Artistic Liecense 004: Duccio. “Christ Entering Jerusalem,” from the back of the Maestà Altarpiece. 1308-1311

Duccio. Christ Entering Jerusalem, from the back of the Maestà Altarpiece. 1308-1311.

Last year marked the last time that Dirk Arena would ever be upstaged at an awards show by anyone, especially not any Kardashian and her husband. To this he swore a vow. He was no fledgling to show business, after all; he’d done some things—good things, quality things. He’d been nominated for an Oscar for his riveting work in The Movie about the Guy and Whatever. He’d done stand-up, opening for Joan Rivers once, and had cut a duet with David Hasselhoff. He was also no stranger to philanthropy; he’d poured millions into stitching up that hole in the ozone and donating the leftovers from his catered events to homeless shelters.

The problem was that everyone forgot about all this. Now all he was known for was The Guy Kanye Slapped for Stepping on the Back of His Sneaker on the Golden Globes Red Carpet.

It had been an accident, for Christ’s sake! But there was no convincing Mr. West.

But this year’s Globes would be different. Dirk Arena wanted to call attention to his latest charitable efforts: finding loving homes for the poor, oppressed mules that were forced to carry tourists up and down the Grand Canyon. He had three himself roaming his backyard, and although he couldn’t bear to go near the filthy creatures, he loved them like he would his children, if he had any. It was time to put the Sneaker Incident to bed, and bring the asses to the forefront.

That’s why Dirk Arena strolled up the red carpet the night of the Golden Globes, all smiles atop Picnic, a plodding, grotesque donkey that smelt of hay and hoof-stomped poop. He waved and beamed, basking in the paparazzi’s love as he neared the entrance. Finally, some recognition for his work! The valets looked confused and pissed. But they were not as confused and pissed as the shrill voice shrieking behind him.

“That donkey just shat on me!”

Dirk Arena winced as the paparazzi’s attention swiveled to Picnic’s behind and a belligerent Kanye West wearing shoes twinkling with excrement. This was not going exactly as planned. In fact, as Kanye’s yelling increased in volume, one could even say it was a terrible, terrible idea.

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