“Dangerous Love” | HappiMess Media

(Originally aired September 5, 1994)

Catchy theme song, but I was super disappointed when the show initially came out. Liz and Jess look like porn stars trying to become serious actresses, and both of them wear mini skirts to school that practically reveal their va-jay-jays. Todd Wilkins is HORRID. He ain’t fine, he has too much neck, and the dude’s acting made me want to throw up. Bruce Patman looks alright, if not ten years older than what he should look. Enid Rollins has no fro and is an even bigger sad sack than she is in the book. Lila Fowler didn’t look anything like I thought she would; I expected a snobby, classy brunette, and instead got a wacky redhead who’s a total parody of a rich girl in Clueless or something. At any rate… Painful! However, the saving grace is the guy who plays Winston Egbert—he’s fiiiine and appears to be the only one with any acting talent. And these Patty and Manny characters are clearly only sad, half-hearted attempts to diversify the cast.

So the show opens up with—what the hell else?—a dance. For the first two minutes, all of the dialogue sounds super bitchy and sarcastic. Oh, why am I surprised? Liz is whining about fighting with Todd. Perhaps he’s mad because she told him that she was leaving him for a more exciting houseplant or something. Oh, no, wait—they’re at odds because he nominated her for homecoming queen, a title that Jessica is pining for; thus she’s exchanging hand jobs for votes. Liz is also P.O.ed that Todd is so controlling and blippity blop.

Scott Daniels strolls through the ballooned entrance looking about 40 years old, inciting Jessica’s lust, especially when she finds out he’s a college guy. Um, then why’s he at a high school dance with no date? ::shudder, shudder:: Anyway, they announce the nominees—which include Amy Sutton, who looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down—and Liz is chosen as homecoming queen! Winston is chosen as king, and he and Liz share a dirty, goofy dance together to a “royal tune.” Then Liz tries to talk to Todd and tell him there’s a problem, but he shuts down and stomps away. Scott Daniels approaches Liz then and asks her to dance/be her father figure, and Liz accepts, much to Jess’s horror.

The next day (or whenever), Liz is typing some crap in her online journal when Jess comes in, craving a Wonderbra for her already torpedo-like tits. Scott calls Liz for a date and Jess urges her to go for it, reminding Liz that Todd blew her off, and Liz agrees. At school, Enid talks to Liz about the “Eyes and Ears” column and wants to know who writes it, but Liz claims the she hasn’t the foggiest. (You know the drill: The writer of the column gets thrown in the school pool fully clothed if his/her identity is revealed.) Enid then flips on her Totally Pathetic Switch and whines about how she wants to be in the “E&E” column and that if she doesn’t get a boyfriend soon, she’s going to take out a personal ad. Ugh, Enid! Quit making me hate your lame ass. Liz and Todd bump into each other in the hallway and Todd apologizes… for not dancing with her. Liz is all “NOES that’s not what I meant!” and says she’s going out with Scott, so Todd stomps away again.

Jess pretends to be Liz and calls Scott, and then smirks evilly as she takes over Liz’s Friday night date. She makes Liz wear a bright red blazer over a moss-green dress and tells her she looks great (LIES ALL LIES), and then she meets Scott at his frat house and requests a diet cola. Shockingly, Scott doesn’t even attempt to dump GHB in her drink. Then again, this was airing on Nickelodeon, so I ain’t that surprised, just annoyed.

Liz is stood up at the Wakefield residence where, as you’ll soon discover should you choose to pursue watching the show, only they live – Ned and Alice have vanished into the abyss of bad parenting. Liz goes for a walk and—HARK!—discovers Todd staring longingly at the tree in which he carved their names. She tells him that she hates when he makes all her decisions for her, and he’s all, “But I thought we were a team!” and she says, “This is not a game, Todd! This is us.” Oh, dialogue. To make an already long story short, they exchange “I love you’s” and promptly make out. They go to the Moon Beach Café (formerly known as the Dairi Burger), where Lila has just finished informing the gang that Liz writes the “E&E” column. Liz tells everyone Scott stood her up, and Enid says, “He wasn’t right for you anyway. Can I have his number?” ::slaps forehead then slaps Enid:: Some drunk college kids roll up to Liz and try to start a conversation (or something) about the awesomeness of Scott’s frat party, and that’s when it clicks in Liz’s head that Jess stole her date.

Meanwhile, Jess is dancing like a stripper and Scott is her pole, which naturally arouses ol’ Scott. He’s all, “I can’t believe you’re only sixteen.” Neither can we, dude. Then he tries to feel up her boobs, but she dumps rum on his head and runs out. Todd and Elizabeth drive up to the frat house in the twins’ red Jeep (goodbye, Fiat) just as Jess comes outside and tells them tearfully what happened, to which Todd replies, “I’m gonna kill that guy!” Get used to it; he says macho shit like that ALL THE TIME.

Later that night, Jess apologizes to Liz and says, “I did it for you!” and “You and Todd wouldn’t be together right now [if it weren’t for me]”, to which Liz responds, “You know, I never thought of it that way.” PLZ. But Liz and Todd get back at her by arranging it so everyone thinks Jess is Liz (again!) and thus Jess gets tossed in the pool for being the “E&E” writer. Those scamps!

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