(Originally aired September 26, 1994)
Here’s another instance—in live action this time!—where Jess is a total douche to everyone in her life. Oh, but would we expect anything less?
There’s a rumor zipping around the Moon Beach Café about how Bruce Patman’s uncle, a famous director or producer or whatever, is casting in Sweet Valley for his next big movie. Jessica and Lila Fowler immediately drape themselves all over Bruce, telling him to bring his uncle to the school’s production of Macbeth, in which Jess is Lady Macbeth and Lila is Witch #3 (“Typecasting?” Bruce asks Lila with smug glee).
Jess is sure that she’ll get cast in the movie (of course), so she pulls a couple of Pearl Jam tickets out of her ass and presents them to Steven, a floppy-haired total babe wearing a leather choker. Steven was supposed to review the play for the Oracle, but with him at the concert, that leaves Liz to do it, and Jess is positive that she’ll get glowing reviews on her performance with Liz behind the pen. Jess then seduces an AV geek using her porn star voice and tells him to deliver a photograph of her in her bikini along with the review to Bruce’s uncle, and promises him an autographed photo of herself. My God.
The play—which includes dialogue such as “Oucheth. That hurteth.”—is nothing short of ridonc, of course. Jess stands in front of her co-stars and overacts with her hand pressed dramatically to her forehead. It’s hard to say whether she’s legitimately acting or if she doesn’t give a shit. She flirts with the audience members in the middle of a monologue, for God’s sake. Cue that wacky montage of Jess fucking up the play!
However, Jess is in for a sore surprise—Liz maintained her journalistic integrity and wrote that the role of Lady Macbeth was “over-performed and loosely interpreted,” a “nice” way of putting the truth. Jess declares that her film career is over because of Liz and, in a fit of brattiness, tears up the photo of her bikini that the AV geek asks her to sign. (He’s unfazed. He simply shrugs and says, “Hmm, wallet-sized!”)
Lila delivers the review to Bruce’s uncle herself and lands herself a role (in a commercial), much to Jessica’s dismay. What I love is how Lila calls Jess out on her shit when Jess says what she did was “tacky”: She brings up Jess’s 8”x10” bikini glossy and asks, “Would you consider that more tacky, less tacky, or about the same?” Suck it, Wakefield.
Liz feels guilty about the whole shebang so she goes to talk to Bruce’s uncle on the set on Jess’s behalf and winds up getting Jess a part in the same commercial that Lila’s in. However, before she can tell Jess this, Jess is busy ensuring her spot in hell by moving a “Wet Floor” sign at the café, causing Lila to slip and potentially die. Without even pretending to care if her “best friend” is okay or not, Jess simply fellates a cherry and skips out the door. She doesn’t even feel guilty when Liz tells her that she got her a role.
So the whole gang is on the set for reasons unbeknownst to me, considering Bruce is supposed to think he’s 1,800 times better than they all are. Anyway, Jess acts like a jerk to the on-set hair stylist and Lila shows up on a sprained ankle. Jess kindly volunteers to step in for Lila’s role, and Bruce’s uncle decides that the girls will switch roles. This means that Lila gets to sit and pretend to enjoy a bowl of tomato soup while Jess dances around in a tomato costume. Lemons fall on her head and everyone laughs at her. Yeah, that’s the equivalent to giving someone a sprained ankle. She really got what was coming to her or whatever.
Leave a Reply
Be the first to comment!