* Photo credit to The Closet *
I’m not feeling her hair pulled back. I demand the return of the fro!
It’s the hundredth Christmas for the sixteen-year-olds at SVH, and Enid Rollins is in an awesome mood. She’s going to see her dad for Christmas Eve, and she gets her BFF Liz Wakefield allll to herself since Liz’s boyfriend, Todd Wilkins, will be in Utah for the holidays. Can life possibly get better?
Well, yes, frankly. Enid’s home life blows. She hates her mom for pitting her against her dad, whom Enid defends even though he’s an alcoholic. To further stress that point, she goes to meet her pops for Christmas Eve and he’s drunk at the hotel bar before noon. She gets upset, and he says, “You should know that there’s nothing wrong with having a couple. Besides, I remember you used to do a little drinking yourself.” Ah, Daddy, you’re a peach. Enid goes home and is like, “Mom, this is all your fault!!!1” Girl, wake up and smell Hemmingway’s cough syrup on Daddy’s breath.
But none of that matters, because “having Elizabeth Wakefield for a best friend made up for a whole lot of unhappiness.” Actually, though, Liz is a garbage human being. The moment Enid goes to the annual high school skating party with her secret crush, Jeffrey French (the boy Liz dumped for Todd), Liz decides she’s in love with Jeffrey again. This realization dawns because 1) Todd’s away and 2) Enid wants him. And Jeffrey obviously still pines for Liz, because who could ever get over the pain of losing a Wakefield? So Liz bakes cookies “just for [him]” and brings them over to his house like a self-centered tool, and for once Enid actually gets pissed at Liz! She even thinks all sorts of rational thoughts, such as “why Elizabeth would want to encourage Jeffrey when she claimed to love Todd?” RIGHT?!
Along comes Brian Saunders to distract Enid for the mess that is her life. He’s a good-looking guy (natch) from her druggie days who is sweet, completely charming, and actually romantically interested in Enid. Thus, he’s just what she needs to get over Jeffrey and her drunk dad.
Even though he swears he’s a changed man who’s cleaned up his act, Brian takes them to a smoky, boozy party where he gets wasted in two seconds flat. Enid’s pissed at him, but she’s even more pissed at Jeffrey for still being obsessed with Liz, so she agrees to go with Brian to Miller’s Point, where THEY TOTALLY GET BAKED! Yes, a main character swigs bourbon and tokes up on “the finest Columbian weed.” They babble like jackasses and it’s basically the most realistic thing I’ve ever seen in an SVH book. Here, an excerpt as they try to remember the twelve days of Christmas:
He held the bottle aloft to a toast. “On the first day of Christmas, my toor love said to me—”
“Toor love?” Enic cut in, smiling. “That’s not right.”
“It’s true love,” Brian said in a serious voice, enunciating carefully. “True love. That’s very important in this life.”
Enid struggled to sit up straight and began to sing. “On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a bear tree.”
“No!” Brian started laughing. “Wait a second. It’s not—”
“Bear tree.” Enid giggled. “Don’t you know what a bear tree is? It’s a tree with bears in it.”
“OK, OK,” Brian said. “On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two—two—what is it?”
Enid shrugged. “I don’t know. Oh! Turtle, I mean turldoves. Turtledoves.” …
“That’s wrong,” Brian said, a big smile on his face. “It’s turtledives. That’s like a cannonball.”
But wait! Put down the drugs, guys—there are consequences afoot! Who should see them smoke-boxing the shit out of that car but Jessica Wakefield and her date. Giddy at the prospect of gossip, Jess makes a beeline for George Warren and Robin Wilson’s Christmas party and announces that Enid’s obliterated. But instead of reveling in seediness of it all, everyone’s actually furious at Jessica for leaving Enid there. Then she’s all contrite. Pff.
Meanwhile, Enid and Brian have retired from Miller’s Point. Instead, Brian drives around drunk like everyone who imbibes in Sweet Valley does. To no one’s surprise, he ends up in a car wreck, because anyone who drinks or smokes must suffer horrific repercussions! No one in these book is allowed to get stoned, eat a bag of Oreos, and safely fall asleep in front of Netflix whilst covered in crumbs.
As it loves to do, fate intervenes in the nick of time: Enid’s worried father inexplicably arrives on the scene just in time to drag Enid and Brian out of the car before it explodes. Pff some more. Properly shook from the experience, both Brian and Enid’s dad agree to give up the sauce and go into rehab. The whole thing also makes Jeffrey French realize that he wants Enid, not Liz, after all.
BUT this isn’t a true victory. Jeffrey’s decision is totally dependent on Liz, who decides she’s not really into Jeffrey when she ultimately realizes that she’s in love with Todd. (How many times can you keep “realizing” you’re in love with the same person without taking that as a bad sign? Apparently, a lot.) Liz then gives permission for Jeffrey to date Enid. I hate Liz.
Anyway, Jeffrey wants to take the relationship slow, and so does Enid. They do share a smooch at midnight on New Year’s Eve. Then we never hear of Enid and Jeffrey being romantic in any way ever again. That is slow.
Other Notes:
- Bruce Patman arrogantly steps out of a parted crowd to kiss Jess under the mistletoe and this is SO. HOT. in my head.
- Enid goes missing with a bad boy and where’s the first frakking place her parents go to look? KELLY’S! I am shocked and surprised.
- Enid gives her dad a keychain with her face on it for Christmas. No wonder he drinks.
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