* Photo credit to The Closet *
Jess looks like a drunk Beverly Hills mom. Bwa @ Devon Whitelaw. Look how demurely he’s sitting. I can practically see a halo appearing over his head with a magical “ding.”
Devon has just enrolled at Sweet Valley High and finds it to be a miracle on earth, naturally. However, he fears that his guidance counselor is going to applaud him and single him out for being a science/math genius: “Here we go again… I’ve already been labeled, and they’ll be enrolling me in some gifted and talented program any minute now. So much for anonymity.” WAH! Such terrible problems some arrogant douches have! He gets assigned some regular gen eds—and in the same chemistry class as the girl of his dreams: Liz Wakefield. Oh, gag me.
Jess catches notice of Devon and vows to make him her newest conquest—I mean, boyfriend. She dons her most suggestive outfits, offers to take him on a tour of Sweet Valley, and invites him to all the “right” parties, but he shows zero interest in her. He even stands her up at a party in front of all her friends and they all laugh at her. Don’t get me wrong, Jess definitely needs to be taken down a peg or two. But she sounds so crazy, desperate, and uninteresting in this book. And to lose out to Elizabeth? That really twists the knife. I actually feel bad for her because of how Devon annoying finds her. But the reasoning behind his evasiveness goes over Jess’s head and she just assumes he’s a challenge. Sigh.
Meanwhile, Liz is just thinking of how happy she is with Todd and how lucky she is to have him—that’s how you know she’s right about to cheat on him. She tries to resist Devon, her new lab partner, but how can she? He replicates her eye color in a test tube! He slaves for hours, making tissue-paper flowers for her! He makes her notes written in homemade invisible ink, begging her to date him! He sets up a DIY-fireworks display for her, for Christ’s sake! (They watch it, humming the “1812 Overture” and it’s uber dorky.) Where is Mr. Russo, the chemistry teacher, when all this non-class work is happening? Even though Liz tells Devon that she has a boyfriend, that doesn’t stop him nor the way Liz feels about him. Of course.
To assuage her own guilt, Liz gets this “great” idea to send Jessica on her date with Devon, and Devon can’t tell the difference nor understand why his spark for “Liz” just isn’t there. They make out, and Devon suddenly realizes that it’s Jess who he’s with—Jess had let him go on believing she was Liz because she’s pissed at her sister for having some fling with Devon herself after she promised Jess to help her get the guy. Why does this sound so annoying and unnecessarily convoluted? Anyway, Jess thinks, “How could you do this to me, Liz? One perfect boyfriend isn’t enough, so you needed to take mine too?” Mmm-hmm. And Devon’s all pissed and says, “I could easily use you, Jessica, and then throw you away.” What an arrogant douche!
What’s really the icing on the cake is that all along, Todd’s been acting distant and weird to Liz because he’s trying to whip up a super special secret surprise for her. It’s the anniversary of her first article in The Oracle (talk about obscure—even Liz doesn’t remember it), and he’s recruited the help of half the town: Enid Rollins, Maria Slater, Bill Chase, and, of course, Jessica, who helped Todd pick out a diamond ring with pencils on it to give to Liz. (Just…lol.) But the night of his big surprise, Liz is too busy Frenching Devon in the rain at school, and Jess just happens to see them. Ugh, forget these losers, Todd. Devon is so much like Liz—and I’m not talking about the fact that they both like old movies—that they should just go off and inflict torture upon each other.
Other Notes:
- In case you were wondering what SVH looked like after all these years: “It was a beautiful brick building with marble columns at the main entrance. The campus was surrounded by trees, and the grounds were immaculate. Flowers lined the paved walkways, giving the landscape a bright and cheery look. It was homey—not industrial like a lot of high schools Devon had seen.” Homey obviously = superior.
- Finally, the twins’ “sudden” acceptance of motorcycles is explained: “For awhile Jessica had sworn she would never ride on a motorcycle herself, but she had since come to the conclusion that if handled properly, a motorcycle could be as safe as a car.”
- Todd and Liz’s takeout order sounds like that of people twice their age: “their tender chicken basted in red-wine sauce had come with escargots, garden salads, and crème brulee for dessert. Now they were seated at the Wakefields’ kitchen table, where Elizabeth was enjoying a cup of decaf latte while Todd drank hot chocolate with whipped cream.” WTF? What sixteen-year-old gets takeout like this?
- I’m further ready to hurl upon reading how Liz’s personal style gives Devon a boner. Listen to this schizz: “Even her style of clothing was perfect. She wore a simple short-sleeve light blue sweater with a V-neck and pearl buttons down the front. Together with her crisp linen pants and white leather sandals it was a perfect example.” He gets it up for her GRANDMA-ESQUE PEARL BUTTONS. I can’t handle this.
- In comparison, this is what Jess wears to school: “an extra short blue plaid miniskirt topped with a midriff-baring sleeveless white shirt.” Tell me that would squeak pass school dress codes today.
- Devon tells Liz that his parents died and he has no brothers and sisters, and she can’t help but be amazed: “You seem so well-adjusted!” Yeah, imagine that.
- Devon Whitelaw truly pisses me off. Are we supposed to relate to him since he’s “one of us” (a.k.a., not from Sweet Valley, the most fantastical place of earth)? I hope not: He comes across like a jaded, conceited dick AND he’s a Larry Stu character (brilliant at everything!) AND I’m further annoyed because the writers are forcing me to read his innermost thoughts!
- To no surprise, Liz spends half the book crying. Give me a break.
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