As you know, I like to inflict the artistic endeavors of my childhood on my Bear o’ Honey (and you, dear readers!). This week I present to you Big Magic!, a fairy tale I wrote in second grade during Enchanted Castle Week, which, let’s be honest, we adults all need in our lives, like, stat. This was five glorious school days devoted to building a classroom-sized castle out of cardboard and writing fairy tales of our own, which we then acted out for the rest of the class. I forget the premise of our play, but how can I remember when the magic of this story is SO BIG?!

“So big the magic could hardly be contained on the page.” — a real-life review from the ol’ Bear

Big Magic!

See? Magic so big it ripped the cover!

Why “Tiffin Books”? Well, I really can’t say, because I just don’t know.

Am I throwing some third-grade shade here?

Once upon a time, two children, Chrissy and Bob, went walking. They found an old mansion. [Chrissy and Bob, the most fairy-tale-ish names my eight-year-old brain could conjure up.]

The children knocked at the door. [For what reason?] A beautiful maid answered the door.

“UHHHG!” she yelled and drew back. “I hate kids. Go away.”

UH? Why would anyone not like kids? [Let’s see, because they’ve met them? Why are we wondering about this when there’s such ample cleavage before us?]

“Did you know you once were a kid?” asked Bob.

“UHHHHHG! There you go, you little creeps!” [Bob, always mouthin’ off.]

And after that curse on the children, she turned them into frods and dropped them into the pond. [Is this the villain? This is the reaction I have when strangers knock at my door unannounced.]

After a year [yes, that’s 365 days later], the mother was worried so she asked a knight to help. [Mother’s looking a bit thirsty with her hand on that knight’s bicep.]

Then the mom and knight looked over and saw the witch with the kids as frogs. [Convenient! What is happening to Mother in this picture?! She’s liquefying! She’s inflating! I’m just not sure but it doesn’t seem good!]

“Hey, I recognize the voices. They’re my babies!” said the mom. [Are you sure, lady? I mean, it took you a year to even really notice they were gone.]

The knight came and held [the witch] up while the mom changed the kids back to humans. [Best wrap this up—any longer and we might witness the witch divest herself of her sexy French Maid getup and do a nude ritualistic dance around that fire, and Mrs. McCarthy might not stand for such things.]