* Photo credit to The Closet *
Truly an unfortunate cover for a book titled “Earthquake.” This is just a myriad of recycled covers, none of which depict the title’s event. Some more viable, interesting options would’ve been a totaled Spanish-style split level, a lavaliere lying dramatically over some rubble, a Sears portrait of an ominous-looking refrigerator…
So shit’s really going down on Calico Drive post-earthquake, which effectively killed the mood of the twins’ seventeenth birthday. I think the shock of the twins finally having a birthday after fifteen years of being sixteen threw the whole earth off its axis and this is just the planet acting out.
Here’s the haps:
A. Jess and her brother, Steven, survive their car accident that all but mangled the twins’ new birthday Jeep, which had the lifespan of approximately Britney Spears’s first marriage. Jess mourns the vehicle, but soon she has bigger things to worry about, like maneuvering what’s left of the Jeep (which I imagine looks like a Flintstones’s car at this point) through the wreckage to get to Steven’s girlfriend, Billie Winkler, at the mini mart. It sounds like a premise for an Atari game no one will ever play. They make it to Billie while avoiding cracks in the ground that look like something out of a Wiley Coyote cartoon, and then Steven and Billie run to the theater to save Ned and Alice and a bunch of other adults who must rely on the help of teenagers and no one else. Jess tries to make it home to Elizabeth but is stopped by a teenager named Bryan, who is freaking out because his twelve-year-old sister Alyssa is dangling into one of those Looney Tunes crevasses by her fingertips. Despite Jess’s best efforts, including contorting into unladylike positions in her new turquoise mini dress, Alyssa slips and is swallowed up by the blackness of the earth. Oopsie.
B. Liz staggers around her yard, trying to scrounge up friends to help other friends, but everyone’s taking off or incapacitated. When she sees best friend Enid Rollins lying unconscious in a pool of water with electrical wires snaking toward her, she begs Devon Whitelaw to help save her, and they spend about a half hour arguing about Devon’s pessimistic it’s-every-man-for-himself attitude. Liz, you could’ve saved Enid about ten times by the time Devon’s like, “Smell ya later,” and takes off. Then a mini earthquake sends Liz into the pool, and when she surfaces, she’s face-to-face with a Jafar-like rattlesnake. As if this book isn’t melodramatic enough. She somehow wriggles her way out of that unnecessary problem yet winds up electrocuted when trying to save Enid. Quit stalling, Wakefield!
C. Ronnie Edwards got crushed by a tree and is totally dead! Other statuses: A.J. Morgan and Caroline Pearce turn into spazs, Annie Whitman breaks her arm, Maria Santelli and Winston Egbert stay calm in the emergency and live happily ever after (as far as I’m concerned), Prince Albert barks a lot (I know, I almost forget about that dumb dog too), Bruce Patman high tails it outta there, Maria Slater is passed out under a bush, and Dana Larson mops unconscious Max Dellon’s forehead while Penny Ayala and Jeffrey French try to revive Aaron Dallas, who is also KO’d. Amy Sutton and Barry Rork are also alive. That pretty much takes care of the entire junior/senior class worth caring about.
D. Todd Wilkins and Lila Fowler are trapped in the Wakefield bathroom and become THE MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE ALIVE. I suppose their arguing is supposed to convey sexual tension, but it’s painful to read them trading insults; it’s sooo not the time and place. Todd tries to escape while Lila makes snide comments and files her nails and they gripe about whose fault it is that they’re stuck there. Then there’s a fire outside the window and they’re about to be burned alive, yet Todd’s calling Lila a snob and she’s dismissing him as “nouveau rich.” (Isn’t her family considered nouveau rich as well?) They both finally start panicking and cling to each other in fear, and then they just can’t help but notice how attractive the other is in the glow of the fiery flames (oh geez Louise) but get rescued just before a passionate lip lock can ensue.
E. Ken Matthews sticks by girlfriend Olivia Davidson’s side in the destroyed Wakefield kitchen, as Olivia is somewhat detained from escaping, what with every appliance known to man piled on top of her. They both reminisce on their two-second relationship, and Olivia feels “if she was really going to die that night, her biggest regret was losing out on a future spent with Ken.” All right, that’s pretty damn sad, but then I must remember that most Hollywood marriages last longer than a Sweet Valley romance. Again, I’m thinking of Britney Spears’s first marriage. Still, Olivia’s coughing up blood, and the whole shebang’s rivaling the ending to Love Story, so we can allow ourselves to feel some sorrow, especially considering the ghostie inflicted every injury possible on Olivia—she even has a bone sticking out of her crushed leg like a particularly gruesome Ren and Stimpy episode. That’s what you get for marching to the beat of your own drummer, Olivia. Ken finally leaves her to go find help, and when he returns with some EMTs, Olivia has ceased to be. Even the EMTs cry. Will the drama ever end? Oh yeah, in the next book!
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