Barbie and the Rockers: Out of This World and Rockin’ Back to Earth (later combined into one masterpiece) was Mattel’s response to Jem and the Holograms. Now while I would love a pair of magical earrings to phone home to Synergy, I am not so much a Jem fan; the Misfits’ hatred for the do-gooding Holograms exhausts me and there’s not enough of anyone making out with Rio happening on that show.
But when it comes to Barbie and the Rockers, words cannot express how much I adore this stupid movie! My mom taped it off the TV onto a VHS circa 1989, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched it in the past several years alone, AS AN ADULT, but it’s a relatively high number. There is no logic behind my fandom—overall, the movie is trite, well-worn territory with no real conflict or rich, complex characters or even any semblance of a plot, and yet. I wish I was watching it all the time. Even when I AM watching it, I wish I was watching it, because I’m sad that in watching it, I have nothing to look forward to watching.
The plot: Barbie, the first ambassador for world peace (everyone always laughs at that), has a literal band of lackeys named The Rockers: Dana [the Asian], Dee Dee [the black chick], Diva [the Valley girl], Derek [the brown-haired boy], and of course KEN!
The Rockers rocket into space in a hot pink space shuttle in the late ‘80s to perform a concert on a flower-shaped space station. Just typing all that hurt so good.
On the return trip, the Rockers’ music opens up an intergalactic vortex (they are too busy rockin’ out to notice at first), and they accidentally wind up going back to 1959 and, to no one’s surprise, become sensations/legends/gods then as well.
This, however, does not affect the future at all when—spoiler alert—they eventually arrive back in their own time, even though Barbie and the gang left the ’50s in their space shuttle mid-concert (screwing over fans who probably shelled out four dollars for a ticket).
I think that I found this movie so appealing as a kid because
A. Barbie is gorgeous. Her eyelids are the most perfect shade of blue one could ever ask for.
B. EVERYONE loves Barbie. Like, seriously, everyone. Every single nation tunes in to watch her special concert broadcast. A pan of the crowd reveals people of all different ethnic backgrounds. She is so awesome that not only is she worshiped in the ’80s, but as demonstrated, she can travel back in time (which is awesome in its own right) and be JUST AS AWESOME. There is no failing if you’re Barbie; everything you do is cool. As a kid, I really wanted to be groundbreaking, universally liked, and THE BEST, and I’m not sure whether I wanted to achieve all that BECAUSE I watched this or if I’d always hoped that that’d be the case, but this movie surely fed that desire, affecting me on a deep, psychological level!
C. Barbie defined the appealing qualities that fame had to offer during a time when my response to “What do you want to be when you grow up?” was “famous.” Of course, now the bar is obscenely high, and I don’t think I’ll be satisfied with any notoriety I may achieve unless I go triple platinum for being catchy as hell, blast off into space to play a concert for world peace, go back in time thirty years, and make everyone love me then too, and finally return home just in time for a welcome-back concert. This is the only way I’ll know if I’ve truly made it!
Have I sparked your interest? Do you now want to see this movie? You’ll probably be very sorry you ever did. Still, here’s a list of notable notes from the flick that you can use as a Cliff Notes version to skip the movie altogether or use it as a reference guide when you view it on Youtube! Thanks, Internet!
- Barbie primarily performs covers—but they are the best covers ever! When I was a kid, I didn’t know the lyrics, so when I’d “sing” the songs, I’d just make up sounds and words that sounded like what I heard. In my mind, I got my musical point across. I wish some of those songs were a whole day long. In fact, I’m so addicted to the feelings of joy and nostalgia I get from these stupid songs that when I found the movie on YouTube, I used it to create my own Barbie and the Rockers soundtrack! This is how crazy I am!
- Maybe I’m reading into things, but Derek and Ken seem to have some kind of connection going on other than just being the only dudes in the band. They have lots of poignant moments together. A sexually charged BOING! of interest passes between them, even. Conversely, when Ken is excited for Barbie, he initiates nothing indicating that she’s his long-time girlfriend/love of his life, but rather a round of patty cake. Ken, you romantic fool!
- For someone who’s been appointed the first ambassador of world peace and notorious for being kind and benevolent, Barbie is wildly thoughtless! She didn’t even consult the Rockers pre-intergalactic flight. They only found out about this madness when Barbie, at a ball held in her honor, interrupted the conductor and the symphony mid-song to announce the plan, and Ken, hearing this for the first time, was all, “Whu-whu-WHUUHH?” You’d think that the decision of whether to go into space would be one worth discussing, but not so.
- Furthermore, when she and the band land in 1959, the ten-year-old kid whom they meet asks who they are, and she’s like, “I’m Barbie! And these are the Rockers!” They’re from Planet Introduce-Your-Friends, Barbie! They have names, you know, and 80 percent of them begin with “D.” Douche.
- But really, B&tR makes me realize how complicated the theory of time is. Is she trapped in a time loop, forever? Does that explain why history isn’t forever changed because of her fame?
Loyal readers, you must now see this for yourselves and provide your own insights! Make it bearable by pretending that the movie is the final episode of “Battlestar Galactica” and Barbie is Caprica 6 and the flower space station the Rockers play on is really a Cylon bay ship. In any case, I eagerly await your thoughts!
Question of the Week: What were you OBSESSED WITH as a kid? How do you feel about it today?
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