* Photo credit to The Closet *
This cover bores me. The dude looks like some guy Brenda and Kelly would fight over.
A Plot: First with the twins, always the twins. Jessica and Elizabeth are ready to commit suicide because they’ve just witnessed the most disgusting sight of their lives: their brother Steven Frenching Jess’s best friend Lila Fowler, with “Lila’s perfectly manicured fingernails resting against Steven’s gray vest.” Now I want to make out with a boy wearing a vest. Anyway, why are the twins despairing over this? Duh—because Lila and Steven aren’t anything alike and thus soooo wrong for each other! Lila likes caviar! Steven like potato chips! Fuck you, Paula Abdul! The twins plot to break up Lila and Steven because they can’t bear their perfect world rocked by the wrongness of their brother’s romantic decisions.
Jess says, “I feel like [Lila’s] trying to hurt me by going out with Steven.” Give me a break. Lila wants to know why Jess is being such a megabitch when she didn’t have a problem with Steven and Cara Walker going out, and Jess answers: “Cara was different. She and Steven had a lot in common. She didn’t live in a mansion. She lived in an apartment, and she…” and then Jess trails off because even she knows her reasons are for shit. Jess then tries to turn Lila off Steven by talking about her brother’s mismatched socks and burping contests, because Steven is a Wakefield, which means he’s too perfect to have any real faults. Then Jess tells Lila that she refuses to help her through her life problems until she gets over Steven. Nice.
B Plot: Steven’s boss at his law internship is up his butt about prosecuting Lila for torching her own house, but Steven is sure she’s innocent, even though all the evidence, such as gas cans and OJ Simpson gloves, points to her making Fowler Crest go up in flames. (“Lila is guilty of setting a fire all right—but not the kind you think,” Steven thinks as his loins burn with want.) Steven and Lila conjure up a list of her enemies/possible suspects, and at the top is John Pfeifer, a name we haven’t really heard for nearly fifty books. What’s he been up to? Well, since he tried to date rape Lila, he’s been a total outcast—even more so than Molly Hecht, who was THE outcast, but only for one book. Now John devotes most of his life to writing sports stories for The Oracle because he has nothing else going for him.
Steven has Liz take him to The Oracle office to riffle through John’s stuff, and when he asks Liz about John, and Liz is SO OBNOXIOUS. She says, “Remember, John isn’t officially guilty of anything,” even though she herself won’t be alone with him anywhere. Then she adds pointedly, obviously speaking about Lila, “Until you have all the facts, you should remain objective and keep an open mind.” Liz wants to remind Steven just how WRONG Lila is for him! I hate you so much, Liz.
Steven is sure that John had something to do with the fire but isn’t sure how to prove . He’s also under a lot of pressure at work so he tries to dump Lila over sautéed scallops at a fancy restaurant. Then Lila’s arrested for possibly trying to blow up the aforementioned restaurant with a homemade bomb. Oh, please, like Lila would ever condescend to engineer her own explosives.
C Plot: Random stud Devon Whitelaw drives from Ohio to Las Vegas in about a day on his motorcycle in search of his own legal guardian so her can inherit his dead parents’ $20 million. Las Vegas is the home of his super shady, high rollin’ uncle Pete, the black sheep of the fam. They get along famously and eat steak every night. Pete hooks him up with a fake ID, and thankfully Devon shows he’s not a total loser by actually using it and having fun.
Pete doesn’t seem to be out for Devon’s inheritance; he wants only for the love of his life, Linda, to take him back. Devon acts as a go-between the estranged couple, bringing Linda jewelry that costs $20 grand apiece, and even delivers love poems and flowers and other trite gifts of affection. But alas, alack, woe: It turns out Linda and Pete are only pretending to be an ex-couple and are truly just working together, robbing old ladies of their jewels and then—well, I don’t really know what they’re doing. Something shady with necklaces and bracelets, really. So Devon leaves Vegas, disgusted and jaded. I wonder where he’s off to next!
Other Notes:
- For once, something that happened in a super edition is mentioned! We find out what happened to Joan Borden: She married/dumped a Texas oil tycoon to marry a Spanish shipping tycoon. Now you know.
- The back cover wonders, “Is the love [Devon] so desperately needs waiting for him in California?” My guess is on yes, considering half the book wouldn’t be devoted to his plight otherwise. Besides, everyone finds what they’re looking for in CA, i.e., beautiful blond twins!
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