* Photo credit to The Closet *
This is Liz and Jess in their “No more pencils, no more books” outfits as they flee their notorious alma mater. Now, I spend much of this blog hating everything Wakefield, but I’m challenging myself to say nothing but positive things since it’s the last numbered book in the series. However, I fear that what’s to come may be the biggest stretch in fiction since, well, Sweet Valley High.
Poor, beautiful, always barretted Liz wakes up and thinks, “I never imagined I’d feel this miserable the morning after my junior prom.” Even though she killed a guy during her last prom, this is much worse. You see, Liz was seeing newcomer Devon Whitelaw behind her boyfriend Todd Wilkins’ back until Todd found out and became wrongfully pissed. How dare Todd compromise Liz and Devon’s happiness just because of his long-standing history with Liz! Somehow, Liz ended up booking prom dates with both Devon and Todd, leaving her and Jess to pull yet another ingenious Who’s Who? moment, but both dudes found out and are all pouty about it. (But thankfully, Todd got his comeuppance by being thrown off the prom yacht by his date Courtney Kane, whom he was using to make Liz jealous after he drove Liz’s Jeep off a cliff because he’d fought with Devon. This just proves you should never go against a mighty Wakefield!)
After prom, Devon had fled the prom yacht in a speedboat with Lila Fowler, whom both the twins hate now. And rightfully so! So the girls crash Lila’s brunch party, where they end up screaming at the hostess and then at each other, because everyone wants a piece of Devon. Lila says such rude things, too: “You two act if there’s some law that says the Wakefield twins have first dibs on every halfway decent guy in Sweet Valley.” Please, Lila; Liz and Jess have earned that right by being so slender, blonde, and gorgeous! Then Devon shows up and hears everyone fighting over his fine ass, and then he has the nerve to tell the girls to “get over” themselves and let him chill in peace. Who does he think he is, talking to my girls that way?
Anyway, there’s a talent competition called Battle of the Junior Classes going on, and all the schools are practicing for it at Palisades High, which was home to Christian Gorman, one of Jessica’s many dead boyfriends. Sweet Valley High is sure they’re going to win—after all, their theme is “good twin, evil twin” to Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract”. But the El Carro team steals their practice space and calls them losers, and wussy Olivia Davidson, their art director of the project or something, just bends over and takes it. I mean, she takes the moral high road. Her logical quarterback boyfriend Ken Matthews thinks she should apologize to El Carro to end all the animosity, and this leads to a fight, which is so upsetting because Ken and Olivia are such a perfect, totally likely couple, you guys!
When El Carro vandalizes all of SVH’s props, Jess vows to get back at them. But then Christian appears to her in a dream (or was it?!) like the Ghost of Christmas Future (only sexy) and warns her not to start up the high school war again or it’ll lead to doom. (In fact, Jess sees Christian in person everywhere else, too—but it’s not really him. It’s his IDENTICAL BROTHER Jason, who was away at boarding school when Christian died and thus never made it to the funeral but now has made it his mission in life to hang around the school, meeting his dead brother’s old friends! What a lucky, lucky, completely realistic scenario!) Anyway, Jess controls her impulses just like the practical, mature young woman she is and makes it her life’s mission to beat El Carro in the competition fair and square.
Liz spends the entire story being depressed about Devon and doesn’t give a thought to Todd Wilkins and how he might be feeling even once. (Why should she? He was so ungrateful when she saved him from the drowning that was essentially her fault!) But when Liz gets Devon alone, he’s like “It doesn’t change the fact that I still love you.” Perfect love! But he refuses to kiss her because his feelings are just too hurt, and Liz promises to give him up for good. “Maybe someday we’ll be able to put all the hurt behind us and become good friends,” she thinks. That’s the spirit, Liz!
Ken overhears the El Carro’s team plot to murder Jessica during the big finale of their presentation when she flies down from the rigging a la Peter Pan (I’m so excited!). He finally realizes that Olivia was right about those jerks all along! Meanwhile, Jess is barfing three minutes into the show because she ate pork-on-a-stick so Olivia has to take her place even though she doesn’t want to because she’s not “A-list” enough. Is all this for real happening? I mean, all this is for real happening, you guys! Erica Dixon, an El Carro bitchola, turns off all the lights during the finale, and Ken races up the rigging to save Oliva’s life as she dangles from the scaffolding. Then they promise to love each other forever. I’m so glad there wasn’t adult supervision around for any of this. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been so romantic!
The lights go up, and Todd Wilkins drags Erica Dixon on the stage, kicking and screaming. Ken demands that Erica apologize to Olivia, but Erica screams, “Never!” Then some rioting occurs while “a few official-looking adults were trying to get things under control.” But then Jess has a brilliant idea: to turn on the projector and show the last slide—one of Christian Gorman. Everyone goes silent and immediately refrains from killing each other in respect for the dude who died trying to stop everyone from killing each other in the last gang war.
Then Palisades wins the talent competition! Finally they win something! What an uplifting story!
Other Notes:
- Ken brings Olivia yellow roses with the following note: “To Freeverse. They’re not poppies [her favorite!] but I hope you like them anyway. Love, Quarter.” ISN’T THAT SWEET!?!?! And Olivia thinks, “I wish Erica could see me with my hot, popular boyfriend. Maybe then she wouldn’t be so quick to dis me to my face.” ISN’T THAT SO IN CHARACTER?! And then she suspects Ken of wanting to sleep with Erica. No way, girl—he’s hot for the record in your hair and your record alone.
- In this story, Jess briefly dates Palisades High’ Josh Brighton—a black dude! We’re witnessing history here!
- This was excruciating. Where’s the party? Where’s the weekend?
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