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Super Edition: Perfect Summer

Super Edition: Perfect Summer

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I enjoy working under the assumption that the twins are on their bikes still in motion as they strike their respective sassy poses for this cover. I can’t stop staring at their brown tans and white hair. Admittedly, Liz looks pretty foxy. Jess looks young and annoying. Oh wait, she is.

Teachers/ex-lovers Mr. Collins and Ms. Dalton head a month-long school bike trip up the California coast with the twelve of the same kids you always hear about and Barry, Principal Cooper’s overweight nephew whom everyone hates because, well, he’s overweight. Especially Jess, who’s slinging around “butterball” and all her other favorite terms for people who are more than a perfect size six, and of course Barry is inexplicably in love with her. It never fails. But I’m getting ahead of myself — back to Collins and Dalton. They’d broken up without explanation and now Dalton is back with Lila Fowler’s daddy. As if Lila needs one more reason to be pissed off.

But the trouble really begins as the gang stops to sleep at Bruce Patman’s dad’s friend, Mr. Thomas, who is stinking rich, super pleasant, and has a horrifically behaved, super sexy daughter named Courtney. The girl embarrasses and belittles her fahjah in front of the SV gang and takes off on her mohawked boyfriend’s motorcycle. Mr. Thomas begs Collins and Dalton to let Courtney on the trip to keep her away from the boyfriend, and they agree, and the next morning, Courtney is all sweetness and light, but Jess and Lila ain’t fooled and they vow to get the bitch kicked off the trip, especially when they see Courtney draping herself all over Todd Wilkins and making Liz cry. Liz and Todd fight over Courtney no less than four times in this book and have the same damn conversation about it over and over. Liz needn’t worry — Courtney is just using Todd in her very stupid, non-well-thought-out plan that doesn’t make sense, meaning it’s exactly like every other SVH plan.

Courtney feeds Todd some shit about how Daddy is a drunk, and Liz ain’t buyin’ it, especially when she sees Todd holding Courtney’s hand while sleeping one night and he acts like it’s no big deal. Scoff! So she and Todd break up because Liz is so “uncompassionate and spiteful,” and Todd falls in love with Courtney, blah blah. Then Courtney accidentally starts a fire in the brush with her Marlboro, and Todd realizes she’s evil. Because evil people smoke! So he and Liz get back together and have a perfect summer, I guess.

A myriad of other shit happens, such as:

  1. Bruce Patman’s friend Charlie Malkus is hot for ex-tramp Annie Whitman, and they’re all over each other until Annie overhears Bruce badmouthing Annie and Charlie agreeing. But actually, Charlie was agreeing to disagree, and they make up.
  2. Bruce is a dick to his surprise cousin Roger Barrett Patman until Courtney starts a fire in the woods, and as Bruce is running to put it out, he’s telling Roger to get back: “We’re not going to risk more than one Patman at a time!” Oh, Bruce, you heroic softie. You really do care!
  3. Lila finds out about Dalton’s double life — namely, that she used to be married to a rich guy who killed himself because she wouldn’t come back to him due to the fact that he was a psychopath (something that seemed very blown out of proportion) — and holds this information over Dalton’s head and turns her into her slave, but then Collins finds out and the two make up and out and it’s all just very dumb.
  4. Jess falls in love with a bicycling stud Robbie October (what a great name) who’s all about independence and breaking the rules, but then they go off in the woods to dry hump and wind up trapped by a bear. Barry saves everyone from the bear (and then Mr. Collins swoops in and slings Barry’s body over his shoulder…yeah, I have no idea how any of this transpired logically) and Barry becomes everyone’s best friend. Naturally. You have to save someone’s life ’round these parts to get any respect.

 

Other Notes:

  • Why is this called Perfect Summer? It might be a summer that is described as “pretty sweet” at best.
  • Jess tells her dear brother Steven to “make like a seafood special and just clam up.” I need to try getting away with some of these ridonculous put-downs. I bet I could win; everyone would be too busy staring at me like I was mentally challenged to spout a comeback.
  • Everyone writes Baby-sitters Club-esque letters to people who aren’t on the trip. It’s pretty dumb.
  • Get a load of this scene and try to hold onto your lunch: “The song blared from the jukebox in the campground canteen as Elizabeth and Todd danced energetically, turning and jumping to the beat of an old Jackson Five song. Next to them Jessica whirled around with Mr. Collins, while some of the other kids downed ice-cold Cokes and tapped their feet to the beat.” HURL 5000!
  • Olivia Davidson brings her guitar on the bike trip. How?

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