* Photo credit to Shannon’s Sweet Valley High Blog *
Lila’s complaining how boring summer vacation is (even though this book came out in December ’89), especially when Daddy Fowler’s been cracking down on her shopping expenses. Could this have something to do with Daddy’s new girlfriend, the “very glamorous” Joan Borden, whom he’s been taking to the movies? I think YES! Of course Lila—our classic Electra complex lil’ lady—is pissed Daddy’s seeing someone, so she tries to avoid Joan and gripes about her at every chance.
Her summer starts to look up when she spills soda all over some fine dude named Evan Armstrong at a concert, but Jess fills her in that he’s dating some nobody named Sonia Bentley, who’s short and a bad cheerleader, i.e., a waste of life. You wouldn’t believe how often the girls shun this couple because Sonia is sooooooo short. Actually, you probably would. Jess tells Lila that Sonia had a thing for Bruce Patman once upon a time and it made Evan crazy, so Lila pushes aside her pride and longstanding rivalry to call in a favor with B.P. and asks him if it’d be a problem if he seduces Sonia away from Evan, to which B.P. replies, straight-faced, “Why should it be? The guy can’t possibly be as great as I am!” Oh, Bruce, you hoot.
But Bruce is all into Lila’s plan: “I like being the knight in shining armor who clears the way for your big romance.” I’m oddly feeling attracted to B.P. right now, especially after he cancels his tennis match to help Lila and Jess scheme. Why is that sort of hot?! He promises to help Lila, but only if she promises to repay his kindness in the future. Doom! B.P. is true to his word at Winston and Aaron’s party, and pleads with Sonia to dance with him in a voice that’s “electric with emotion”—how could she resist? Evan storms out of the party, all sorts of pissed off, and Lila corners him and minutes later he’s inviting her to watch him drag race. Suddenly, Lila’s admitting that she’s in love. These teens are moronic.
Joan and her sickeningly sweet teenage daughter Jacqueline are hanging around the mansion more and more frequently, but Lila escapes them to go spend time with Evan and watch him race. The second she reaches the speedway, she decides that “race cars were the most romantic, exciting things in the world.” Jesus, send Lila Fowler, of all people, to a romantic NASCAR race and then get back to me on that. Lila fantasizes about her and Evan getting married and “hanging out in Monaco and Italy and just being rich and famous together,” which actually sounds like a fantasy that I have frequently.
But while Lila’s love life flourishes, her situation at home gets increasingly worse. Joan and Jacqueline have all but moved in completely, and Jacqueline’s always parading around in Lila’s bathrobes and bathing suits, and Daddy F is constantly insisting that Lila take Jacqueline out with her. When Jacqueline accompanies Lila to the beach, she charms all of her friends, even Jess, and thus no one believes Lila when she insists that J-Squared just ain’t right. When Lila laments this to Evan, he barely pays any attention, too lost in the sad fact that he needs to shell out $500 to be in The Big Race. But where will he get this money?
Lila, fearing that she’s losing Evan forever because of his one night of preoccupation, decides to break into Daddy’s petty cash drawer to get the money for Evan (who gives her an I.O.U. in return) and blame it on Jacqueline. She then plants the key to the drawer and one of her necklaces that Jacqueline had been admiring in Jacqueline’s room. But ohnoes! Joan takes it upon herself to reupholster a chair in the mansion and conveniently doesn’t have the cash to pay for it, so Daddy goes to get the money out of the petty cash box, and although he finds the money gone, the key is on his desk and the necklace is back in Lila’s room. Whowhatwherewhenwhy(how)?
More hell ensues when Daddy and Joan take a business trip to Hawaii and lave Jacqueline and Lila alone. Jacqueline naturally pulls a Suzanne Devlin and morphs into a total bitchoid, using all of Lila’s shit (like her Triumph! NEVER!) and treating Lila with “a mixture of amusement and contempt.” Lila attempts to get her mind off these awful shenanigans by meeting up with B.Patman, who wants to cash in the favor she owes him. He wants her to ensure that Evan drops out of The Big Race because he has a big bet riding on the other driver, Toby Clement. Ah, Bruce is so Bruce in this story.
Things further unravel when Daddy and Joan announcement their engagement and wedding. Surprise…to no one. Lila insists Evan be at the engagement party the night of The Big Race and he attends, only to meet Jacqueline, and of course Lila overhears them talking later on about how they’re sooooooo in love and Evan feeds Jacqueline some bull about how Lila never cared about his racing and blah blah. AND! She also overhears a conversation between J-Squared that reveals them as “phony fortune-hunters.” When she tries telling Daddy the truth, he of course doesn’t believe her. Come on, Lila! Stick it to those bitches! I think I hate suspense—even contrived suspense. I need to read more boring books.
On the day of the wedding, Lila suddenly becomes an audio equipment genius and hides microphones around the sun room, and it is there where she goads J-Squared into a confession about them being lying gold diggers. Of course, the 300+ guests all hear them, and Daddy tells ‘em to get ta steppin’ and changes the wedding to a “spur-of-the-moment party for Lila.” Everyone cheers! When Evan approaches Lila, Lila introduces him to her dad and tells Daddy how Evan borrowed the $500 from Jacqueline but he signed an I.O.U. to pay it back, thus screwing Evan. Har har, dude!
What I really like about this book is that Lila doesn’t become all good and take the high road. To make matters more delicious, Bruce came with Toby Clement, who is super hot (natch) and won the race because Evan dropped out, and Lila isn’t above rubbing the whole thing in Evan’s face. Ah, justice.
Other Notes:
- Lila lives in a Spanish-styled mansion, Olivia lives in a Spanish-styled house, the Wakefields have the Spanish-styled kitchen—what the hell is not Spanish-styled in Sweet Valley?
- Gag—we’re told (not surprisingly) that the twins “embodied California beauty.” Howevs, the Fowlers’ back patio is also described as the “quintessence of California beauty,” so I feel all right that the twins are as hot as a patio. Yes, that’s how I shall choose to interpret it.
- At one point, Lila wears white designer jeans and a mauve suede vest over a white T-shirt. Even back when I was in seventh grade or so and wore my brother’s clothes to school, I would read outfit descriptions such as these and try to imagine how the clothes would ever look good on anyone.
- Jess squeals, “I haven’t danced in ages!” I suppose when you have a school dance bi-nightly, life can get rough during summer vacation.
- Daddy F. and Joan go to the Beach Disco. Why is this fantastically rich middle-aged movie-star-look-alike taking his classy-ass date to teen hangouts in Sweet Valley?
- Winston calls B.P., “Thatman Patman”. Urgh.
- When Lila gives Evan the money, she thinks, “She had him now. He would never, ever be able to let go.” She’s so classic.
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