Once upon a time, a.k.a., 2007, Pine Cone and I spent a ton of time chatting on AIM (i.e., the Facebook Messenger of its time). Usually these conversations would consist tortuous Would You Rather…? games (my Libran answer is always “It depends”), but on some occasions, we would be more imaginative. Proof of our creativity, Exhibit A: the absolutely never-before-played game Placenta Party.
Behold, the rules! (Please don’t try to make sense of them. There is none to be made.)
- Game must be played while wearing an odd number of clothing.
- You must turn your underwear inside out.
- There is no use of plural nouns when speaking.
- Everyone must carry a small swatch of fabric that may be used as a gag in the future.
- A backpack with a tent in it must also be carried.
- No direct eye contact may be made.
- You must, at all times, hold hands with your buddy, who is also known as “the other parent.”
- You and the other parent must assume what each other is going to say and talk at the same time. For every word messed up, you will be killed. (“How can you be killed more than once?” you may wonder. Exactly.)
- When in danger, push on the tummy of the mummy. The baby will shoot out and kill the nearest enemy.
- In order to escape from the “burning tunnel,” one must completely disrobe and drink a lot of water.
- In order to survive the passage through the “burning tunnel,” one must successfully ride the angry elephant to the nearest escape tunnel.
- If you collect one of each of the four of the power cards (Moon, Grasshopper, Binge Drinking, and Pap Smear), then you get to go on to the next round.
- If at any time you land on a purple square, shout “PAPA WANTS A VASECTOMY” and hope the floor doesn’t open beneath you.
- If the floor does open beneath you, pull on your parachute and watch as the plates and silverware pour out, and then make sure you pull the stick on the wall.
- If you are the first to get to the Mall of Destiny, you receive the emblem of sanctity for three rounds.
- Once in the Mall of Destiny, collect five stars.
- When you collect five stars, you’ll be able to create the Axe of Segregation with items found in the mall’s kiosks.
- Once you create the Axe of Segregation, hurry to JC Penney’s to find the best mattress upon which to give birth.
- Use the Axe of Segregation to cut the umbilical cord, and then you win.
Pine Cone: I think we need to make this game. Any game where the final words before you win are “Does that have a feather top, or is it just a box spring?” has got to be phenomenal.
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