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#139 – Elizabeth is Mine

139. Elizabeth is Mine

* Photo credit to The Closet *

This cover is truly LOL-worthy; this the worst posed fight scene evs. I love how Jessica is so into tearing Devon Whitelaw off Todd Wilkins. She’s really putting her back into it. If I were Devon and saw Todd’s face looking like that, I’d want to punch him too.

In other news, this book’s number and title rhyme!

Here’s a newsflash you haven’t heard five hundred times already: Liz is cheating on Todd and feels just totally awful about it, you guys! But she can’t resist Devon, the boy Jess is in love with this week; it’s like they’re meant to be. Jess catches Devon and Liz Frenching in the rain so she drives to the beach to see Todd, who’s waiting for Liz, and tells Todd all the horny details. And Todd can’t believe it, although I don’t know why this situation strikes him as odd and unfamiliar. Jess insists that Todd needs to get revenge on Liz, so she tries to put the moves on him (lol), but he rejects her, because he’s too, too in love with Liz. In fact, he’s not even that mad! He is actually not all about dumping Liz and thinks that he should be the one to win her back! Good grief.

Jess is so furious about the situation that she’s practically sharpening battle axes after cheerleading practice. But she attempts to go for subtlety—here’s the exact wording of her plan, fit for a first-grade reading level: “Todd falls in love with some beautiful girl. Elizabeth drops Devon and goes racing back to Todd. But it’s too late. Todd is in love with someone else. Elizabeth is left alone. Devon is left alone. But Devon doesn’t want Elizabeth anymore. Now he wants me.” So Jess orchestrates an “accidental” run-in between Todd and his ex-flame Courtney Kane, who once tried to murder Elizabeth and still has the major hots for Todd.

And naturally, I’m totally behind Jess making Liz miserable, because Liz is so unapologetic about everything. I love that Jess rubs Liz’s face in the fact that Liz is making Todd’s life hell, but Liz’s guilt doesn’t work for too long. As soon as Jess “forgives” Liz to her face, Liz takes this an invitation to tell Jess in depth about how in love she and Devon are: “We have everything in common….It’s like I’ve been waiting for him all my life.” It’s truly pissing me off!

Todd confronts Liz and tells her that he’s sure that this is just a mistake and they can just continue on as normal—because obviously that’s the drill. But Liz admits that’s her smooching Devon wasn’t a mistake. Oh noes! Seriously, Todd, why do you even bother?

Todd decides to give Courtney another chance because she’s dressing so Elizabeth-like these days, and they go for pizza at Guido’s and actually have a cute time out. So cute of a time, in fact, that they wind up making out. And Jess calls Liz to Guido’s, so Liz walks in and sees Todd and Courtney sucking face, and she leaves in tears! It makes me feel awesome. But then she starts thinking “rationally” about how she’s happy Todd’s found someone else and keeps saying that she wants to set Todd up. First of all, shut up. Second, Todd doesn’t need Liz to set him up with Courtney when he and Courtney are already tongue banging. Liz needs to just get over herself. As if that wasn’t obvious enough.

Meanwhile, the whole school is abuzz about a science fair, and the students pair off into twosomes to create some wacky projects. (Lila Fowler and Amy Sutton create a fashion robot and actually win second place.) Devon and Liz stop using chem class to make each other crystals and rock candy (gag) long enough to work together to create some kind of harp that you hammer on, and Jess sabotages it so they don’t win. Jess and Bruce Patman even enter the project in order to impress and show up Devon (respectively), and they make a paper-mache volcano, which seems so elementary that I’m sort of embarrassed. It works fine for a bit before it aptly explodes everywhere.

Unfortunately, Todd quickly grows bored of Courtney because she soon starts boasting about her wealth and dressing like a hussy in halter dresses. He keeps dating her, though, because he wants everyone to think that they’re the perfect couple since Liz and Devon make out in public all the time. Then Liz calls him and organizes a meeting with him so she can tell him how much she approves of his new relationship. Someone smack this girl. But while she’s sitting there, Liz feels overwhelmed by all her deep-rooted feelings for Todd! PLEASE.

Then Jess, Courtney, and Devon all burst in, and the boys start hollering, and then Todd actually proposes marriage to Liz! Before she can respond, the boys start beating the crap out of each other and in their fervor, they even accidentally punch Liz in the face! I had to laugh. Liz tells both dudes that they’re fakes and phonies and you know the score, like she’s so upset by it. In truth, she’s like Quinn from Daria. And Courtney is sick of being Todd’s bitch, so she vows to get her own revenge “somehow. Sometime.” Sounds lazy.

Other Notes:

  • Jessica “even studied up on motorcycles on the Internet in order to impress [Devon] with her knowledge,” the obvious extent of which is that they can nearly kill your twin. Why is no one mentioning Liz’s coma? Would that just be too consistent?
  • Devon thinks of Liz: “It was like two electrons that completed their atoms’ outer shells and created a stable compound.” That is so idiotic. Then he admires her in science class: “Elizabeth was opening a bottle of acid under a fume hood. She looked lovely as usual.” I’m so sickened.
  • I really wish Enid Rollins and Maria Slater would stop rallying behind Liz’s infidelities and just tell him that she’s being obnoxious. I hope they talk about what a douche she is behind her back.
  • Devon is totally a flawless Larry Stu and thus completely irritating.
  • The tag for the next book asks, “Now that she’s seen Todd’s and Devon’s true colors, is Elizabeth through with love for good?” What the flip? What about everyone seeing Liz’s true colors? I can’t even handle this.

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