* Photo credit to The Closet *
Oh, good—I was always wondering what the twins would look like dressed like redneck a-hats. Now my imagination can rest. Jessica looks like the most annoying person on Earth. Liz is missing half her thumb. And her ascot looks a little loose. Allow me to make a tiny adjustment…
Just like every other SVH book in which the twins go away on vacation, this one opens with the whole first chapter devoted to Jess over-packing twelve suitcases with her most glorious headbands and Liz with all her stuff together (and likely ironed to starchy perfection). Q: just where are the most beautiful, perfect twins in the whole world jet-setting off to this time? A: Nowheresville, Kansas to visit their great aunt and uncle Shirley and Herman, who aren’t mentioned at all in the Wakefield ancestry books [1] [2], so I already feel my fury beginning to climb on page three. Also, Herman’s the mayor of Nowheresville and so he’s a big to-do. Naturally. And he and his wifey also have the last name of Cara Walker, Jess’s BFF and her older brother’s girlfriend. I am now convinced the writers are only allowed to pick from a set list of names, most of which do not dare hint at ethnicity or nationality.
Herman and Shirley are so excited about being graced with the twins’ visit that they told their entire quaint little town, population 10, so everyone in a five-mile radius is buzzing with anticipation of the girls’ arrival. It’s disgusting. Jess wants to run around and explore (i.e., strategically brush her chest against the boys in town), but Shirley and Herman are old and strict, you guys! Not being used to having teenagers around, they think Jess dresses like a mental patient, pass out when Liz wants to go on an afternoon date with a boy they don’t know, and literally reach for their pills when Jess wants to leave the house alone at night. (Like anything of any interest has happened in Nowheresville in the past 40 years to warrant their fear.) The twins aren’t used to this—they’ve grown up with Ned and Alice giving them so much freedom that they nearly get murdered/kidnapped/sexually assaulted every ten books.
Jess and Liz naturally captivate the local boys, but the local girls are a different story. They all shun the twins on sight, but no one hates them more than Annie Sue Sawyer, the ringleader. ASS (tee hee) is frosty and rude to the twins, who are truly, 100 percent bewildered. “Jessica had never met anyone who seemed to take such an instant dislike to her.” I know; who couldn’t like the Wakefield girls? How dare they. And Liz is like, “Maybe they’re threatened. … Maybe they’re worried that two out-of-towners will throw things off balance,” and she even later suggests, “Maybe all we have to do to get Annie Sue to warm up a little is to reveal a few of our shortcomings.” WHAT? Yes, you’re both just too perfect to like. I’m scoffing so hard right now.
When she isn’t earning the scorn of the girls in town, Jess falls in love with a carnie named Alex at the carnival and sneaks out every night to have him teach her how to ride a volatile horse named Midnight and dry hump on a bale of hay or something. I’m still stuck on Jess falling for a carnie. What happens in Kansas, stays in Kansas. Anyway, Alex just happens to have a sensitive, English-majoring twin named Brad who is perfect for Liz! (Jeffrey French be damned.) The twins want to double date, but Alex and Brad have exactly opposite schedules so they’re never in the same place at the same time. Hmm.
Meanwhile, the twins are slowly driving Shirley and Herman to early graves by just being so outrageously Californian. They think Jessica has a sleeping disorder because she “goes to bed” at 10 p.m. every night. ASS catches Jess frolicking out late and blackmails Jess into giving her all her best headbands or otherwise she’ll tell Shirley and Herman that Jess was out with Alex. But all that changes when ASS’s dad buys Midnight the Temperamental Pony and ASS gets all defiant and tries to ride him without knowing how. Thankfully, Jess knows everything there is to know about horses at this point, so she somehow saves ASS’s life. It’s all so damn Baby-sitter’s Club. And Shirley and Herman forgive Jess for being a disrespectful douche because she’s such a hero. Shirley even says, “We’ll forgive you for sneaking out of the house if you’ll forgive us for being too strict for the past week.” SHUT UP! That did not just happen. Oh, but it did. Great—now Sweet Valley High is making me talk to myself.
ASS then throws a party in a twins’ honor and apologizes to them in front of the entire town. BARF! And twins forgive her for being a raging bitch after she confesses that she was just acting that way because she was jealous of them. (She says she’s grown up spoiled and used to getting her own way because she’s an only child but approximately FIVE CHAPTERS EARLIER she has her little sister torturing the twins. Kill the fact checker!) I’m experiencing another bout of projectile vomiting. Then they all go square dancing, because we can’t have the twins in the Midwest if no square dancing is present.
As for Alex and Brad…well, Liz discovers that there is no Brad. Alex explains to her that he just wanted to hook up with two twins at once—is that so wrong? He says that sometimes he feels like two different people, so he might as well be twins. I’m paraphrasing, but not by much. The stones on this dude. I’m sort of impressed. But Alex cares so much for Jess, so Liz never tells Jess about Brad because Jess is in love—so in love, in fact, that we never hear this dude’s name again.
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