* Photo credit to The Closet *
You’d think every Christmas in Sweet Valley was special — I know I did! But only one gets this magical title. Jessica looks like she’s having some sort of seizure-y fit, clutching herself and all but drooling as Liz stares agape at her unwarranted present.
Liz and Jess Wakefield are so sure that this will be the best Christmas ever, and why not? Jess is out to be Miss Christmastime and Todd Wilkins, Liz’s ex-love who’d moved away to Vermont, is returning! (Why wouldn’t Todd want to spend Christmas with his family in Vermont? Oh, right, because Sweet Valley just kicks too much ass!) Nothing could spoil their good moods — except for Lila Fowler tricking Jess into dressing like an elf and helping a mall Santa so she misses the Miss Christmastime decision and Lila gets to be one to wear a tiara and ride on the float! Oh, yes, that and the fact that Satan Devlin — I mean, Suzanne Devlin will be visiting the Wakefields for two weeks instead of spending it with her parents because she wants to show the Wakefield family that she’s changed. It’s such bull shit, man. Why does anyone care if she rights her wrongs? I was perfectly okay with her leaving Sweet Valley forever and everyone thinking she sucks. But Ned and Alice can’t say no to any sixteen-year-old girl, even if said girl has stolen from their daughter, made a man temporarily lose his job due to her false sexual assault claims, and had a boyfriend who nearly raped their other daughter.
The Wakefield kids are in an uproar, especially Jess and Steven, who’ve never even met her before, and they want to pull all sorts of tricks and shit on her, things that’ll really teach her, like pretending they forgot she was coming; recruiting Aaron Dallas and Winston Egbert to be her Secret Santa in reverse and leave her “SUZY GO HOME” notes; and short-sheeting her bed! But these intelligent and mature tactics don’t bug Suzanne at all; she’s just so irritatingly grateful to be back in Sweet Valley. And that’s not all: there’s something weird about her. She’s thin and frail, she naps all day, she pops pills in the kitchen, she passes out all the time… Jess thinks she’s a drug addict and continues to make Suzanne’s life miserable, but Steven and Liz become turncoats because Suzanne is just so nice now!
But Liz has more to worry about than just Suzanne: Todd’s back and he’s being weird, mostly because he’d bumped into Suzanne about a month ago at a ski lodge and they nearly made out. Now he’s in love with her and doesn’t know how to tell Liz. It’s so stupid! Jess overhears Suzanne and Todd having some conversation about that incident and decides to fight for Liz’s honor by having Aaron Dallas call Suzanne, invite her on a date, and direct her to a haunted house instead of the Christmas dance. Pff. But that night, Suzanne switches her medication and has some champagne with Todd, Steven, and the twins before going out (which is the most grown-up thing I’ve ever heard about in an SVH book), and nearly dies in a car accident because who knew you shouldn’t mix your MS meds with alcohol?
Yes, that’s right: Suzanne has multiple sclerosis and she’d wanted it kept a secret from everyone because she wanted to win back their friendship without pity. Now Liz and Jess are immediately contrite, and Todd is ready to fling himself into traffic because he’s just so in love with Suzanne, you guys! Then Liz and Todd have a chat about how there’s no spark in their relationship anymore and they should just be BFFs so Todd can go date Suzanne. The twins clear Suzanne’s good name at the Christmas Dance, which is being held at the Patman mansion after Bruce offered to host it there, which is so weird to me for so many different reasons. (I feel like no one in this story is who they are!) Other good news is that Jess robs the Miss Christmastime title and tiara away from Lila and gets to ride and wave on her very own float in the Christmas parade. Ho hum.
But there’s more: Suzanne’s doctor shows up and tells her that he confused her mono with MS! It was all just a silly little case of malpractice! (Seriously, though: how does something like that ever happen? Is her physician Dr. Leo Spaceman?) Everyone rejoices and I weep for the time spent on this book that I’ll never get back.
Other Notes:
- Steven Wakefield has no balls in this story. By that, I mean he has become a woman. He gets so personally involved with getting back at Suzanne (when most guys would probably grunt their displeasure, at most), he’s all concerned with what Liz is getting Todd for Christmas and the state of their relationship, gets giddy as a school girl when Jess gets her first Secret Santa present… I’m not doing it justice; you’d have to read for yourself. But you probably don’t want to.
- A police officer exclaims “Jesus!” when he sees Suzanne’s accident — this is unusual language for an SVH book, yes? I had to reread it like five times before I fully comprehended what I was seeing, which was someone taking our Savior’s name in vain in these wholesome tales.
- Okay, so Suzanne thought she had a major illness and was on her death bed, so instead of spending time with her family for possibly her last Christmas, she chooses to go out to Sweet Valley and ensure the Wakefields forgive her, because their approval is all that matters and is what will get her into Heaven. UGH.
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