* Photo credit to The Closet *
Bruce Patman was born to rock the jacket-over-shoulder look. I appreciate him always looking foxy and never 45 years old like some boyfriends. I totally want to lick my way along his jawline.
Grandfather Patman (whom everyone calls exactly that, because it rolls so easily off the tongue) is coming to chill at the Patman estate for six weeks, and Bruce and his cousin Roger Barrett Patman are nervous because Grandfather Patman grills the boys about everything, shuns them if they don’t wear suits to dinner, and makes the whole family starve at breakfast because “people worked better when they had an edge of appetite.” He’s all about hard work and wealth, but shuns extravagance, so why is he working so hard to be so wealthy? Anyway, Grandfather Patman thinks it’d be brilliant to pit Roger and Bruce against each other, so he whips up a competition: Whoever can turn two thousand dollars into more than two thousand dollars within two weeks will inherit his entire empire.
Even though they know their g-pa is being kind of a dick, Bruce and Roger vow to ruin the other financially. Roger blows $1,500 worth of stocks, while Bruce loses nearly a grand in playing poker. Oh, him. I actually enjoyed this story because Bruce is just so fucking ridiculous about everything. Why is the series not entirely about him? Perhaps it’s just not big enough for his ego. Some BP gems:
- “‘I like the way this gel makes my hair look,’ he said, turning his neck admiringly.”
- “For just a minute, he was reminded that there was nothing better in the whole world than being Bruce Patman.”
- “Why did they have to talk about someone [—Roger’s dad—] who’d been dead for sixteen years? Why couldn’t they talk about something more interesting? ‘Like about me,’ Bruce thought.”
- “His parents were going away for an entire month and leaving him alone with Grandfather Patman and Roger? He couldn’t believe it. It was worse than being abandoned.”
- Some nobody named Tracy Atkins gets a haircut and Bruce, transfixed by her sudden beauty, literally gets into a car accident because he was too busy checking her out as she walked to school. Not 1bruce1!
- He then proceeds to stalk Tracy and find out everything there is know about her: “He was starting what he considered a mental ‘Tracy Atkins file.’”
- He gets into a second car accident just thinking about Tracy. He is killing me.
There’s a community project going on called SAVE to help raise five grand for a special-needs school to stay open. (Do I even have to tell you who the junior class representative is and how she was elected to be in charge of running meetings and dealing with administrative details? I hate you, Liz! And here’s some more TWIN HATE! “Tracy had always admired the Wakefield twins. They were a legend at Sweet Valley High…” Why is it not possible to read an SVH book and not have a mention of Elizabeth and Jessica and their greatness?) Anyway, Bruce trails Tracy around like a fool but I appreciate the great efforts on his part to impress her—he bikes all the way to her house to save gas money to tell her he wants to take her to an expensive concert. But the fact is that Tracy isn’t attracted to Bruce’s wealth and all his state-of-the-art gadgets and toys; she’s down to earth! What’s a Patman to do?
SAVE hosts Harbor Days, an event to raise money for the school by having students sell stuff for 50 percent profit. Bruce’s great idea actually is great: The Bruce Patman Guide to Dating. I want a hundred copies! (His initial idea is to make copies of his little black book starring “the names and addresses of the greatest girls in town.” Add that gem to the above bulleted list.) The book is divided into chapters: “The first chapter was called ‘How to Let the Girl of Your Dreams Know You’re Alive’; the second, ‘The Phone Call’; the third, ‘What to Drive, What to Wear, and What Not to Say: A Beginner’s Guide to the First Date.” Roger’s idea is definitely lame in comparison—spray-painting visors. Oh, Roger, come on, man. Bruce makes it suck harder by switching Roger’s paint with water-soluble counterparts and paying some brat to start a water balloon fight near Roger’s booth. That wily Bruce! But enough about him screwing over Roger—let’s get back to that book of his. Here, an excerpt: “What do you say to a girl you’ve just met who you want to go out with? A, You’re gorgeous. B, I drive a Porsche, want a ride? C, You’re in for the best time of your life now that you’ve met me. D, All of the above.” I’ll have to try the last one myself some day.
For the next Harbor Day, Bruce sells homemade ice cream while Roger teams up with photography buff Jim Roberts selling photos. Bruce attempts to overexpose Roger’s photo paper, and who should see him but his beloved Tracy Atkins! Even though Bruce doesn’t go through with the exposure, Tracy shuns him because he clearly doesn’t care about his family. Bruce’s conscience starts to kick in then, and he and Roger make a truce at the next Harbor Day when Roger and Bruce both partake in each other’s product. (I’m sure there was a less homoerotic way to phrase that. Anyway, SAVE only raises three thousand dollars—but two mysterious benefactors donate a thousand dollars each! I wish we knew who they were!
Roger and Bruce think they’re both screwed when it comes to Grandfather Patman’s fortune, and the old man blows a gasket and publicly shuns them for not raking in any dough whatsoever. But Bruce’s dad/Roger’s uncle Hank steps up to the plate for them, saying that although the boys didn’t make any profit, but they profited a great deal by learning valuable lessons about how important family is and blah blah. And they even schooled ol’ Grandfather that cooperation can be just as effective as competition, and the old man even hugs them! It’s a banner day at the Patman home.
And do I even have to fucking tell you that THERE IS NO ALEXANDER PATMAN???
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