Let’s not hesitate with introductions and pleasantries—who has the time, it’s PROM season at Annals High! Continue on to learn the shocking conclusion of this terribad novel!
(WARNING: The synopsis you’re about to read is hugely offensive and involves an astonishing number of gruesome, gratuitous death and senseless acts of obscenities. HappiMessMedia.com does not condone 98.2% of the following content, strongly advises against any of it occurring in real life, and apologizes to any surviving ancestors.)
Susan B. Anthony disgusts her best friend and fellow feminist Valerie Solanas by dating Henry VIII, who’d started going to meetings for the Feminist Majority High School Leadership to pick up women: “If any misogynistic jerk-off could date a feminist, it’s me.” Very few women are interested in dating him now considering his girlfriends usually go missing under mysterious circumstances or wind up with a quaint decapitation.
Valerie bumps into Pocahontas, who informs her about her near scalping and how Henry VIII is just plain bad news. At this point, Henry VIII is bored with Susan, so while he makes yet another call to his murder man, Al Capone, Valerie climbs through the window and gives Susan a bucket of Tennessee Fried Turkey to give to Henry.
Susan overhears Henry on the phone with Al and is indeed compelled to bring him the turkey legs, which he enjoys heartily before promptly choking on one. It’s initially presumed that the turkey is poisoned, however, “we [the police] inspected the bucket of turkey for traces of poison by found none. Well, not any more poison than what’s usually in Tennessee’s Fried Turkey.” It turns out the real cause of death was syphilis, the symptoms of which kicked in and caused him to choke. Ladies be safe now!
Then, James Dean, “one of the rebel-without-a-cause kids,” catches sight of Cleo, the half-sister of Al Capone, girlfriend of Napoleon, and wearer of immaculate eyeliner. She’s feeling trapped in life, and so it’s the ideal time for James to roar up on his motorcycle and take her to a remote lake, where they share a “torrid and heart-wrenching kiss.” Alexander the Great sees her ride off with him and gleefully shares the news with Napoleon, who calls Al and requests Al murder the c-o-o-l r-i-d-e-r.
On the night of the Roger and Justine premiere, James crashes his motorcycle after skidding on some Insta-Ice, made by one of the science kids “under extreme duress.” Just before Alfred Hitchcock and Bill Shakespeare introduce their play, Principal Socrates makes the announcement about James’s accident and the bloody pile-up that resulted. The response:
The audience went nuts, although not nearly as nuts as they did when the band kids all died. This was because of the metal detector that had been installed at the entrance of the school so anyone passing through had to reluctantly hand over their ninja stars and revolvers. This time, everyone just burst out crying, but not necessarily over James because they found him to be just a scummy nobody. But they didn’t know who else died, and they were all worried it might be the people they had crushes on.
Cleo is properly devastated, not just for James but also for herself: “He was supposed to be her road out, but now he was just road kill.” Inspired, though, to get the hell out of Dodge, Cleo calls up her friend Chris Columbus and escapes with him on his yacht.
And then finally: the prom night chapter! The theme of the evening is “History in the Making”: “It seemed appropriate, considering that every student in the world was going to be part of the future—at least, the near-future—and by the time the future rolled around, that would make the prom in the past, thus making it history.” (By this point, Ghandi was shot by a radical friend during a disagreement and Al Capone died from pneumonia a few days after the fateful rainy night James died.)
Happy, insane couple Vincent van Gogh and Joan d’Arc are running for Prom King and Queen, even though Joan senses something awful will occur: “Vincent, there will be devastating chaos at the dance. No one’s lives will ever be the same. But I love you, you’re my best friend, and there is nothing more that I want to do than go to prom with you.” Priorities!
The prom is in full swing by the time the couple arrives: “It was rather surprising that the place was so full of people, considering that at least three students had died every day over the course of the year.” The decorations consist of clippings from the school newspaper The Annals Account that highlight the students’ accomplishments, but
The prom committee had taken a black Sharpie to any article mentioning a student who had died a violent death in an effort not to ruin the fun-loving mood of the night. Unfortunately, more than half the articles looked as if the Sharpie exploded all over them, rendering nearly every clipping unreadable.
And since you’re just dying to know who came with who:
- Albert Einstein and Florence Nightingale
- Homer the blind poet and “a sightless girl named Helen who kept splashing her fingers around in the water in her finger bowl” (“Happily for the both of them, neither could see the other, which led to many happy mistakes of accidentally groping the other.”)
- Michelangelo and Oscar Wilde
- Abe, “a tall, gaunt boy with cadaverous features and lofty hat,” and Janis Joplin
- Walt Disney (who made an animation of Vincent van Gogh’s missing ear) and Amelia Earhart (“She’s going into the Air Force after graduation and doesn’t know where she’ll be stationed. I figured I’d better get my kicks in now before she disappears.”)
- Elizabeth I and Bill Shakespeare
- Marky D. Sade and a ninth grader (“He had been forced to invite a freshman from another school after all the girls at school had said they were suffering from brain tumors when he asked them to go with him.”)
- Edgar Allen Poe and the decomposing body of Marilyn Monroe
- Bonnie and Clyde, who proceed to murder everyone in sight before the Prom King and Queen are announced (“This is for being yourselves!” Clyde shouts while shooting up the place.)
The casualties include
- Abraham Lincoln (shot)
- Napoleon (an alcohol-and-lactate-pill-induced stomach ulcer)
- Fencing champion Vlad the Impaler (decapitated by the falling disco mirror ball)
- Joan d’Arc (“crumpled up like a disappointing report card and died” after catching on fire while screaming for Jesus [“Unfortunately, Jesus was boycotting the prom…so he didn’t hear her pleas, despite what some Conservative, Republican red states might say.”])
“One brave student rushed at her funeral pyre, but just because he was in need of a lighter to fire up his bong.”
- Judy Garland (downs a bottle of pills [“jus’ some M-nem-Ms”] in the parking lot after her best friend Liberace tells her he has AIDS)
- Vincent van Gogh (shot himself)
- Adolf Hitler (shot himself after he and his thugs fight the geeks on the fifty-yard line of the football field)
- Bonnie and Clyde (shot by the police, who “finally arrived after their Dunkin’ Donut run was complete”)
But by that point, “the damage had already been done and, needless to say, Alexander [the Great]’s post-prom party was a complete bust.”
Then comes graduation day. There are only nineteen surviving seniors, not counting Edgar Allen Poe, who showed up for school and immediately dropped dead of mysterious circumstances. The audience for graduation was sparse: “Everyone skipped the ceremony in order to go hit up the top five funerals being held that day.” Betsy Ross sewed a black memorial flag featuring all the deceased’s names.
Jimi Hendrix, Jerry Garcia, Jim Morrison, and Janis Joplin smoke a joint afterward and discuss the grim past and assuredly grimmer future. Jerry gives a regretful speech about how nothing being like what they thought it’d be like, and in response, Jimi, Janis, and Jim all jam some heroin into their arms. The three die just as the “dormant” volcano next door begins to smoke. Jerry makes a run for his VW bug when his chest tightens, and he collapses in the parking lot. The final paragraph:
“As the lava spewed out of the mouth of the volcano, Jerry smiled strangely despite that the pressure in his chest increased so much that he felt like he was going to explode. Witnessing the cloud of ash floating over them, it finally sank in his head that he had graduated just that afternoon, and he realized with great relief that high school was finally over.”
Good gravy! Is your brain bleeding yet? I don’t blame you!
As a send-off, let’s tip our caps to all the NaNoWriMo 2017 novels that shall be born—may they be as equally memorable!
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