* Photo credit to The Closet *
It’s plain to me why Jess looks so disgusted – that’s the worst fucking kiss I’ve ever seen in my life. There’s actually much to hate about this cover, in fact. First, it’s a photo cover, which I automatically do not approve of. Second, do we really expect Lila Fowler to be wearing a house dress with apples on it? Third, that guy she’s making out with is Steven Wakefield, and my God, even when he’s human, he still looks like a frickin’ robot. Just look at that hand on Lila’s waist. Fourth, that’s supposed to be a the Wakefield kitchen. There’s not even a thing in it! Are we really supposed to believe that Alice Wakefield, interior decorator extraordinaire, would put up with the color scheme like that? Fifth, I don’t like Jess’s lipstick with her outfit. Okay, now I’m just nitpicking. OUTRAGE!
Lila just got dumped by her boyfriend-since-Camp-Echo-Mountain Bo Creighton the Third and feels all alone in the world, especially since Daddy and Mother Fowler are off on a remote, phoneless island in the South Pacific. In short, this is nothing new for Lila. Determined to move on with her new life, she burns all of Bo’s letters in the fireplace and takes a nap, and when she wakes up, the room is engulfed in flames. She passes out trying to escape (a fine time for unconsciousness!), and when she wakes up in the hospital from severe smoke inhalation, the Wakefield hell spawn are all there to comfort her and tell her that the entire west wing of the house burned down, and that includes her bedroom. You can never go home anymore.
Lila thinks she sent her house aflame at first, but remembered that the fire was coming into the room from the hallway. And even though she’s being framed for arson, she’s resting fairly easy, knowing that junior bloodhound/lawyer intern Steven Wakefield is on her case! He’s in Sweet Valley for the whoooole semester now doing an internship, and has just broken up with his girlfriend Billie Winkler over the job. It’s a really dumb fight, and Liz wants to make it better between the two of them, and plans this even while making out with long-term lovah Todd Wilkins. I’m happy to admit that I don’t think about my brother or his relationships during my make-out sessions.
Anyway, the lawyer Steven’s working for thinks Lila is the arsonist and wants Steven to spend a bunch of time with her to find out the scoop. Steven finds all this obviously planted evidence against Lila, but believes she’s innocent anyway. Meanwhile, Lila wonders”why she had never noticed how handsome Steven was before” and treats him to fancy French meals involving oysters. Steven insists that Lila come clean about the fire and somehow they end up Frenching, and the twins see it and nearly barf. And with good reason, if the smooch looked anything like the cover.
There’s also this dude in a bomber jacket with a motorcycle—seventeen-year-old Devon Whitelaw—who’s coming from Connecticut (why does everyone always come from Connecticut?) across the country to find his own legal guardian so he can inherit his recently dead parents’ 20 million dollars. Wow, I knew that sentence/plot was stupid even as I typed it. He goes to stay with some family in Ohio, and they accept him warmly at first until he hears them planning on how to spend his entire inheritance. Devon leaves on his bike after making them all shit their pants by saying that he’s actually bankrupt. What I want to know is why should I care about this dude? Who the hell is he? Is he coming from the East Coast to murder the twins? That sort of thing has been known to happen, you know.
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