* Photo credit to The Closet *
Jess looks as though she’s in mid-burp and Liz looks like she’s been singing “I Honestly Love You” again they stand with looks of mock fear in front of the Bates Hotel. Where’s the lightning streaking across the sky? That’s all this cover is missing.
OMG: the twins are still working at the fucking newspaper! It’s been like three years! They chat about who they want to win for Sweet Valley mayor: local politician Robinson (Liz’s choice) or handsome, shady businessman Kincaid (Jess’s pick). I like it when they chat about sexy high school boys better.
Liz invites Nicholas Morrow to the Sweet Valley News’s annual summer picnic because all of a sudden he needs cheering up now that Regina’s been dead for a billion books now. Anyway, Nicholas Morrow is a total downer at the picnic and the twins are like, “Why’d we bring this killjoy?” Nevertheless, Liz follows him as he trespasses on the lawn of “Bayview House,” where he finds Barbara, and Elizabeth “had never seen anyone as beautiful in her whole life.” Naturally. Nicholas Morrow totally gets a boner for Barbara while she tells them her entire life story—something about the mysterious cliff-fall death of her grandmother (Barbara I), her parents (who are unreachable in the event of an emergency because they’re “doing research on a Greek island”—how convenient!), and now she’s staying with her sadistic uncle John, who’s not really her uncle at all. Oh, good, something new for Liz to worry about!
The next morning, Nicholas Morrow meets with Barbara II’s “uncle,” who slams the door in Nicholas Morrow’s face so that’s how you know he’s a bad person! Nicholas Morrow’s about to leave “practically crying” until he finds Barbara II in the woods looking as though she’s “something out of a beautiful impressionistic painting” and then later, “Her dress shone like silver in the twilight. And she had flowers in her hair.” Oh, psh. They agree to meet in secret to avoid inciting her “uncle.” (“Uncle” in quotes is so wrong and dirty.) And who does he bring along on these secret dates? I can’t even bear to say their names. I already want this book to be over.
Nicholas Morrow starts getting threatening notes on his car windshield, but that doesn’t stop him from asking Barbara II to sneak away from Bayview House to have dinner with him. While they’re out, Nicholas Morrow notices that the Jaguar that parks at Barbara’s place is in the restaurant parking lot. And they go in to eat anyway! Dumbasses.
Paul Lazarow, the dead artist Jess is covering for the paper, painted pictures of scenes from the dilapidated house—and of Barbara and her stupid dog in 1948. Huh? Who what how when why? (We know where.) Let me try to make sense of this convoluted plot. Barbara II looks exactly like her murdered grandmother Barbara I and even has the same name and birthday as her (W…TF), and her grandmother was drowned on their birthday. Kincaid was one of Lazarow’s students at his artists’ colony, and he was brought in for questioning when Barbara I, daughter of Paul Lazarow, was offed once upon a time. And it turns out Uncle John and Kincaid are brothers. For Christ’s sake, I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.
Nicholas Morrow and the twins (sounds like a sweet threesome) go to Barbara II’s house on her birthday (without the cops, naturally!) to rescue her when Liz randomly sprains her ankle and “Uncle” John catches her. He goes Scooby Doo and confesses that he’s holding Barbara II hostage because Kincaid cheated him out of a million dollars, so he’s using Barbara II as a “ghost” to screw with Kincaid’s head and make him go insane. WHAAA? Please, story, be over soon! Then “Uncle” John pistol whips Liz and it’s awesome. (She gets a lot of head wounds during her stint as an intern!) Meanwhile, Nicholas and Jessica are about to witness Kincaid fling Barbara II over the cliffs into the stormy sea. But they save her while Kincaid falls to his doom—now they just have to worry about rescuing Liz! Is that really necessary? They do it anyway, and then they call the cops, who end up hauling “Uncle” John in after trying to escape to Mexico. Did the ghostwriters write this while laughing? For God’s sake, I hope so.
The twins are allowed to sit in on “Uncle” John’s confession—of course—and he reveals that his brother was in lurve with Barbara I but she was in love with his rival, another painter (Barbara II’s grandpa!), so he killed Barbara I on her birthday. Bwa. So he wanted to torture his brother by dressing Barbara II up in her grandmother’s clothes and having her walk back and forth near the cliffs, pretending to be a ghost. I’m dying. Barbara II goes to see her grandfather—Barbara I’s secret husband, who went insane with grief when she died—and he goes to live with her and her family in Switzerland. Before she goes, Nicholas Morrow gives her a locket engraved with their entwining initials, and the twins get their picture on the front page of the paper for being heroes. God.
Other Notes:
- Steven’s friend Adam Maitland is still staying with the Wakefields, and even though technically his fiancée was just murdered, he’s happily playing tennis, while Nicholas Morrow can barely dress himself in the morning over Regina, who’s been dead for a hundred years already.
- Barbara II’s parents met “Uncle” John exactly once before agreeing to ship their young daughter out to California to be with him for a whole summer. Crappy parenting alert!
- So Barbara is from Switzerland, where Regina had her hearing treatments done. He should’ve asked if she ever met his sister! After all, if Todd Wilkins and Suzanne Devlin could both randomly meet in New England…
- This was probably the most ludicrous SVH story I’ve ever read. Sincerely! Well, I mean, until the next one, probably.
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