THE CONSULTANT: omg apparitions spanking blond ladies with pizzas?!?! I should have my mother sign a permission slip before I move on
STEF: [Dramobil is] a very risque soap opera. But not all the storylines are about doin’ it
THE CONSULTANT: oh, then I’m not interested

And now: Several of the exciting storylines featured in Dramobil, a soap opera taking place in and around a Playmobil dollhouse!

DRAMOBIL!!!!!1

Grandpa settled in for his daily afternoon nap, his trusty knife by his bedside as usual.

His childhood friend Boggy, the cantankerous maid, checked to see if Grandpa needed anything pre-slumber.

“There is something,” Grandpa said with a wink.

It was soon learned that Boggy and Grandpa were better friends than we initially thought.

Grandpa and Boggy, so ensconced in the ecstatic throes of their knife play, did not notice young Rajah watching the scene unfold with great horror, his desire to ever again ask for homework help obliterated in a single moment.

Young Rajah’s trauma increased thirty-fold when his beloved Husky hopped into the fray.

So overwhelmed with revulsion, Rajah took a giant misstep back and toppled down the staircase, knocking all the consciousness from his head. Will he live?!

Meanwhile, JoAnn played with her toys and her cat, Familiar, in her room.

Red Beard the Transvestite Nanny entered the room to inform JoAnn there was a ruckus on the patio he/she must attend to and that she ought to stay out of trouble in his/her absence. JoAnn agreed. After all, what could go wrong?

But no sooner was JoAnn left alone did the door burst open, revealing The King, brandishing an axe!

The King cornered poor JoAnn. “I’m here to destroy you, little JoAnn,” he said. “I’m sorry, but you’re too big a threat to my kingdom.”

Before The King could swing his mighty axe and bring an end to poor JoAnn, The Fairy appeared with a ting and stepped between them.

“I command you to leave this child alone!” she bellowed in her magical, beautiful fairy way.

Then The Fairy, in her magical, beautiful fairy way, beat The King with her stick.

The King scrambled up from the floor and hightailed it out of there, mumbling curses and other inappropriate things under his breath.

The Fairy turned to JoAnn, who was wondering what the heck that was all about.

“You’re a very special little girl, JoAnn,” The Fairy said. “We thought to let you grow up first before you realized just how special you are, but circumstances have made it so we cannot wait.”

Then she waved her fairy stick over JoAnn and Familiar.

The Fairy disappeared, and JoAnn became JoAnn the Wiccan!

JoAnn the Wiccan found her transformation pretty sweet and turned to the dusty old tome that had materialized. She recited one of the poems out loud.

Nothing seemed to have happened.

Meanwhile, right after JoAnn the Wiccan’s innocent recitation of a mysterious poem, there appeared a commotion on the roof in the form of a completely shocked Scuba Diver.

To say the Scuba Diver was mystified was understatement, considering just seconds ago he’d be spelunking in an underwater cave.

A second concern of the Scuba Diver’s was that he would soon run out of air, as he’d always believed he couldn’t breathe without his helmet, regardless if he was above or below the waves.

The thought led him to begin hyperventilating.

Then the Scuba Diver heard someone question his well-being in a voice as enchanting and melodic as a siren’s. When he turned his head, he saw it was a siren–one donning an astronaut’s helmet. Her presence was the much-hoped-for find of all men exploring both space and sea, and the Scuba Diver fell instantly in love.

Before the Scuba Diver could try out his best ocean-related pick-up line on the Astronautical Mermaid, a noisy noise rippled and rolled through the air, breaking the sexually tense silence.

“What’s going on here?” boomed the Viking Captain, balanced atop the randomly placed piano along with his Boat Boy and their Seacat in their briny dinghy.

“I’m not sure what we’re all doing on this rooftop,” the Astronautical Mermaid said. “One moment, I was in my space shuttle, lying in my giant clam of a bed and cuddling an anemone when all of a sudden–“

The sudden appearance of the Fairy broke the Astronautical Mermaid’s recap.

“It’s JoAnn the Wiccan!” the Fairy cried. “She has no idea how powerful she is!”

Before the bewildered sea people could request more information, the Pimp surprised them by scaling the roof and brandishing his pimp stick.

“There you are, Fairy,” he said with a snarl. “And in my employ you soon shall be.”

The Fairy did not care for the Pimp’s threat disguised as a job offer, no matter how much a little naughty fairy magic in the boudoir went for these days, so she skedaddled with her bindlestiff, the Pimp cursing her good, virtuous name in her wake.