* Photo credit to The Closet *
WHAT is going on with Liz’s hairstyle? I’ve seen toddlers with cuter hair. Then again, toddlers’ moms probably do their hair for them but still. What I’m trying to say is that 1) there’s no reason why Liz should be out in public looking like this and 2) I don’t understand why Todd Wilkins and Devon Whitelaw are in a penis duel to the death over her.
Prom is approaching, you guys! Maybe there won’t be a tragic death during this one. Let’s have a play-by-play of the characters’ pre-prom antics. (This shouldn’t take too long, as the book was one big ridiculous compilation of teenagers trying on prom garb and whining about who their prom dates will be.)
A: Liz has told Devon and Todd she needs space, yet she hopes against hope and wishes against wish that at least one of them will ask her to prom. Pff. Todd still has no balls and is constantly gazing at Liz with a look of both heartbreak and lust, and Devon is desperately trying to forget Liz exists. You and me both, dude. But eventually he decides to win her back by joining the prom committee, which she’s of course a part of, and Todd sees Devon kiss Liz’s hand. After lying around thinking “My life is meaningless,” Todd decides to score a new prom date—the illustriously evil Courtney Kane—to really twist the knife in Liz’s back, and it works. Devon sees how upset Liz is by this new development, so he puts her love to the test by sending her a forged note from Todd, asking her to meet him at the same time she’s supposed to be on a date with Devon. Liz goes to the meeting place with the intention of telling Todd she’s moved on (oh, give me a break), but Devon pops up with his eyes as “cold as ice”! Oh dear!
B: Lila Fowler and Jessica Wakefield actually do not have prom dates, so they whip up their own catalog of who’s who of eligible bachelors at SVH so they can pick who to ask. I wish I’d thought of that. They snap everyone’s pictures and compile them in a notebook with write-ups mentioning their best and worst qualities. Por ejemplo: “Bruce Patman: Tall, with dark hair and blue eyes. Hot tennis player’s body. Best feature: rich. Worst feature: kisses like a live jellyfish. Key word: arrogant.”
Winston Egbert stumbles across the list and somehow manages to hijack the school’s intercom for like, twenty minutes before an adult assumingly reprimands him (yes, an adult! I know you forgot they still made them in Sweet Valley), and he announces to the whole school what Jess and Lila have done, effectively destroying their social lives with the dudes at school. (Bruce: “At least I’ve been upgraded to a live jellyfish….And I’m arrogant? This list is the most arrogant thing I’ve ever seen in my life!”) None of the dudes wanna touch the girls with their ten-inch poles (“The world is coming to an end,” Jessica thinks), so Lila and Jess put out a personal ad in other school papers, asking for rich prom dates. Then they hold interviews in Lila’s father’s conference room (lol) and end up asking the same dude, Jordan, who agrees to go with both of them. Oh dear some more!
C: Enid Rollins also doesn’t have a date, which should surprise exactly no one. However, linebacker Tad “Blubber” Johnson turns into a red-faced, mush-mouth mess around her, and it doesn’t take much to realize that Enid totally grills his cheese. Unfortch, Enid doesn’t want much to do with him because, well, would you want to go to prom with a dude nicknamed Blubber? That’s one step above Donkeylips. She tries to avoid him, but he finally asks her to prom and she’s too nice to say no. I suspect they’ll fall madly in love at prom and being with Blubber will teach Enid a valuable life lesson, but would it be too much to ask for Jessica to be set up with the 240-pound guy for once?
Other Prom Date Match-Ups (aside from the obvious couples, like Winston and Maria Santelli, the real SVH power couple): Maria Slater and a male supermodel (FRR!); A.J. Morgan and Suzanne Hanlon (Who?); Aaron Dallas and Heather Mallone; Ken Matthews and Olivia Davidson (weirdest couple evs); and—okay, no one cares. God, this book was boring.
Other Notes:
- I firmly believe that Todd has some kind of mental damage. Either that, or an ankle fetish. Feast your eyes:He let his gaze travel up past [Liz’s] sneakers. “She has such cute ankles,” he thought. The muscles under her tan skin stretched as she reached to hold up the measuring tape, and Todd’s mouth went dry. It was such a lovely movement. He felt struck with a sudden desire to run his finger along the line of her anklebone. Maybe she wouldn’t even notice….He’d been so desperately afraid of losing her to that jerk Devon Whitelaw that he’d temporarily lost his mind and had acted drastically. “And now I can’t even touch her ankle,” Todd thought miserably.Oh em gee! Somebody get this boy laid, stat.
- Liz’s initial response to Todd and Courtney: “She’d never felt more jealous in her life. Todd seemed so happy to have Courtney by his side. ‘He deserves happiness, I guess,’ Elizabeth thought, her eyes starting to fill with tears. ‘I can’t begrudge him that. But why does it have to be at my expense?’” I’m laughing with how much I hate this girl!
- At one point, Liz seriously contemplates asking her brother, Steven, to take her to prom. This says far too much.
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