Once upon a time, my husband asked what bedtime stories I would read to our hypothetical kid. This conversation somehow led to me tucking him and his teddy (i.e., our dog, Max) into bed. Then I read him stories and journal entries I wrote when I was a second-grader in 1992, that lucky devil!
This particular journal opened like all those of second-grade kids’: with the lyrics to the hand-clapping game “Miss Susie Had a Steamboat.” It took me until 2011, when my best friend suggested Really Bad Sex cover it (and have guest singer Jennifer Hudson on lead vocals), what “darker than her boyfriend chasing after me” meant. I didn’t know that song implied race! And I handed this in for class! A grade, even!
All My Very Important Activities
This document—which is nearly thirty years old (::vomits a bit::)—also indicates some of the things that were going on in my life during second grade, such as
- Going to New Jersey to visit my grandparents and bringing Shelley, my second-grade best friend
- Enjoying Reading is Fundamental (RIF) books, especially Black Beauty (We all know those Scholastic newsletters and book fairs were dope af.)
Dressing up and playing games such as “cavemen, house, ballet, pirates, [and] cats” with my brother
- Heading to upstate New York to spelunk about in Howe Caverns (“I got a [neon pink] rabbit’s foot and a fluorite stone”) and visit a museum (“I forget what it’s called”), Herkimer Diamond Mine, and the Baseball Hall of Fame
- Playing with the neighborhood kids (“[Ashley and I] rode our bikes, played in the sandbox, and put on makeup. My mom, Ritchie, and my brother came out with fake swords and they were trying to kill me and Ash. We were the princesses and the boys were knights. And Mom was the black knight.”)
- Celebrating Memorial Day by watching Grease 2 and Sixteen Candles, looking for booby-girls in Conan the Barbarian comic books, painting models, and other age-inappropriate antics
- Listing the cast of Batman Returns with great excitement, although I’ve never seen this movie
- Expressing my love for Burger King’s bacon double cheeseburgers
- Cataloging eyeshadow colors
- Inventing games (“‘Car’ is a game with three or more players. What you need: basketball and bikes. Person takes a ball and gets on an old dirt road. Bikes are set at the far edge. Person with ball pretends he’s being run over by a car!”) I bet you didn’t see that twist coming!
Teacher Feedback
My second-grade teacher, Mrs. McCarthy—a stout, round blonde who wore heaps of makeup and vibrant flower-print dresses—encouraged these shenanigans, even the descriptions of games that highlighted the hilarious joy of vehicular manslaughter. That’s how you know we’re in the olden times.
I’m a Writer!!!1
I also wrote of my young writerly ambitions: “I am writing a story about a girl who loves to write books. It’s called The Caldecott Medal. It is going to be good.” How might I regain this matter-of-fact confidence when I talk about all my works in progress??
This second-grade journal even includes some of these literary gems. Here’s one I read to my husband to scare him to sleep:
A DEAD END
Once upon a time, a girl, Carrie, was going to explore a cave with a group of people. She got there and put on a helmet so the rocks won’t hit her on the head. As Carrie and the group traveled on, she sighed. But her sigh turned into a scream. There, in the dark, was two red glowing eyes.
She turned toward her friends but they were gone! All she found was the floor soaked with blood.
Carrie was going back to tell a policeman about a very unnatural murder. [As opposed to a very natural murder?] As she was turning the corner, she stopped herself. She rounded the corner carefully. As Carrie turned all the way, she saw the red eyes!
Then she sat up with a jerk. It was a dream! Since she had a lot of ugly masks, she stuffed them in the trash.
THE END!
What do the masks have to do with the red glowing eyes and the blood-soaked hallway, you might wonder? The connection is there; an eight-year-old just couldn’t be bothered to explain it.
There is a second story, one with a completely illegible title:
I assume it’s supposed to be
THE FAIRIES
Once upon a time, there was a perky, on-the-move fairy who was always curious. She had long blonde hair and blue eyes. She had a great smile. Her name was Emily. Not an exotic name for an impossible girl, right? OK, to the story. [There I go, breaking that fourth wall! How cool!]
Emily has a sister named Helina. Helina was also beautiful. But she filled Emily’s head up with crazy ideas about giants and ghosts and all the impossible. Helina often got into trouble.
Emily got the wrong idea and set off to find giants and ghosts and all the impossible. She longed to see these scary, fascinating creatures. So she slipped out in her pajamas at 12:00 midnight to start her search. She flew a great distance. Finally, she reached a dark forest where Helina told most her stories. The grass was longer and frightening.
“Pssst,” a voice whispered. It was a ladybug.
“Yes. Can I help you?” Emily asked kindly.
The ladybug narrowed her eyes. “Leave,” she ordered. “This is an evil place.” And then [she] crawled away into the dark grasses.
[It was at this point my husband laughed and laughed over the idea of “a sinister ladybug,” and now we rasp to each other, “Psst… LEAVE.” Oh, I was also pantomiming all the action to this story while reading it out loud, so “leave” comes with the action of “the scissor fingers” of both hands closing slowly in front of the face to truly convey all the eye-narrowing going on.]
Now Emily was very nervous, but she kept her word: To find the impossible. [Are you sick of the word “impossible” yet?] She set off, flying her way around. Faster and faster she flew, until she slammed into a huge rock. Wait! This was no rock! It was a big cave!
[“Aren’t caves inherently big rocks?” asked my husband. Okay, slow your roll there, peanut gallery.]
Immediately Emily got excited. She soared through the cave with a pounding headache. Darker it got. But she sailed on. Then all of a sudden, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Emily screamed. There a giant stood!
She cried uncontrollably as he picked her up. “Hmm,” he said. “I did want a midnight snack.” He dangled her over his mouth as she screamed wildly.
Emily awakened. It was a dream! [I sense a crutch in my second-grade storytelling.] Emily sighed with relief. She was no fairy. But as she went over to her window to let the sunshine in, she threw open the curtain and screamed. The grasses stood there, tall as ever. [Fire that gardener!]
THE END!
Now let’s conclude with a second-grade doodle of a foxy fine lady named Kelly Baker, whoever that is!
—
Please leave a comment and share this content with your friends on social media—
this helps ensure the continuation of the content you love!