(Originally aired November 28, 1994)
Hooray! One of my favorite Bruce Patman/Jessica Wakefield Brat Offs, massacred!
Chrome Dome’s car alarm is blasting through the parking lot as he comes teetering out, and then Jell-O explodes all over it from a precariously hanging garbage bag above. There’s a love note from Club X accompanying the mess, and Chrome Dome just mutters, “I should’ve known.” Huh? If you should’ve known, why don’t you get some Rogain and thus some confidence to actually run your school properly? Perhaps that was a bit harsh, even though he is a total fucking moron. I’m sorry, Principal Cooper.
Jess is all a-twitter at the thought of joining Club X (“I can’t wait to do something bad!”), even though Bruce sneers that it’s guys only. Still, she wrangles herself an invite to the secret meeting at an abandoned warehouse, where the dudes are wearing masks of dead presidents and acting all Masonic. Jess’s first task is to steal a car, and she reaches into Bruce’s windbreaker (paired nicely with a pair of crisp white tennis shorts cut up to high heaven) to filch his keys and, ultimately, his Porsche. “That’s a new clutch!” he wails. Oh, Bruce.
Miss Wakefield’s next task, so spake The Wheel of Misfortune, is to put dish liquid in the new school fountain, which she does, dressed like a beekeeper. Then she’s almost caught by Chrome Dome! After a stint with knowing exactly how the school’s sprinkler system works, Jess manages to distract Chrome Dome for awhile as she stuffs her entire outfit in the trash can—alas, her wet sneakers give her away in the hall, where she dumped the dish liquid and risked a giant lawsuit.
Now fated to detention, Jess, alone in the warehouse, gives the Wheel of Misfortune a few begrudging turns, only to find Bruce had sneaked a magnet under her name. That wily Bruce! She moves the magnet to beneath his name, and at the next meeting suggests that during halftime at The Next Big Game, the chosen Club Xer will skydive into the stadium with the club’s banner. Of course, Bruce is the one to make the leap, but at the last moment, Jess phones the skydiving company to “change drop coordinates.” Like Jess knows what drop coordinates are. Nevertheless, Bruce lands not in the stadium but in Chrome Dome’s car (while squealing excitedly “I’ll make the paper! And the six o’clock news… It’ll be the movie of the week!”). Way to go, slugger.
Meanwhile, Todd Wilkins is acting like an annoying turd because he’s won a lot of money by hustling suckers in basketball, and now he’s blowing off Liz and Winston Egbert. Not Winston! When Todd snaps, “If you all have such a problem with the way I am, maybe you should leave me alone,” Winston and Liz vow to teach Todd a lesson—by landing him a one-on-one game with Kurt Rambis from The Lakers, who rips Todd a new one and reminds Todd “it is just a game. Don’t forget what’s really important.” The more you know, star.
The best news about this episode: NO MONTAGE! Actually, I enjoy myself a good montage, so let me rephrase: NO CRAPPY MONTAGE!
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