the losers the casting agent was able to scrounge up.”)

Todd Wilkins watches the news with Liz while wearing a red cap backward and looking like a bigger douche than usual, but I’m digressing. Apparently, a key witness was kidnapped, and guess who Liz photographed being stuffed in the van! Meanwhile, the foxy guy—Chad—approaches Jess and she is so vain she pretends to know what he’s talking about re: wanting to see the picture “she” took, just so she can put her hands all over the butt of his high-waisted, junk-defining jeans.

The darkroom at school has been trashed by some mysterious ne’er do well and all of Liz’s pictures are ruined except for the one copy of The Photograph that she attempted to print and fucked up. But never fear! Winston’s computer performs a reality-defying act that allows him to scan in the image and “the computer fills in the missing information.” While this is going on, Jess is on a date gone bad with Chad, who points a gun at her at the Moon Beach Café and tells her he’s done messing around—he wants The Photograph! As he’s dragging her back to school, Manny the Mexican Boy is useful for the first time in his life when he identifies Chad in The Photograph as Jess’s new boyfriend. Oh noes!

At SVH, Chad is breaking into Liz’s locker while the gang hides around the corner, whispering over what they should do. Liz steps out with The Photograph to taunt the bad guy for some reason, and everything starts looking grim when Lila Fowler springs out and whacks him on the head with a fire extinguisher. Then two gay cops burst in anticlimactically, The Photograph makes the front page of the paper, and then what happens? Liz apologizes to Jessica for not taking the time to listen to her rambling on about which dude she was blowing now. For real real! Only in Sweet Valley.